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dd struggling with her brother and sister not living here 24/7

(15 Posts)
wheresthel1ght Tue 26-Apr-16 20:48:36

Looking for some tips on how to help my dd cope with the fact my dscs (her brother and sister) are not here all the time.

Dd is 2.5 She absolutely worships her big brother and sister. The feeling is quite mutual. Up until recently she hasn't really clicked with the fact they are not always here but for about the last 4-6 weeks it seems to have really hit her hard. She is hysterical after they go back to their mum's house and asks for them constantly. We have tried telling her it's not our turn for them to be here but she just becomes inconsolable.

She won't do anything or go anywhere unless they are coming too which I think is lovely but I am getting fed up of the tantrums!

How do I help her adjust and cope?

We would love to have them more but exw won't allow it. We struggle to get the agreed contact at times so more contact simply isn't an option.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 26-Apr-16 22:25:29

Do you have regular contact times? It is hard for a small one to get times in their head. Does she understand days at all? Measured in sleeps?- i.e. After the last day of school, one more sleep and then after breakfast...

It's lovely that they have bonded so well. I expect that she will get used to it in time. Acknowledging her frustration I suppose - but not giving her the feeling that it's not the normal thing. I know my son was much more upset about not seeing people when he got the impression that we should be seeing more of them.

Sunshine87 Wed 27-Apr-16 08:24:17

She will adapt, don't make a big issue of it. I have a 2year old and she just asked where her DB and is pretty accepting of it. Unfortunately it is the situation with split families

GeorgeTheThird Wed 27-Apr-16 08:35:59

You can't change the situation so you need to be clear with her. Get a calendar on the wall and explain how many sleeps etc. she'll get the idea.

EatShitDerek Wed 27-Apr-16 08:42:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barcelosthehappychicken Wed 27-Apr-16 09:16:22

I think the calendar sounds great. Perhaps they can give her a special teddy or something from them to cuddle when she misses them?

MeridianB Wed 27-Apr-16 09:25:57

Could she draw a picture for them when she misses them? Then she's distracted but making something that feels like a link to them.

wheresthel1ght Wed 27-Apr-16 18:09:33

She doesn't really get sleeps til things unfortunately but I do like the teddy and picture ideas. Thank you!

Contact is as regular as exw allows. It's set as every Wednesday and eow but she can be funny if something she wants to go to is on our weekends, Then staying with her is presented as a fait accompli. It has happened a couple of times lately because comicon was on our weekend, she never even asked if we minded or if we could swap weekends, just stopped contact and then arranged things on Wednesdays and refused to belt us collect them from school. She didn't see them for 4 weeks. Then all went back to normal but after 3 weekends with us my dd has started to get upset that they aren't here.

I do wonder if part of it is loneliness or just terrible twos and a convenient think to tantrum over

PrettyBrightFireflies Wed 27-Apr-16 18:46:38

If she's playing silly buggers with contact, then mediation and court ordered contact may be the only way to protect your DC from being an innocent victim in the games being played between your DP and his ex (I'm not saying it's his fault, but that's what is going on).

Has your DP got the appetite for that?

wheresthel1ght Wed 27-Apr-16 19:21:46

Court has been threatened! And if it goes to that he will go for 50/50 as a minimum which will cause even more issues!

There have been so many issues with her it is untrue! But yeah he has the appetite just not the funds to fight it in court. He is still paying off the divorce because she dragged everything out.

He told her after this last one with comicon and a different incident that she cannot demand he is flexible but then refuse to be flexible in return. That she cannot demand changes without consultation with him and she cannot make plans on the basis that I will just tie the line and change my plans/take time off work to cover her selfishness. He told her outright that one more episode and he will see her in court before he lets her hurt the kids anymore.

They were together for over 20 years (high school sweethearts) and he is finding it really hard to accept the person she has become. He wants her to wake up to her crap and change for the sake of their kids so has given her chance after chance. But she has blown any hope of more rope to hang herself with!

Bluelilies Thu 28-Apr-16 19:48:21

Slightly different situation, but when my DC were that sort of age and I was trying to help them understand when they'd be going to their dad's next I made a circular weekly calendar thing with the days of the week round the edge and a pointer in the middle, so they could understand how we moved on one day every morning. We drew on pictures of things that were on regular days (nursery, etc) and we had a little picture of their dad which could be moved around with blu tac. It was a simpler kind of calendar to understand for a small child.

The other thing I'd suggest is trying to fix up a play date or two for after the DSC go back, or join up with another family for a trip somewhere, as she'll probably miss them less when there's other kids around.

wheresthel1ght Thu 28-Apr-16 20:18:58

Bluelilies that is** an amazing idea!! I will be heading to hobby craft tomorrow for split pins and card. Thank you!!!!

noeuf Thu 28-Apr-16 20:23:13

Make a photo album for her to keep in her room -they could also do a build a bear? With them talking?

wheresthel1ght Thu 28-Apr-16 22:34:04

They have done her a build a bear but when they were playing with the voices she was terrified! And not sure I could cope with hearing them randomly when she cuddles it, her existing toys frighten me half to death when she sets them off when I go in to check on her!! Fricking hate talking makka pakka

She has been a lot better this week. Settles into bed last night without a fight and was fine when they said goodbye to her this morning even though Dss screamed like a twat when she barges in on him in the shower to say bye and we haven't had tears tonight when they weren't here. Am hopeful that she will get used to it but will definitely be using the week wheel and have pics of them to love round!

noeuf Thu 28-Apr-16 23:24:32

Ok ditch the bear idea!

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