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Cant understand it..

(14 Posts)
1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 17:13:04

DP and his ex have a strained relationship at the best of times and a positively toxic relationship most of the time.
I have never met her but have been around for a while and have seen some of the horrific things she has done to prevent DP and his DD developing a relationship. ie, forcibly taking her DD from DP during his contact time, physically assaulting him and being verbally abusive towards him in front of their DD all because DD had been with me for a short period of time while DP had a prior commitment and then stopped contact.
I always make sure that her DD makes her mother's day cards etc and have received thank you texts from the her. In texts to myself and DP, she has repeatedly said that she does not have a problem with me but with DP (although can not say what that problem is?) Despite this, SD will often say to us that Mummy doesn't like me, that she tells nanny that I'm rude, that she doesn't like my family or want her to be around my family.. SD has never shown that she agrees with these statements, she often asks if she can go and see my mum and out of the blue will say to me that she loves me. SDs mum will also text/call DP saying that she has an issue with SD staying at my house occasionally.
I cant understand why a mother would want to make her DD feel uncomfortable around people that she wants to spend time with and says that she loves? I can understand to an extent why she may have an issue with DP but that happened in the past and at some point when you have a child you need to let those things go and do what is best for your DD right? I have always respected boundaries, I have never tried to be the 'mum' role, offered to meet her away from DP if that would make her feel more comfortable with me spending time with her DD and I speak positively to SD about her mum.
I suppose I would like some advice from SMs and DMs on what I can do to make DP's ex feel more comfortable with me being in her DDs life.

As a side note, SDs mum has a partner she has been with for around a year and his family is involved in SDs life. DP and ex have not been in a relationship for years, only briefly when SD was born.

This is my first personal post and I am nervous.

KittensandKnitting Thu 28-Apr-16 21:34:29

Don't be nervous OP

People here will mostly offer good advise and a listening ear.

How much contact does your DP have with his daughter? And how old is his daughter - I think this will help add some context to the situation.

1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 21:46:40

She's 4. They have a shared care arrangement so he has her about 40% of the time inc holidays. This is a fairly new arrangement. Before this, contact was just EOW but was often breached. It has been a long battle for DP to get to where he is and contact was often stopped for no apparent reason and for long periods of time.

I've been in her life since she was 2 and I have known him around 10years.

I will spend the majority of contact time with DP and his DD. When I'm not there his DD will often ask where I am and when I'm coming back.

Fourormore Thu 28-Apr-16 21:50:14

Honestly? You can't make her more comfortable. From what you've said, it sounds like you're making a fantastic effort. Focus on that. Focus on giving your DSD a positive experience when she's with you (and making sure that your DP is pulling his weight too).

1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 21:59:35

Sometimes I think I should take more of a step back?
DP is an awesome dad, he adores his DD and she adores him. Hes never been given the chance to be a 'proper' dad so sometimes falls into the trap of being a 'disney' dad.. But that's his biggest fault when it comes to SD - not saying he's perfect, believe me there last room for improvement as a partner!

At the end of the day I want what's best for SD and there is a lot of conflict between her parents. I'm not sure if my involvement seems to fuel this? SDs mum is constantly bringing arguments back to me and her new partner.. DP has never had an issue with her new partner as his DD seems happy and comfortable with him and he shows an interest in her which is all DP could ask for. But his ex has it in her head that he does.

Think I've gone off topic from what I originally was originally asking...

1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 22:00:10

Thank you Fourormore x

KittensandKnitting Thu 28-Apr-16 22:04:56

Just be warned you are now going to be asked if you were the OW... So brace yourself for that question as many people can't grasp the fact you can know a man as a friend before you have a relationship.

Moving swiftly on.

It's a sad fact that some RP will always be quite anti their ex-partners moving on, I myself have gone through hell with a very toxic ex. It sadly is the children who suffer, as sometimes the RP will drag them into their "hatred" towards the NRP. I say this as being in a relationship with a man who is the RP.

Sadly as much as you want to make things better between you and her, you will not succeed. I would not put yourself in the situation where you have any dealings with this little girls mum.

I think all you can do is take deep deep breaths and continue to be who you are, and show kindness to this little girl, and take more deep breaths! You will make it through any issues if you have the support of your DP, and I personally think you sound like a lovely lady who is doing the right things!

