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Advice on exdp gf.

(135 Posts)
oneorthebloodyother Tue 29-Mar-16 18:45:42

Firstly I'm not a stepmother I'm asking on here to get a little bit of an insight before I go in head first and start shouting the odds at exdp and his gf.

Exdp left me for his gf just over 3 years ago now, yes it does still hurt a little bit for the most part I'm over it.
Anyway myself and ex haven't always got on but recently we have been able to sit in the same room without wanting to kill each other so I feel we're in a good place to co parent our two ds'.
We've both agreed a timetable of how and when he has dcs but his gf is now trying to throw a spanner in the works, saying to him she doesn't want him spending so much time away from her or at my house which is only one evening per week and I'm not even there.
It really has riled me up as my dcs have missed out on so much time with their dad not only because of him but her aswell and I don't know what to really do about the situation, I know that if I say something to him it will more than likely cause an argument and put all our hard work back to square one.
I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Wibu to txt her and let her know that my dcs were there before she even existed and will be there long after she has gone and if she is so worried about the fact he is at mine then she shouldn't have slept with another woman's and especially one who has children.

Sorry it was a bit of a rant but I think you get my drift.

neonrainbow Tue 29-Mar-16 18:47:31

Why is he seeing the kids at your place? And how do you know he isn't just using her as a convenient excuse?

thatsthewayitgoes Tue 29-Mar-16 18:48:58

Hugs OP. I too am not a step parent but am a parent. Your ds must come first in your ex-dp's priority list - completely agree. However I wouldn't speak to her about it. It's nothing to do with her. You need to speak to exdp and get him to speak to her once he's realised that his son is higher up the priority list than she is. Good luck. Feel for you xx

neonrainbow Tue 29-Mar-16 18:49:27

And yeah i wouldn't text her. If she is trying to interfere in access arrangements i would tell him to tell her to keep her nose out as it's nothing to do with her. Does she contact you directly?

MuttonCadet Tue 29-Mar-16 18:52:30

Sorry you're going through this, but I'd keep it away from her, she'll just use it against you in future or start trying to justify her actions somehow.

Why is contact at your place? It can't be great having to leave once a week. thanks

Fourormore Tue 29-Mar-16 18:52:42

I wouldn't contact her either. Your problem isn't her, it's him. It's his responsibility to hold proper boundaries. It's him choosing to let her get in the way.

He sounds like a nob but you messaging to say you can't stand her and that he's become a horrible person isn't going to be helping matters either. Just stay focused on the kids.

oneorthebloodyother Tue 29-Mar-16 18:52:57

No she has never directly contacted me, nor I her except when I first found out about them sleeping together and I have not spoken to her since.

He has them at my house once a week so I can go to the gym or see friends in the evening I am usually home by 9.30 10pm the latest and he leaves to home straight away.

neonrainbow Tue 29-Mar-16 19:05:37

I am a stepmum and never ever contact dscs mum to discuss contact. I don't need to cos their dad does all that.

oneorthebloodyother Tue 29-Mar-16 19:18:48

she isn't trying to discuss contact with me but complaining to him that he spends one evening at my house

Fourormore Tue 29-Mar-16 19:24:15

So that's his problem, not yours. Why is he even telling you that?

DustyBustle Tue 29-Mar-16 19:24:43

He should have the children at his place overnight on your gym/friend day. Then you don't have to bother about getting back for them, he gets them to school the next morning. Win win.

Visitation time at the ex's house rarely works smoothly if there are new partners involved.

BertieBeats Tue 29-Mar-16 19:26:49

I'm a step parent and always been pretty relaxed about contact with partner and his kids so can't really comment from her POV. But ,you contacting her asking why she feels your ex shouldn't see his children more might bring her down a peg or two. Some women would only moan about access to their partner as it portrays them as the evil stepmother otherwise (and I know I would never want to be known as that - but that might just be me ). Saying that, you shouldn't really have to ask her for permission, he should be more of a man and tell her that he's seeing his children regardless.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 29-Mar-16 19:32:00

I'm with dusty, let chimney have the kids overnight at his and then she's nothing to complain about, and you get a lovely whole evening to yourself. it's win win smile

Sunshine87 Tue 29-Mar-16 19:35:59

I still don't understand the need for your ex to be at your house for contact it sounds likes control thing on your part I can understand his partner questioning the need for it to be at your house. As a DM in a similar position my DS has regular access at his dad's house, it seems a simple solution to alter access to his house,how come he isn't having access on a weekend either?

neonrainbow Tue 29-Mar-16 19:43:17

The ex shouldn't be telling you what his dp is saying.

oneorthebloodyother Tue 29-Mar-16 19:52:57

It's not possible for him to have overnights at his house during the week as he starts work at 7am and the dcs school is over an hour away from his house, meaning I would have to leave my house at 5.30am to collect them bring them back home then leave at 8.30 to get them to school.
So it has nothing to do with control its just what works best for us.

