Stepdaughter and a new baby on the way

[RamboBambino2016]

Hi, I'm now 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby (soo excited!!) I have a stepdaughter who is nearly 10 and is extremely excited to be having a brother or sister at long last! I've been with her dad, my husband for 8 years and me and my SD have a great relationship. I've always treated her as my own altho in more recent years have acknowledged that I will undoubtedly feel differently towards my own baby when it comes along because of the natural bond.

I've always been clear with my husband that I know my love for my own baby will be different to the love for my SD but as long as she doesn't ever feel that I think it's fine. I should mention that we have SD every other weekend and extra in school hols.

My current worry is not with my SD but actually with my husband. Whenever I mention being excited to just be at home with hubby and our baby when it comes he always pipes up 'don't forget SD'. It really puts a downer on how I'm feeling and makes me feel like he's expecting me to turn into a horrible stepmum who will push the SD out. I don't want that but equally I don't want us to feel like we can't do special things with our little one because it's not our weekend to have SD etc. I don't want to have to schedule all the fun things for my children and family things around when their big sister is with us......is that mean of me?

I think of things like taking advantage of holidays being cheaper before they start school etc which will obviously mean that we would go without my SD.

Interested in people's thoughts please! Am I being mean about this?

[nephrofox]

You're not being mean, but you are jumping the gun a hit. You're 10 weeks pregnant, you have 2 or 3 years before needing to worry about new baby "missing out" on anything due to its older sister. By which time your stepD will be a teenager and probably more interested in hanging out with her friends then cramping her baby siblings style. The kind of activities the 2 of them will enjoy will be worlds apart and probably very easy to schedule separately.

[nephrofox]

I would give your husband a break a bit too. He is newly getting used to the idea of having 2 children and now 2 families go consider. I think it's a good sign overall he is thinking about how his daughter is going to feel. I think a lot of men don't see pregnancy the way women do - his isn't going to feel the baby growing the way you will and it may take a long time yet for him to see it as "real"

[Lunar1]

Are you already talking to your husband about things like cheap holidays without his daughter? If you are then he will be feeling naturally defensive and protective over her. Id also spend time time talking about the things that will be great for the 4 of you to do together.

[whifflesqueak]

when I was pregnant with my second child, I felt a lot of irrational guilt. as though I was somehow pushing out my firstborn.

whenever anyone mentioned the new baby, I would try to turn the conversation so that my older child was mentioned too.

I was scared I could never love another child as much. I was scared of sharing out my love.

I wonder if he feels the same.

it's okay though. of course I didn't live my firstborn any less when the baby came. you just find more love. it multiplies.

[FreshHorizons]

I can see why your husband is upset - I would be absolutely determined that my children were treated the same. You are having the second child of the family and will have a family of 4 and not a family of 3 with a visitor. You can't go off on holiday without the elder one- I doubt he will be willing.
As nophrofox says you haven't got long before the elder one is a teenager and will most likely be going to university by the time her sister is 8yrs and so you have plenty of time to do the fun things with the younger. She won't be bothered when a baby or pre school child- they are pleased by very simple things.
My DH is a step father to our eldest who is the 10yrs older and I certainly wouldn't have done things that excluded him.

[FreshHorizons]

It will be easy to do fun things when the elder child isn't there because they will like very different things. What is fun for a 3 yr old isn't fun for a 13 yr old.

[Wdigin2this]

Rambo I do actually get where your coming from, this is your first baby, and every woman fantasises about doing things for the first time, as the magical trio...mummy, daddy and new baby!

But I also sense your DH's wariness about leaving your DSD out, this is not his firstborn, and he probably did all the firsts with his EX and their child! That's not to say that you won't do stuff together without his DD, because a) you don't have her all the time, and b) she is getting older and will relatively soon be more interested in socialising with her friends. But, maybe don't talk too much about what you're looking forward to that doesn't include DSD, take it day by day as it comes.

And you're right, you will (naturally) feel very different about your own child. Quite frankly I would find it weird if any mother said they love their husband's child, from another relationship, exactly the same way they love their own....so don't beat yourself up about it!

[RamboBambino2016]

Thank you all, maybe I'm over thinking things right now! I think both me and my dh are worrying unnecessarily at this stage. I probs just need to relax a bit and see what happens.

[MrsCoreleone]

I have NCd as I don't want to be outed.

I had our DD when DSS was 10 so have been where you are. It was/is all fine. To be honest, DSS was not remotely interested until DD could crawl and now he plays with her nicely.

But.... I spotted pretty early on that DSS just didn't want to do the same things that we wanted to do with DD. So we did cut back a little bit on family outings as he didn't like 'going for walks' or going to zoo etc. It does mean that DD and I hang out more together at weekends when DSS is with us but it gives DSS really good quality 1:1 time with his Dad and shows him that he sees as much or more of his Dad since DD arrived, not less. Everyone seems happy so far. I am sure you will find a balance.

[Sunshine87]

I understand sometimes certain activities may not suitable to include your SD and baby. But as a mum I try to ensure i still spend quality with my DS who is 7. DH who is his SD and is taking to him to his first footie match Saturday whilst I'm with the toddler and baby as they done stuff more age and gender apporiate. I wouldn't go out of my way to book holidays when he was away at his dad's I think that's crossing the line. She still a member of YOUR expanding family and should be treated accordingly. If I felt for a second my DH would treat my other DC differently to my DS I wouldn't of entertained having children with him. She isn't a cousin or visitor she is your child's sibling and your DH DD. I'm not surprised your DH is concerned with many red flags at such an early stage.

