Advice or Critisism?(10 Posts)
This thought just came to me whilst reading another thread. If your OH made a comment/told you something, about one of your DSC and you thought something like, 'OMGoodness, that'll end in disaster/they'll never manage that/that won't last long' etc....would you say so, or would you just smile and say, 'oh how nice/oh dear, never mind' or something equally innocuous, whilst furiously thinking the former?
I bite my tongue now, and wait for the point where my DH says - 'maybe it's not such a great idea', and then I try and be supportive.
It's a real struggle at times...a real struggle. But unless I'm absolutely convinced that I will be constructively advising I now try and keep my trap shut. They are his kids, it's his money, him and his ex will end up picking up the pieces if it doesn't go according to plan.
I think of the daft things my mother agreed to me doing...and its not that different.
Japan I absolutely agree....I did some really stupid things when young, and often think, 'Why the hell didn't someone stop me?!' But, I also agree it's best to be evasive, even when you're thinking....'How can they be so stupid as to think that'll work out?'
I think it's something that comes with age, mostly I just cannot be bothered to get into the whys and wherefores so, if it doesn't affect me directly I just smile vaguely! But, if it does have a direct impact on me, and I'm not happy about it, I just say an emphatic NO.....without discussion!
Through bitter experience I now bite my tongue, and usually ask him questions rather than give an opinion.
I did say a few things in the past and I got a tirade of defensiveness from my DP. I said them because a) what had happened directly affected me and my son and b) they were quite serious issues with DSD affecting their lives.
With the eldest DSD, as I've said before, she made a very big decision at aged 20 that negatively affects her life still. At the time she also lied horrendously about it to DP and began to tell DP it was all my fault if he so much as asked her to tidy her room. I stood well clear of it all for many, many months.
However as I began to have suspicions that all was not OK - I implored DP to talk to her about her future plans and her boyfriend. But it was all taken very negatively. I really tried to be very diplomatic! It was only when it all spectularly blew up that I voiced concern about her lying in particular. DP never confronted her about this, they just accepted it, despite other authorities at the time getting involved and she was referred to social services by the NHS. Even then I couldn't say anything!
I would say something. But if I was being sensible I'd phase it more tactfully that "Omg, that'll never work"!
But I think it depends a lot on how your relationship works. With my younger DSC I feel more like a parent than with older ones and they treat me more like a parent.So with them I'll feel like my opinion should count, whereas for older ones it's more that I'm supporting/advising DH in his parenting of his DC.
I'd still say something though just as I would if they were a friend's child about to do something stupid. I'll go away and look facts sometimes to present to DH. Bit harder with young adults though I guess bananas, when they're not accepting parenting from anyone.
I generally keep my mouth shut and only comment if DP askes for advice.. Easier that way..
I keep my mouth shut as well.
I got sick of hearing 'oh she wouldn't do that' with reference to his ex and his DD. Now that I've been proved right on so many occasions I don't actually need to say anything.
I have a good intuition for bullshit and lies and have picked up on things with other people and DP has said that I'm imagining things and months later I've been proved right and now he's finally listening to my instinct.
As far as his youngest DD is concerned I don't think he will ever think she's anything other than perfect even when other people have mentioned things to him. The leaders of the group she attends have mentioned her bad behaviour and bad attitude, my oldest has been on skype with her and has told her she's been in fights at school and swears online to my teen. Poor DP can't seem to understand that his perfect little angel is now a rather horrible 12 year old with a terrible attitude and is actually a bully.
So I say nothing and let him crack on. One day it will all come out and he will have to accept that actually she's not as lovely and perfect as he thinks. The scales are slowly falling from his eyes but not fast enough for my liking.
I'm learning to keep my mouth shut too. It's difficult and I feel there's a barrier in our relationship now because I can't speak my mind and be honest.
I have to say I find it a lot easier to keep my mouth shut as DSCs have grown and left home!
The hardest situations were when I was trying to co run a family household with live in and EW DSCs. How the kids behaved and interacted in the house was my business and directly affected me. So like Blue I agree situations can be different.
I still had to tread on eggshells! Probably aged me 10 years!!
Yes, every situation is different! Whenever my DH says something about what one of his DC are saying/doing, I listen carefully to see if he is just offloading, or looking for advice! Usually it's something like...'oh will he/she never learn', etc so I'll ask, 'how do you feel about it', then whatever he says next is the decider on whether I speak my mind, or just shut up and look sympathetic!
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