AIBU? SOOOO frustrsted!

[leamarie2013]

My partner has 2 kids...in fact no, he has 2 ADULTS! A daughter at 19, and a son at 21. They both live at home, pay nothing, do nothing around the house, and to top it off his sons GF has been here every night for 4 months! They sleep all day, awake all night!

Am I the only one who has noticed she moved in? Am I the only one who can see they are all taking the complete p**s ? AIBU to think they should get off there arses and get jobs, or clean up, or do SOMETHING!

I cannot mention it to my partner without it being WW3! We have been together for 5 years, I haven't just arrived & stuck my nose in! I have a son of 14 (who is at that age of being a complete nightmare) and even he comments on how lazy they are! Kids are one thing ..but these are adults!

AIBU??? Because I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown?

[leamarie2013]

OH AND!....they all smoke (he suplies them with cigs) his daughter (19) is on sick but spends all £440 p/m online on make up and clothes (yet she hasn't left the house since xmas!) He goes to get her money from bank, goes to shop for her cat food, tampax, hair dyes...you name it! They upstairs all day, yet as soon as we settle down at night to watch a film they come down n we don't get a minute alone! I feel like I am going to explode with anger, yet my partner won't hear a word...I've got a "vendetta" against them!

I've redecorated 3 times in 5 years, but it's always a mess! they have no respect, wreck everything, he's not helping them in the long run, they've no incentive to get jobs or move out, but I can't make him understand that! I'm flogging a dead f***g horse! HELP!

[wheresthel1ght]

Your problem is with your partner refusing to tackle his kids.

At their ages they should be working and contributing but he needs to man up.

If nothing has changed in 5 years then you may need to decide if you want your son growing up in this environment.

[WhatTheActualFugg]

I wouldn't tolerate this from my own children. Neither would DH.

If you stay in this environment you are letting them set your own son a very bad example.

[Penfold007]

Who's house is it? I'd be making plans to end the relationship.

[SallyDonovan]

As is often said on Mumsnet, the primary issue is not your stepchildren but your partners refusal to deal with them.

I couldn't live like this and would seriously be considering the future of your relationship. Are you married? Who owns the house?

[nephrofox]

Take your son and leave them all to their squalor.

You both deserve better. This will not magical get better

[wannabestressfree]

That would be the end of my relationship. If he won't make them contribute etc..I would be a festering ball of rage.

[WellErrr]

That would piss me off too. I certainly couldn't live with this, and I could have no respect or affection for a man who supplied his own children with cigarettes.

So I'd have LTB.

[leamarie2013]

Thank you! So i am not a horrible, unreasonable bitch! Yay! It IS HIS fault! Their mum walked out when they were 7 & 9 and he's brought them up on his own since...I can understand that in one way he's trying to make up for their mum not being around, but now at their age it's beyond a f***g joke!

It's his house but I got my own house in June...I couldn't bear it any longer! I now go at weekends and when I've had enough I go home! To my nice, clean, quiet house lol! We are engaged, and I've told him I'm not saying we can NEVER live together again...but not while they are at home! I'd never dream of asking any man to make a choice between me and his kids, but I should be allowed an opinion after 5 bloody years surely!

What pisses me off most is I encourage him to be involved in my son's life! Yet HIS "kids" I can't say a word about! My son knows it's not normal, he's said to me himself that they need to get a life, n why does my man put up with it! And he knows full well that it's not something I'd ever let him get away with, that's why I had to get me & him out of there, but to be fair, whether I had or not, he knows that isn't normal behaviour!

[Wdigin2this]

Well done for getting yourself and your son out of that horrible scenario! Tbh I could not even spend 5 minutes in a house where people smoke....never mind all the rest of it!

I think, based on what you've told us about your fiancé, I'd be seriously reconsidering marriage to him!

[neonrainbow]

Id just call it quits and move on.

[Fyaral]

Urgh sounds awful. Can you persuade DP to spend time at yours so you never have to see them? Where do they get money from?

