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Is this too fast? ExH telling DC they're moving in with new girlfriend & children a month

(7 Posts)
Andrewsgirl Tue 03-May-16 11:38:38

Hi

So my Ex husband and I separated just over a year ago, decree absolute came through last week and by Saturday he's told our children (aged 4 and 7) that they're all going to be moving in with his new girlfriend and her children at the end of next month.

My main concerns are

- I'm not sure how long this relationship has been going on, seems very early days, I knew of her existence in December.
- my two children only met her and her two children (same age) a month ago, they don't know her or her children, they've only met 4 or 5 times.
- they're moving to a new house for the next year which only has three bedrooms, one of which is a box room. So I'm concerned how their living arrangements will work. Either my two will share (I guess the box room as they stay once a week and every other weekend) her children will live there more often so I'm guessing they will share the larger bedroom.
- I'm concerned my children will feel like outsiders
- my son is on the autistic spectrum and is facing issues at school due to dyslexia, his therapist has said that he finds change very hard and where possible it should be done slowly. I'm worried how my son will cope.
- I have never even met my ExH new girlfriend

All of this seems completely crazy, I have no issue with my ex H introducing her to the children and them all spending time together and they're all going on holiday together in July, which I felt was too soon, but agreed to it as felt really it wasn't any of my business who my ExH takes the children on holiday with.

This feels too much though, and for the sake of the children they should be given a chance to get to know this woman and her children over the next 6-12 months.

What I don't know is whether I'm overreacting? Is it no longer my business what my ExH does when he has the children and what his living accommodation is like? I have raised my concerns and his response was that's 2 months away so there is time for them both to get used to it. That he's spoken to them and they are very happy about it. He's said that they will always be his priority and he will do everything he can to provide them with a happy home and upbringing.

Where do I go from here? Is there anything I could or should do or should I just mind my own business?

Any thoughts and advise would be really appreciated.

Many thanks

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher Tue 03-May-16 11:48:32

I think you are absolutely right to have concerns. I would too. It seems very rushed and really not in the best interests of any of the children involved.

As to what you can do, practically? Basically nothing I'm afraid. You've raised it with him and he feels that 2 months is long enough to get used to the idea. He has a right to parent as he sees fit and while less than ideal to my mind (and yours) nothing you have described here suggests he is abusive or neglectful so there are no grounds for stopping or reducing contact.

He has told you about it in advance so that's positive I guess. You have time to help prepare your children so the transition is as painless as possible.

Alanna1 Tue 03-May-16 11:52:31

Could you get a child psychologist involved and use an independent person to help manage this change? Makes it more neutral than you and your ex disagreeing. Your DC may also like choosing things for their new room?

Andrewsgirl Tue 03-May-16 11:57:42

Thanks both. I came to the same conclusion that there is probably very little I can do as how he parents is entirely his call. I have made an appointment to see my son's therapist and will ask her to help try us and my son cope with this change. Thanks again

MeridianB Tue 03-May-16 14:45:43

I totally understand why you feel upset and worried. I would, too.

Do you know what has prompted the 'it must all happen now' approach? Has one of them got to vacate a rented place soon?

How much contact do your DCs have with their Dad? Is he a good Dad in other ways? Does he show proper care and attention to your son's ASD? Has he ensured any/enough time alone with him since the GF was on the scene?

He says the children have told him they are happy about the move but what have they said to you?

Sorry - lots of questions!

I think at the very least, it would be courteous of him to offer a meeting with you and his GF.

KelleBelle Tue 03-May-16 15:58:46

My DD has ASD and change as big as that can take me months of preparation. It's a massive ask of your DC.

If his decision is made then all I can suggest is you all get your heads together and work your butts off to prepare your DSC.

X

KelleBelle Tue 03-May-16 15:59:09

Your DS that was meant to say**

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