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Would you separate if your DC didn't get along with D.SC.?

(5 Posts)
YellowBricks Fri 29-Apr-16 17:09:47

We're not married so technically not step DC but will use the term for ease.

My middle DC really doesn't get along with BF's DC to the point where she refuses to come anywhere with us and begs to visit her dad or grandparents to avoid spending time with him. BF and DSC often stay over one night and day of our EO contact weekends but I've now suggested we stop doing that. They fight argue and bicker constantly when we're all together although occasionally they will get along, more so when we're out doing something. They are both 7.

My relationship with BF is really good, I'm mostly happy but this issue really bothers me. We can't visit him at his house for reasons I won't bore you with.

Has anyone experienced this or has any advice for me please?

loveyoumummy Fri 29-Apr-16 17:33:26

I am in the same boat. I've got a post somewhere down the page. No advice, but just wanted to say I know how difficult it is.

Bluelilies Fri 29-Apr-16 20:17:25

Our 7 year olds fought and bickered quite badly at first. It was worse when we were in DH's house because DSS was territorial and DD didn't really have anywhere to go that was hers. Plus she was generally hard work at that age. Spending time together out and about helped. And also trying to split the two of them up - We have older DC too, so encouraging the girls to play in one place and the boys somewhere else helped. Neither of them were ever allowed to dictate that we didn't do things together though, or to opt out regularly.

It got a bit better with time, but actually hasn't been a problem at all since we moved in together (by which time they were 9) as DD now has her own space and so didn't wind DSS up so much. DSS was also taught firmly (by DH, not me, when possible) that it was not OK to hit or kick DD (or anyone) to solve an argument. We still have "house rules" pinned up on the fridge that we wrote when we moved in making this clear to all. They're 13 now the two of them and get on great smile

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 29-Apr-16 22:10:16

I did have a situation where an older DSD and my DS didn't get along, and we were both their main resident parents. With DSD she was always there every night too. It wasn't great but there were periods when it was more bearable. It wasn't constant bickering, my DSD just used to be very condescending to him, because he was younger.

Relationships can change and get better - someone saying they don't want to spend any time is quite strong. Can you help them be able to have their own 'space' or 'dens' - and encourage them to see that even if you don't like someone, you can learn to live side by side if you are civil, not rude, respectful.

It's one of the reasons I had arguments with my DP, as I wanted a bit more time with just my DS. DP just couldn't see that it was a problem. I also used to intervene if DSD ignored me and DS, and the last time I did she moved out! Which unfortunately got totally blamed on me, but if it meant I stood up for basic civility for my son then so be it!

KelleBelle Mon 02-May-16 22:36:13

What a rubbish situation. I don't really have any words of advice that aren't common sense tbh.

Maybe find some activities that encourage the kids to work as a team? Go.on a treasure hunt over the park.... we used to make lists depending on the seasons. So they have to tick off the list a daffodill, a duck, a squirrel, a green leaf, an orange leaf etc. Obviously you can make it harder or easier. Kids vs adults and the winners get a big hot chocolate when they get home?

I think at 7, it's easy to win them around to each other if you can find positive ways of bringing them together?

If it's any consolation I have similar issues with my youngest who is 9. She has autism and her sister and step brother and sister are a bit older.... 12, 13 and 14.

She went a long time being ignored.... not just left out.... blatantly ignored. Nobody would sit next to her on the sofa or in the car because she doesn't like to be touched so if someone brushed against her she would link her hand to wipe off the feel of their touch. Step brother and sister thought it was "gross" and it made them uncomfortable so wouldn't go near her. She trumps like an old man with no warning and despite me explaining that it's not nice to do it (not with as much pride as she takes in it anyway) it was something else to put them off her. (Even though they do the same.... in fact I have seen DSS run over to his sister to do it in her face!!!)

I spoke to them about it and explained that she does notice it, and she'd very much like to interact with them a bit more, I saw more effort from them. They're still not entirely comfortable with her but I think that's lack of understanding of autism as opposed to disliking her.

On a positive note, there is always a way to work things out.

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