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Small rant

(32 Posts)
Findingpeace Mon 11-Apr-16 20:03:02

I'm finding this step-parenting business really hard right now. And my DSD is 18 years old! I love her but she is so difficult at the moment. She's making such bad decisions and is so lazy. It feels like a war in my house at the moment.

I've been living with DH and his 2 DDs for 6 years now and it just doesn't get easier. Well, maybe there's been short periods of it being good.

I feel tired now. DSDs are 21 and 18 now and I feel the stress should greatly lessen, but it hasn't. It makes me resentful of my DH...for bringing this stress into my life. I tried to talk to him yesterday about how I've been feeling and now I've hurt and angered him. Mainly around me telling him I dream about moving back to my old house (which I'm renting out) where there is no stress and walking on egg shells and leave him and them to it. Sometimes I feel like my life has become all about supporting him and them while my needs go un-noticed.

Sorry for the woe is me...I don't always feel like this, just struggling right now.

M00nUnit Mon 11-Apr-16 20:27:10

It sounds like you really, really need a break! No need to apologise... it does sound really hard and I'm sorry your DH isn't making more effort to empathise with you or understand. I wish I had some advice for you. I just hope things get better!

Findingpeace Mon 11-Apr-16 20:41:12

Thanks MOO. My DH has the habit of getting angry and then thinking about it for a few days. I hope he heard what I said and can be a bit more understanding but I'm not holding my breath! I love him dearly but he can really simplify things and sees it as I'm only the SM, being the DF and making all the decisions about his DDs is harder.

Wdigin2this Mon 11-Apr-16 20:42:04

Finding there's no need to apologise, most poster on here will be empathising with you!

There are a lot of years of experience on this site, and a lot of people who will have gone through what you are right now...and a lot of good advice if you want it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:53:12

In my experience, my DSCs got far more stress as they hit late teens/early adult. And then it tailed off (and moved out) - there's a tense period in between where they are demanding to be treated like an adult in the house however rarely, I found, with the responsibility that went with it!

My very eldest DSD, now 25, was very volatile and went flying off the handle even if her Dad tried to give her gentle advice! I think it's too much for some parents, they just back off at this stage. And if SMs have a hard time having any say in step kids, it's pretty impossible when they are older. So a house full of big children basically, still leaving their rooms in a tip, unable to understand what managing a house really entails - as would be the case with a lodger or house share - and it's no wonder you are stressed! Sympathies! cake

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:55:26

P.s. I know it is hard for the actual parents. However being an SM is a lot harder. Because you have zero control and therefore have to live in the atmosphere someone else has created. Although, like my DP, I don't think he'd see that unless those kids were yours and he were the SP!

Findingpeace Mon 11-Apr-16 21:38:07

Thank-you bananas. Yes that's exactly how I feel. She wants to be treated like an adult but is so irresponsible! A big child 😄 Exactly, she's bigger then me. She just wants to party with her friends and is horrible to us when we ask her to do the smallest thing.

I tried to explain that to my DH, that at least he has some control, even if it's just a bit, while I just have to ride it through and keep my mouth shut about what I don't agree with (which is so hard!), like DH giving her money when she's blown through £200 in a weekend.

Well I suppose it's a phase and this too will pass. It's just so hard while we're waiting! I dream about the days I lived on my own. I wish I'd never moved in and instead stayed in a relationship in different households! Then I could leave them to it when it becomes too much.

theblackhen Mon 11-Apr-16 21:56:24

I absolutely understand that feeling of wanting to go "home".

My dp just cannot let go of the need to not upset his kids or parent them in the slightest way.

I've just been expected to live with this situation with absolutely no compromises.

He's great in every other way. sad

It's horrible when you have to spell it out just how difficult it is. I too have told him several times that I miss my old life.

It must be horrible to be frightened of losing your kids AND your partner.

JapanNextYear Mon 11-Apr-16 22:23:43

I really do understand what you are saying., but careful what you wish for. Had over a year of grown up DSC living with us, but not working or contributing in any way, and not exactly rushing to help out. He reverted to being 14 while expecting to be treated as an adult. I looked up places to rent on my own, ranted at DH, distanced myself from any if the tidying up after him, shopping for him etc.

And...he's now gone to live with another relative for a while, I'm not sure how long, possibly till his big plan comes together at the end of the year. Basically his dad moved him out, on quite a nice pretext, as I said I couldn't cope.

But I'm now feeling guilty, his dad really misses him, and I do a bit as well, though am enjoying the peAce and quiet. His family are sort of understanding, but not really. And I probably should have stuck it out, but taken myself off for a quiet break instead.

Wdigin2this Mon 11-Apr-16 22:33:25

It's always a problem, when couples have completely differing parenting styles, I still go through it with both our DGC.