KittensandKnitting Thu 28-Apr-16 22:08:31

X-post there smile

And your allowed to go off topic smile you post, people respond you go through a process of understanding what you need help on smile

I personally would step out of any conversations with the little girls mum, and as four says concentrate on your relationship with DSD and take it from there

1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 22:26:04

Thank you for your kind words smile

Haha no not the OW. Just to clarify, we lived round the corner from each other while at school but were never close. More knew of each other and sometimes socialised in the same groups. It wasn't until I came back from university and he already had a child that we met again in a romantic way. We are both in our mid 20s and I think dealing with all of this at our age seems harder. Neither of us have friends in the same situation so have no body who can relate and talk to.

Sometimes I can understand where she's coming from as a woman and I do explain that to DP but he says that he just goes off how his DD is and if she's comfortable then he doesn't care what his ex says. I just struggle to understand her motives/reasoning sometimes. i would have thought you'd be happy that your DD is happy, looked after and loved when she is not with you. That's all you can ask for!

KittensandKnitting Thu 28-Apr-16 22:52:16

I just wanted to warn you about that question smile my first ever post where I asked for advise I was told I must be the OW, was a horrible situation, had to name change and actually had me in tears as I was just trying to do my best in what was an awful RL situation. So I wanted to help in someway as the sooner that's put to bed the better.

I'm 38 and actually I'm in a similar boat to you, very few people to talk to in RL.

in your situation I would follow your DP's lead, he is actually correct IMO. You would like to think in your case that DSD mum would be happy that you are a stable constant in DSD life and that is indeed a very good thing, unfortunately you will never understand the why behind her issue with you all you can do is be there for your DSD in the capacity she wants you to be.

You need to protect yourself too, so pass the batton of communication to your DP.

1ofthosedays Thu 28-Apr-16 23:53:02

Tbh, communication between the two of us is limited to just the 2 text exchanges, once to tell me that she did not have a problem with me but that it was all to do with DP and the other to say thank you. That is why DSDs comment that mummy said to nanny that you're rude was so bizarre?! I have not spoken more then 5 words to her and all was as pleasant as they could be. But yes I agree, all communication is now firmly between the two of them.

Omg that sounds horrific and I would have felt exactly the same! That was something I worried about and why I was hesitant to post in the first place!

Sometimes it feels like being an SM is harder then being a DM. Knowing boundaries and when to take step back and take a deep breath is hard. You're right, I do need to protect myself and at the end of the day keep doing what I'm doing and focus on DSDs happiness in this situation and our relationship.

KittensandKnitting Fri 29-Apr-16 00:27:17

It was pretty awful, but we live and learn smile

I think those texts may well have been far from what you believe them to be. I may be wrong but I'd not be surprised if they were "sussing" you out texts. The first about DP she wanted you to bitch. The second she was trying to be "nice" I may have a clouded judgment but they sound off to me - my opinion, I may be wrong.

What I do think from what you have said you will not win with this woman.

Being a SM is bloody hard, being a parent is hard! But being a SM is harder because your always being judged by "others" biggest tip to you is be you, let your DP lead you in how to be with your DSD and ultimately let your DSD lead you too

But above all, remember your a person too.

swingofthings Fri 29-Apr-16 07:35:26

It sounds like things happened between them that has been interpreted very differently between the two of them and somehow, she has been left feeling hurt and betrayed. If that is the case, you can't take away from her and it might take more than two years for her to really move on.

From what you wrote in your first post, it sounds like whatever your SD mum allegedly tells her is having no negative impact on your relationship with her or your family's, I would therefore ignore it all. The more you get involved, letting her think that you believe she is acting wrongly, the more she will react defensively.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 29-Apr-16 12:10:42

It's a complete trap trying to make everyone happy. And despite the bad press SMs get, I think a lot of SMs are trying to make everyone happy. It is a trap because you can end up getting hurt, then resentful, then a bit bitter.

I know because I've done it! For the first two years, DPs Ex also said how nice I was, would text me sometimes, I even looked after her nephews and did her favors, under the mistaken impression that this would be helpful for overall family harmony.

But the clue is in your own text, if your DP and her had a toxic relationship, or there is drama, then there will probably be drama coming your way at some point. And to prepare for that, just focus on those good boundaries that you do have and keep firmly behind your own line.

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