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MIL going above DP's head

(42 Posts)
Ilovenannyplum Sat 14-May-16 18:54:16

DP says no to teenage (15) DSD's current demand which are getting bigger every week
She won't come round because she can't leave her friend, her friends parents are not around today so she can't get in her house, so the friend must also come to DSS's birthday dinner tonight.

DP says no, come and spend time with your family, your friend can't come on this occasion, lots of whinging from DSD and now MIL is off to pick both of them up and bring them here.

She was supposed to come round last night and didn't because she went out with friends, she asked for money £25 and we said no (because she's had about £100 from us the past few weeks and her brothers have had nothing) of course, MIL gave her the money hmm

Just annoys me that we say no and MIL doesn't listen and gives into DSD. I know she's a teenager and will start to have her own life but we can't always give into her and I would like to think, DP being her father should get the final say and that's it.
And also, we've got enough going on here without having another kid thrown into the mix that I don't want to be responsible for!

Anyway, vent over confused

Ilovenannyplum Sat 14-May-16 18:57:26

That was very rambly, therapeutic though, writing it all down!

AcrossthePond55 Sat 14-May-16 19:02:10

Has your DH spoken (sternly) to his mother about this? I'm a mum not a stepmum, but if I were you I'd step back and let him handle it.

If he refuses to get cross with his mother, then (as MN says) you have a DH problem not a MiL problem.

Ilovenannyplum Sat 14-May-16 19:11:16

It is a DH problem, MIL is lovely. I didn't mean that to sound like a MIL bashing post.

It drives me insane that we're essentially held to ransom by a 15yr old, she knows how to play them off and they both fall for it every time.
DP is stubborn, and MIL is a push over. She knows that they want to see her, and she knows that she'll be able to demand pretty much anything under the sun in order for them to get her here and she'll get her own way.

I'm a step daughter and a mum and a step mum so I can see everyone's kind of view but it really annoys me still probably unreasonably so

AcrossthePond55 Sat 14-May-16 21:57:02

I don't think it's unreasonable. Anytime someone undermines a parent it sets the child up for problems later in life. Children (even teens who 'know it all') need to learn that they can't always have it their own way. One of the most important life lessons we learn, imho!

I've never been in your situation, my MiL was always pretty reasonable, but one of our friends has. His MiL brings tonnes of sweets and crisps to their house and gives them to their children (who unfortunately are overweight). They have asked and asked her not to do this but she continues, just changes the 'form'. Instead of chocs/crisps, she'll show up with a big bag of MaccyD or other crap food. It's as if she just cannot show up empty handed. Anyway, they now meet her in the driveway and if she's brought anything they take it off her, return a small amount for the kids, and the rest goes directly into the bin. She has a fit over the 'wasted money' but they just reply 'then don't spend it!'.

If your MiL undermines, all you can do is countermand. If she gives money, DH should take if off DSD and return it. If she brings over a friend, he should take her home.

Where is DSD's mum in all this?

swingofthings Sun 15-May-16 06:47:40

It sounds that she doesn't do it out of disrepect for her son, but because she strongly believes he is in the wrong and frankly, I agree with her. At 15, they are at an age when they should have a say at how they want to celebrate their birthday, and if that means inviting their best friend to their birthday meal, then that is more than reasonable. Why is your OH took a strong-minded position and insisted that he didn't want to grant her wish?

I do agree that MIL is going totally wrongly about it and she should be trying to speak with her son about it rather than go against his authority.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 06:51:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exLtEveDallas Sun 15-May-16 06:53:32

Hold on. It was DSS birthday, not DSD

ladygracie Sun 15-May-16 06:54:51

I'm guessing the friend couldn't come because it was her brother's birthday, not hers. Unless I've misread the thread.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 06:57:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 06:58:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton Sun 15-May-16 07:00:46

Can you ALL sit down together and discuss the situation - including confronting both mil and dsd about their actions and the potential impact they have? Teens can be honest about their manipulation when faced with it in a firm but not a angry way - be a bit 'understanding' about how normal it is to try different ways to get what you want but also how unfair it is to granny and you?

BertrandRussell Sun 15-May-16 07:01:35

"Ok. DSS birthday. She's 15. My resident teen wouldn't want to do a birthday tea family dinner. Not a chance."

Why on earth not?

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:05:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovenannyplum Sun 15-May-16 07:17:15

It was DSS's birthday, not DSD's, he wasn't even bringing a friend to his own meal so I personally don't think it was fair that she should bring one.
She hadn't made it plans, she had been with a different friend during the day and then mid afternoon, decided she absolutely couldn't leave this one and it snowballed from there.

We are ordinarily very laid back with her, she's allowed to go out on "our weekends", we've had friends back here before, she's been given £££ from both us and on MIL but when week after week after week, we have barely seen her because she's out, DP tried to put his foot down and say actually no, on this occasion, just you and not your friend please, we're going out for your brothers birthday (after her being out Friday night and all day yesterday)
I get teens grow up and want to have their own lives, but every now and again, there will be things that are non negotiable for us and this was one of them. Because we only see them EOW, birthdays we celebrate together as a family.

And as it turns out, the friend didn't even come, so all that fuss for nothing. Her parents made a miraculous return home and she didn't need to be stuck to DSD's side.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:19:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:21:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovenannyplum Sun 15-May-16 07:26:03

Well how else can I word it?

She is allowed to go out at weekends?
They don't just turn a certain age and turn bam, automatic freedom, she's only 15, she still needs parenting to a certain extent.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:30:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre Sun 15-May-16 07:33:48

So what was the friend meant to do?
Her parents were out and she couldn't get in the house
I don't see the problem with the friend coming in those circumstances

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sun 15-May-16 07:36:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CodyKing Sun 15-May-16 07:38:54

So what was the friend meant to do?
Her parents were out and she couldn't get in the houseI don't see the problem with the friend coming in those circumstances

Because it was probably a lie - and this friend probably has other friends and because - as OP said this girls parents returned home.

CodyKing Sun 15-May-16 07:40:04

I think she needs pocket money from you and possible GP - you and DP need to discuss this - because teens with that kind of money get into trouble. They start expecting it all the time.

exLtEveDallas Sun 15-May-16 07:43:01

So you'd have the extra cash to pay for an extra unrelated teenager would you insancerre? And room in the car? I'm happy for you.

Glad it worked out OP. We had this to a point with DSD, although the difference was her friend was a constant, BFF, don't do anything without each other, friendship. She's even in 'family' photographs. Luckily in our case Friends parents always offered to pay her way.

I agree it does seem a shame when you only see a child every other weekend for them to have something 'better' to do. DH used to get very disheartened if DSD wanted to go out during his only time with her. It damaged their relationship a bit, but I suppose that happens even if a child is 'full time'

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 15-May-16 07:43:37

Myinlaws it sounds like you're projecting. Just because your teens don't like going out for meals with you doesn't make that the norm.

I agree her friend shouldn't have came and Mil definitely shouldn't of gone to pick both of them up irrespective of the other one now not coming. Your dsd sounds manipulative but then that's teenagers learning what they can and can't get away with. I was a horrible teen deeply attached to my friends to the point I'd refuse to go home and we'd end up sleeping in bus stops. Teenagers are weird. I really hope I get ones that like staying at home hollow laugh

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