My DH, has so far learned very little from how his idea of 'parenting' has affected his DC's lives....and consequently his own! He still Disney's the DGC, cannot say no to anything, and always tries to defer to me when they want to do something he knows they shouldn't. I'm working hard on him over this, he's gettin there very slowly, but still not entirely happy about it, even though I've told him quite forcibly, 'This is not about you, it's about DGC's lives!'

HormonalHeap Mon 11-Apr-16 22:46:56

Japan your dh is obviously supportive of you and priotitosed your relationship by putting you first, which is more than mine did! I didn't actually realise how hard it is to live with an adult child who isn't yours and you don't have that bond with.

Findingpeace Mon 11-Apr-16 23:28:19

Another argument with her tonight and she has a horrible attitude. My poor DH doesn't want to argue with her anymore and I understand that but he also knows he can't let her get away with it. It's an endless battle ground. She wants to be an adult and do what ever she wants but she's still living in our house.

Wdigin2this Mon 11-Apr-16 23:39:24

That must be such a trial Finding

JapanNextYear Tue 12-Apr-16 07:22:43

hormonal That's the problem though isn't it though, it does look like he's prioritised me over son, and in the long run, that doesn't work. I'm loving having a bit of space from the situation. But I think I should have just let him happily carry on with tidying up, cooking for and giving money to his son. That's his choice. I could have just done my own thing knowing son is going to leave home and is a decent human being. Mom sure OPs daughter is a decent human being too! Just still growing up.

Findingpeace Tue 12-Apr-16 18:31:48

Japan, yes she is a decent human being and I do love her, she's just such a trial right now and so so self absorbed. It's really hard to live in a household of arguing all the time. Not just me and her but mostly her and DH. I think he's going to cave soon though. I know it's horrible but I can't help lose respect for him when he cow tows to her and starts doing everything for her, giving her more money when she's blown through £200 in a weekend! Surely there must be a middle ground? She just won't allow it. Anytime she's told no, and it's not very often as my DH is not strict, she turns so difficult.

Theblackhen, you're right, it must be horrible to be afraid of losing your daughter and your wife. But I can't regret telling him how I've been feeling, I just wish he understood better. And I keep telling him he's not going to lose his DD. She may be difficult and angry right now but she loves him and knows he's there for her. Why can't he see that? Children don't lose their love for their parents, unless something really bad happens. And this isn't that.

Wdigin2this Tue 12-Apr-16 23:23:21

Finding I really understand what you mean by 'losing respect* it's hard to stand by and see your DH conned isn't it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 13-Apr-16 00:07:49

That's the problem though isn't it though, it does look like he's prioritised me over son, and in the long run, that doesn't work. - Japan I wouldn't agree that it doesn't work in a relationship. I would agree that if a DSC cannot get over that feeling, then there is horrible feelings of resentment. But it is not your fault surely?

You sound reasonable. All your step son had to do was be a bit less selfish and a bit more willing to muck in with both of you. The alternative for your DP was to not have a relationship. And the alternative for you was to have a very stressful homelife but be expected to do or say nothing and just clear up after him.

I have also had eldest DSD blame DP and say that he has prioritised me, when she moved out. And actually he didn't prioritise me at all (though probably should have!).

DontMindTheStep Thu 05-May-16 07:53:04

FindingPeace It's unlikely that your easiest patch of time would be with two girls 18 and 21. Such a selfish and arrogant age for many, meaning they WILL NOT BE TOLD, and young adults can be so insecure that they become agressively defensive.

When mine were toddlers, I used to think surprising them with my reactions was effective. I still use this.

Practice not being outraged with the 18 year old, and deploy affected maturity...

"Oh really darling? How adventurous of you. Sounds risky."

"Not studying? You're running out of time. 6 weeks to go? But I know you are prepared to work really hard on a job. Maybe you should be applying now so you are ahead of the game. You are very good at (??). To be honest, we struggle financially sometimes, but it paid off for us having (exam results?) and a "can do" attitude. There is still time to revise and change the result of your exams. But it's your choice. We want the best for you."

"Hmm. Your friend does that? Lucky for her her family are very accomodating!"

...So surprise them by being friendly, non confrontational. Disconnect from the irritation and be zen. Haha sooo hard, I know.

Also, take a break and get away for a few nights!! Visiting family is always a good option. Something needs to change because you are dangerously fantasising about leaving. It's a precursor to divorce. No one gets richer through divorce and so many of us are robbed emotionally. Invest in some time away from this insufferable home life and gain some fresh energy to cope on your return.