[RamboBambino2016]

Wow not so sunshine! I think uv probably read me wrong here I'm not going to be going out of my way to exclude my SD, and our family holidays certainly wouldn't be planned without her. In fact there was a time when she came to us for the weekend and she was in tears because her mum was going on holiday without her. I don't ever want to cause her upset, I think I'm a really good stepmum. The fact that I am thinking this early on about how everything will work is only because I want us all to be happy including SD and I don't think is a red flag, and she has up to now been our sole focus when shes with us and that will obviously change. I just don't want my husband to feel guilty when he's with our baby and SD is not around. I want to reassure him that nothing will change when she's with us but I want us to still behave as a normal family when she's not too.

Thank you Mrs coreleone, it's really good to hear how it has been for people in the same situation as me.

[Cocochoco]

Of course you can go on holiday without her, so long as you also go on holiday with her.

[FreshHorizons]

I wouldn't worry. DSD will probably be besotted with the baby and it will evolve naturally that she does more with friends as she gets older. DH seems quite definite that the baby is the second child so it will all fit in. I have a 10yr gap and you have to have different activities some of the time.

[lateforeverything]

Wdigin2this I have to say that I was quite taken aback by this comment:

Quite frankly I would find it weird if any mother said they love their husband's child, from another relationship, exactly the same way they love their own.

Unusual maybe but 'weird' seems a bit harsh

Maybe that's just me though. I mean, I couldn't consider adopting dss if I didn't love him at that level. Just saying

[plumpynoo]

I was in a very similar situation to you, and i found myself worrying about jealousy, and either child getting excluded ect whilst i was pregnant. By the time your baby arrives you will find that the first few weeks are taken up with this massive adjustment to a newborn and the exhaustion that causes, so wont have time to worry about how DSD is feeling, and the whole family will just have to deal with that! The way around it we found was when it was DSD's turn to be with us my husband would primarily sort out things for her, maybe they would go out for the day leaving me with DS and we would all have dinner together when they came home. Although it seems like you are excluding DSD i can pretty much guarantee that she would rather have a fun day out with her dad than stay home listening to a newborn scream, you stress out and still try to think about entertaining her too! Now that my DS is older (16 months) we can all go out together more easily and it is fun for us all, rather than me stressing about naps/feeds/anything else baby needs whilst trying to make out i'm having a nice time for DSD's sake! I'm sure people will disagree with me, and say i'm separating the siblings, but DSD loves her little brother and they have a good relationship. It's just right at the beginning when DS was tiny this seemed to be the best solution for us all!
Hope this helps!

[crunchyfrog]

I can tell you how not to do it!
My children were:
Not allowed to meet their baby brother for two weeks
Excluded from their father's house for 6 weeks
When they then had trouble readjusting, their father was completely unsupportive to them.
Excluded from weekends away and family holidays
When his GF walked out on him recently, he blamed the younger children. To their faces. Shouted at them.

Basically, in 18 short months, he and his GF have destroyed the relationship they had with the kids.

So yeah. Don't do that.

[Cocochoco]

I'd agree with plump also it's highly irritating being a SM having your first baby as - unlike every other first-time mum - the focus is not on you or your baby but on the Dsc! My ILs were primarily concerned with dss not feeling left out and also how his mum would feel. I remember thinking I'd have to still make time to play board games with him (didn't happen), and also my mum telling him to unwrap all the baby gifts.

In the end you'll be totally preoccupied with your tiny newborn and so long as you do the present-from-the-sibling, and tell your Dsc how lucky the baby is to have a big sister I'm sure it'll be fine. Most kids love their baby siblings, and it's up to the dad to make sure the Dsc still gets some special time.

I love my dss and he loves me, btw!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I had a baby with my DP, it was my second but I still felt a bit sad that DP was way more concerned about keeping DSCs and volatile ExW happy. I'd say concentrate on your own experience, it'll be wonderful. Protect your own space in the house, leave any worries about step siblings to your DP. Put yourself in a bubble. Your DP and everyone else will come round in time. After the babies born.

[lateforeverything]

Oh poor dcs crunchyfrog

How much time are they spending with him now?

[crunchyfrog]

They see him once a week, ostensibly for 24 hours but they often refuse to go.
Last weekend was the first time in 2 months they all stayed over. This weekend they are getting 6 hours.

[suspiciousofgoldfish]

OP sometimes it's a bit shit being a step mum - you do miss out on certain 'firsts' and the focus isn't really on you as much as it would be if you were a normal first time mum.

That's the way it is.

On the flip side, you've got a DSD who you have a great relationship with, and who very soon will be at prime babysitting age!

She will undoubtedly adore her new sibling even more as they will be a bit more of a novelty (because she won't have to live with the crying, nappies, teething etc 24/7).

You will still have your 'family' weekend bonding time, don't worry.

Then you'll have just as special moments watching DSD and your DC spend quality time together.

(And you'll get a bit of a break!!)

[FreshHorizons]

Very true suspiciousofgoldfish - you do miss out on the first time mum bit but the advantages make up for it.

[Cocochoco]

crunchyfrog that's unbelievably sad. What a git

[Wdigin2this]

OK. Late maybe weird was a bit strong....but I cannot in all honesty, understand how it can be possible to love any child, in the same way as you do your own!

All of our DC were grown when we met, so the situation didn't really come up. However, when my DH's first grandchild was born, I felt very close, and as far as I and everyone else was concerned, I was and am still the child's grandmother!

Then....my own first grandchild was born, and I knew for sure the difference! I don't even know if It's really a bigger love, or if it's just soooo different, more how you felt about your own DC when they were little, maybe more personal! Of course if you never had DC of your own, there would be no comparison, so I suppose you can only comment if you've experienced both!