This is not the the first time that we have had this issue its been pretty much the same since they have been together only now we have more of a set schedule which is putting her nose out of joint even more as he isn't spending as much time with her.

The only reason he told me was through a slip of the tounge when I asked if he wanted any extra days during the holidays.

Sunshine87 Tue 29-Mar-16 19:55:59

Maybe cut the day at your house then and he just see them at his on the weekend and holidays?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 29-Mar-16 20:01:17

If he can't have them at his, perhaps Sunshine is right, it's clearly not working out so it might be for the best. She is probably insecure and feels threatened by him being in your home, and will hopefully stop interfering if you take that out of the equation.

I've gotta say, no way would I want my ex here at my house to see DD1,and we are really good friends who socialise together! I'm funny about who I have in my home though so I might be in the minority.

wheresthel1ght Tue 29-Mar-16 20:08:50

As a step mum with a hostile at best relationship with dp's exw I wouldn't take you contacting me too well.

Our situation is very different though. I was not the OW. Exw cheated and kicked my do out so she could move OM in along with his kids. She has also gone out of her way to block contact, shut do out of their kids lives, isolate them from us, lie that our dd would mean daddy wouldn't have time anymore. The list goes on. So for me her contacting me would be another step in her manipulating things to suit her twisted take on life.

I think in your situation I would tackle it with your exh. From my perspective not everything the cheating parent says is the truth. They will often try and blame other people in order to hide their guilt. I am not saying she hasn't said these things but I also wouldn't trust your exh to be telling the complete truth.

As for the contact at your house, it isn't normal. But if it works for you then that is all that matters.

oneorthebloodyother Tue 29-Mar-16 20:21:41

That's the thing it does work for us (the majority ie myself, ex and most importantly dcs).

I may come across as being selfish and blaming her but I'm not I know that it's exdps problem to sort out with his partner and I don't feel as though I should budge on this one, I've done the majority of care for the last 3 years while they have been living their lives and I feel as though I deserve 3 hours a week at most to relax, I work aswell so on my days off I'm usually catching up on things at home shopping, preparing food for the week so I have little free time.

As I said we have come a long way so I am now ok with ex being in my house and tbh why shouldn't he be able to See our dcs in their home what's not normal about that? Or is it more normal to to have a broken family where neither parent gets on and there are no conversations other than emails and silence at pick ups.

Sunshine87 Tue 29-Mar-16 20:28:16

But it's not working tho op. Would be different if he lived locally and could take them properly but that's not the case here. It isn't normal contact and it's clear there's issues behind it. I don't see how you can move forward with it.

Sunshine87 Tue 29-Mar-16 20:30:05

Your ex should be able to have DC in his own home environment. It's not necessary for him to be at your home. Personally I wouldn't want my ex in my home either. He only came in once after DS had an operation on his eye.

wheresthel1ght Tue 29-Mar-16 20:31:21

That wasn't what I meant, I just meant nrp parent would usually have contact at their own home or a neutral location. And as I said the important thing isn't what is or isn't normal, it also isn't what is best for you or your ex. The only thing that is important is what is best for the kids. If they are happier and more secure having contact in their own home then that is 110% the right thing for you to be doing.

What I am getting at is just because your ex says it is coming from his gf doesn't mean that it is. It could be his spineless way of getting out of a weeknight contact that no longer suits him.

Unfortunately we can all guess or make suggestions but the only way to really resolve it is to talk to him. Yes it will risk your now stable relationship but honestly, he already wrecked that when he told you his gf is pissed off.

wheresthel1ght Tue 29-Mar-16 20:34:59

Sunshine in this situation it is necessary. I can understand why this is the arrangement.

It really doesn't matter what you or any of us would feel about an ex in our house. It matters that in this case the kids get to see their dad and it works for the op.

Helmetbymidnight Tue 29-Mar-16 20:35:58

But it is working for you, ex and the kids.
If the ex has an issue then it's his problem.
You don't come across as selfish at all but you definitely shouldn't get in touch with her- he makes his own choices doesn't he? He sounds very weak.

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