You can't change others..only yourself.flowers

Wdigin2this Thu 05-May-16 09:19:51

I totally agree, you should take a break away from them all! Book yourself into a Spa, (or whatever your thing is) for as long as you can afford without telling anyone. Then a few days before, sit them all down and announce in a pleasant voice, that you're sooooo tired of everyone's bickering and bad behaviour, you're taking yourself out of the equation for a while, and they can all get on with it without you!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 05-May-16 10:38:09

I honestly think you should look at separate households. You still have your own place so arrange for your tenant to move out and reclaim your space. Spend time with your partner by choice, enjoy your own space when he's with his DDs and just remove yourself from the drama.

My partner has his own house where he spends 50% of his time with his DCs. He stays with me the other half of the week. We have talked about living together in the future when our DCs are all grown up and while I do miss him when he's not here, I can see that the trials of DSDs won't end when they are 18 - their needs and desires will alway Impact my life (and the same with my own DCs) so actually maybe separate houses all the way is the answer?

It feels like that doesn't show commitment etc but what is actually shows is that you value your relationship and don't want it to be crushed under the weight of family responsibility. Keeping it as a part time thing gives you all time and space to appreciate each other.

Findingpeace Thu 05-May-16 18:51:14

I would love to get away for a bit. I'd be afraid I love it too much and hate returning home. Unfortunately my family live in another country or I'd definitely go stay with my DM for a while. Things have been okay for couple of weeks. DSD has a new boyfriend so she's been pleasant. I took my DM's advice and wrote my DH a couple of letters after it was particularly unpleasant around here (I was really ready to leave) but he seems to have taken on board my feelings now and has agreed we'll use the next year to prepare DSD for moving out ie, charge her (very minimal) rent, talk to her about budgeting, no more handouts. She isn't going to college and is working, although only 16 hours right now, DH is going to tell her she needs to get a full time job.
I was boiling mad last night though. DSD comes in with a friend while my DH is out working, No problem. She then starts to do the recycling which DH asked her to do but decides half way through (it's a 2 minute job) to leave it all sprawled across the kitchen counters and conservatory while she makes noodles. Her and her friend go into the other lounge to eat. 2 hours later she still hasn't finished the recycling or cleaned up the pots etc (which has been an ongoing problem). I waited 2 hours before asking her to clean it up, as SP I have to tiptoe around. She gave me attitude and waited another half hour to do it, just before DH got home. I told DH about this when he got home and he called her into the kitchen so as not to have a go at her in front of her friend. She told him to shut up and fuck off and they started yelling at each other. She started to call him a freak and kept repeating this in a sing song voice. He ended up telling her to leave which she did but was back again this afternoon with attitude.
I do love her and recognise she isn't ready to move out yet but she makes it so hard! And I'm really tired of keeping my mouth closed to keep the peace!
Sorry for going on and the length of this.

Findingpeace Thu 05-May-16 19:01:08

Sorry mark just saw your post. I really wanted to move back to my house! But my DH went mad about this and I do really love him. I wish I'd done what you did and never moved in but continued the relationship. In pretty much every other way my DH and I are so compatible and I know he loves me and he shows me he loves me everyday. If it went for this I would have been long gone!

Wdigin2this Fri 06-May-16 10:09:05

Good grief Finding that's appalling! If my DSC spoke to their dad like that, I would personally throw them out....and they wouldn't come back without a whole load of grovelling, apologising and a greatly improved attitude!

Paulo1 Fri 06-May-16 13:29:34

Finding
I have only a little experience of what you are going through as although I am in the same position as MarkRuffaloCrumble I do spend time as a guest in my partners home and even then his children’s attitude does not sit well with me but from your last post it does sound like your DH is now on board with being supportive towards you
I also would like to advise to be careful what you wish for and I don’t want to hijack your thread but can I just ask MarkRuffalo how long have you and your partner been together and do you sometimes experience a crises in cofidence in the security of your relationship?
I have been with my BF for four years but for simular reasons to yours we maintain separate houses and I periodically(weekly) struggle with my negative feelings toward the situation (although rationally I know it is the right thing to be doing ) so would not necessarily advocate that for the OP

Findingpeace Fri 06-May-16 18:52:49

Another blow out with DSD tonight. She came in, went to her room and turned her music up loud. Her DF was taking a nap before starting his second job tonight. I text her that he is sleeping and asked her to turn her music down. She didn't so I went up to her room and repeated this and she said she would but didn't so again I went into her room and told her to turn it down. She told me to fuck off! I told Her i would not be spoken to like this and if she can't speak to me with respect she will need to start thinking about moving out. I went down stairs but was so furious I had to speak to DH who obviously had been woken by the music. He went to speak to her and said basically the same thing.
Even though both DH and I recognise she is not ready to live away from home I'm afraid she is going to either move out in a huff or force us to kick her out!

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