Husband spending too much time with DSD

[MrsBetty]

My DSD is 21 with 3 small children and another on the way. Her live-in boyfriend is currently in prison for the 2nd time. Everyone except hubby thinks she should have dumped him ages ago. Hubby thinks he'll change, but as he was re-arrested while out on tag I doubt it.
The problem is hubby is staying overnight with DSD 3-4 nights a week. Her mum only stays once a week because she has DSS ages 16-18 and lives further away. I've asked why hubby has to stay so often, he says it's to help DSD. He's not really doing much to help, though, as DSD children have gone to bed by the time he arrives and he doesn't take them to school in the morning. Also, he doesn't let me know he'll be staying there until early evening.
I'm disabled, mostly housebound and left on my own while hubby is away. Also he doesn't do any of the housework that I can't manage and I'm stuck here amidst filth. But that's a separate issue!
I've tried compromising by suggesting fixed nights when he stays there so at least I know what's going on. DSD told him she could manage with him there one night a week, but then phones him whenever she feels like it and asks him to stay. Neither of them have stuck to any of the agreements I thought we'd made and I'm starting to feel like a doormat. Hubby knows I'm unhappy but has said he'll carry on supporting DSD.
Any suggestions? Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm going mad!

[Wdigin2this]

Mrs Betty I've read your list through twice....and I honestly don't know what to say! However, it's obvious that nobody in this set up is very happy....so hopefully another poster may have some advice!

[wheresthel1ght]

Clearly she needs his support, he is being a pain by not forwarding or helping you however.

In the same situation as her I know my dad would be doing the same as your DH though and I know dp would do the same for dsd and dd.

Can you get a cleaner to help with the house? Or say to him that you have no problem with it but could he please make sure X y & z are done first?

[MsMommie]

I do understand where you're coming from, but then I absolutely understand that his child and grandchildren can, should and will be his number one priority.
Is there any reason you can't stay over with them?
I know you say you're 'mostly' housebound but is there no way you could just stay indoors at your step daughters house.
I do honestly feel for you, but Kudos to the man that puts his child first, at any age.

[MsMommie]

*Man or woman.

[theblackhen]

Whilst it's good he wants to support her, I do wonder how much he is enabling her to be helpless.

She needs support to help herself, is he giving her that or just " being there". Emotional support is good but this just sounds like he is feeding her helplessness rather than improving it.

[cansu]

Is staying there a way of opting out of helping at home?

[VertigoNun]

Is he obtaining benefits to be your carer or his dd's carer? Have you had a SS assessment?

[theblackhen]

Whilst it's good he wants to support her, I do wonder how much he is enabling her to be helpless.

She needs support to help herself, is he giving her that or just " being there". Emotional support is good but this just sounds like he is feeding her helplessness rather than improving it.

[llhj]

What exactly is he doing to help her?

[howtodowills]

I was going to say the same - what is he doing to help her if the kids are already in bed when he gets there.

Do they live close enough so that he could visit her and grandkids but then come home.

How recently did her partner go to prison? Is she coping with that or does she need dad for support?

[LittleNelle]

Do you think he is going there to help his DD or to escape home?

[wheresthel1ght]

Sounds like she is missing adult company and needs daddy around for reassurance.

When I walked out on my EA and frankly psychotic husband the first thing I did was ring my dad on his mobile. I just needed my daddy. I could have called the house phone but the thought of telling my mum what I had just done, even though she knew it was on the cards, was just too much. I needed my dad to tell me it was ok, that I could go home and he would look after me.

I was 32, no kids but I had a fairly good job on paper and am an intelligent woman who can function perfectly well normally. I spent years living alone in London and yet when my world fell apart all I wanted was my dad.

If she loves this idiot who is in jail then she likely feels like her world has ended and needs her dad to be there to hug her, laugh with her, watch shit chick flicks and eat crap til the hurt goes away. And credit to him he wants to be that dad.

Yes it's shit for you but hopefully it will be short lived. 21 is still only a young adult. I would cut her some slack

[MrsBetty]

Thanks for all your comments.
I've been talking with DH & trying to come up with a compromise (again) by asking him to fix some nights (2-3) when he stays with DSD so at least I know if he'll be home or not, but he's refusing to do that & says he'll stay there whenever he or she wants.
I agree with you blackhen, I think he's enabling her & not helping by going there whenever she asks.
She lives 15 minutes away so I don't really see why he needs to stay all night.
Her OH went to prison in January & all this started in February. He's on trial again in May so I'm not sure what we'll do if he goes to prison for a couple of years. I don't mind DH looking after her & I agree with the people who say it's good he takes care of her, it's the fact I never know if he'll be home or not & that I've been trying to make compromises but he won't listen!

[VertigoNun]

Is he your carer is there a reason why you need him around, do you have carers or had a SS assessment?

[MeridianB]

"I do understand where you're coming from, but then I absolutely understand that his child and grandchildren can, should and will be his number one priority."

In most cases, of course children and grandchildren are a high/top priority. But the OP has said she is disabled and he doesn't give her notice or disappears at short notice. That is not right.

Do you ever visit DSD's house or does she visit yours, OP? I'm wondering if there would be a chance for you, DH and DSD to talk it through and come up with a plan. Maybe DH needs to hear from her (again) about what help she needs?

[amarmai]

if he is your carer then perhaps ss needs to reassess . As you are disabled , he shd not be dismissing your needs.

[Blu]

The time that he is spending there seems to be geared to being least use, as you say.

Are you sure he is actually at hers when he stays out? It seems very odd.

It doesn't seem odd that he wishes to help and support his DD, but it seems odd that he does so so randomly.

Is he working f/t?

I don't know what to suggest, except laying out for him very clearly what impact, emotionally and practically, this has on you, whilst continuing to assure him that you support and resect his wish to support his DD.

[VertigoNun]

I don't understand why the Step daughter is getting the blame she is so young, befert, vulnerable, pregnant with lots of children.

This is a marital issue or vulnerable person living with disabilities issue and I asked MNHQ to consider moving the thread to a place where you can get more specific help OP.

[MrsBetty]

I'm sorry you think so Vertigonun. I posted here because this is about DH & DSD. I've had enough and I'm not going to post here anymore.

[VertigoNun]

Ok I was trying to help you. I wish you well.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

But this isn't about the DSD, it's about the husband. If he's not taking care of his disabled wife, that's down to him being a crap husband. If he's not doing his bit around the house, that'a down to him being a crap husband. If he disappears without a word and is gone for ages, that's down to him being a crap husband.

Whether he's helping his dd and his grandchildren is neither here nor there, as a husband he's not stepping up. Great Dad, great Grandad, crap husband.

And I have no 'step' axe to grind. If this thread were in Relationships, the crapness of him as a husband would be pointed out.

[Lunar1]

The dsd is very young with 3 children, what has her partner gone to prison for. It could be that everything is falling apart for the dd and her children are really suffering right now.

It doesn't excuse him abandoning you with no warning and using your house as a hotel. If he was a good man he would find ways to manage things better. Is he your carer? If he's going to be at this daughters he needs to arrange help for you and get the cleaning sorted.

[mamager]

I would have a bit more time for him if he were helping her with the children, rather than arriving after they've gone to bed. He has a dynamic where he prefers his unit with his DD at her house rather than at home with his DW where he might have to face up to his responsibilities. His DD on the other hand, needs to confront her relationship and future, which she won't do while he is making it 'ok' (not good, but bearable) by supporting her.

A lot of people find it easier to keep going in a shit situation if they have sometime to offload about it all the time.

[VertigoNun]

Wow I have a mumsnet stalker who is also misrepresenting events.