[Lunar1]

Bloody hell, I'd just gather up the rest of yours and ds's things and not return from your other house. What do you gain from it?

[Eustace2016]

I do think you've done the right thing. I would not move a man back in here (I live with my teenagers and one adult son and the adult son who certanily doesn't smoke collects the other children from schol every day and cooks for at least one of them every night - so in other words is pretty helpful and works full time). I don't charge him rent but I feel that's fair given what he does at home and that he's planning to buy a house and move out.

I don't understand though why you would want this man? I don't think I'd date a man with chidlren like that. It would put me off, particularly the smoking.

[leamarie2013]

His son has NO money! Won't even sign on as he says it's "embarrassing"...(yet him and his GF poncing of his dad isnt!) And his daughter gets sick money from DWP for "depression" (although what someone who never leaves the house, and has a personal slave, has to be depressed about I'd love to know!)

My partner IS an amazing bloke, he's been there for me, great with my son, & other family when we've had shit going on! He's kind, generous, caring, has a heart of gold and I know I could trust him with my life!...the ONLY thing that I can't live with is this with his "kids"! It breaks my heart, and it drives me crazy, and I'm FUMING...not only watching him having the piss taken out of him on a daily basis...but that he can't see it, or won't, & he won't do anything about it...and worst of all, that my opinion doesn't matter and that I'm a bitch for saying anything! RAHHH! It's SOOOO maddening!

Oh and I do try to get him to come and stay at mine, but there's always an excuse! Being at mine depresses him...it's like a "show home", and then he has to go back to his house and its like a "shit-hole"!

WELL WHO'S FAULT IS THAT!?! THE REASON YOU LIVE IN A "SHIT-HOLE" DARLING...IS BECAUSE YOU LET THEM TREAT IT LIKE A "SHIT-HOLE"!

We'd been together 5 years yesterday! I guess it's about time I faced facts, nothing's gonna change! I've done the hardest part...moved out! That's got to be the worst part!

[TiredOfSleep]

I agree your dp needs to find a backbone but the way you talk about his daughter is terrible. It's not normal for a teenager to spend all day at home for weeks and months on end and does indicate depression.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible with this family.

[leamarie2013]

I know its not normal, I have tried a million times to discuss it with DP, but as soon as I broach the subject he flys off the handle! It's not that I don't give a shit about her, far from it! I have tried talking to her, I've gone with her to the doctors, and to get a referral for councelling (but she refused to go when the appointment came through). The problem is, that while ever DP keeps doing everything for her, she has no motivation to do anything! She doesn't even go to the local shop! Yet she is constantly online buying make up, clothes, hair extensions...she spends about 3 hours getting dolled up...then puts her dressing gown on and sits on the bed watching tv all day!

I'm not saying she hasn't got issues...but DP isn't helping matters, she DOES take advantage of him, and she IS bloody lazy! And after 5 years of neither of them (and now the GF) paying towards anything, not lifting a finger to help round the house, making NO effort whatsoever to look for a job or go to college...I think it's about time they got a kick up the arse!

[amarmai]

who wd be compatible with this family? You did the right thing ,op-you got your own house.

[MissBeaHaving]

I agree Tired,
Depression isn't something that someone can help,it's a chemical imbalance.
If the Dwp are paying her Esa they must be satisfied that she is genuinely ill,they don't pay out unless they have enough supporting evidence.
I'm so disappointed that in this day and age people still think along the lines of the Op.

[leamarie2013]

Ok can I just say, I have depression! I have had it for years, and have been taking anti-depressants for years! I KNOW about depression believe me! I went with her to he DWP medical, and half of what came out of her mouth was completely exaggerated! Like I said...I'm not saying she hasn't got issues...but is her dad doing absolutely EVERYTHING for her going to help her??? I don't think so! You have absolutely NO idea!

[leamarie2013]

Also I'm a full time carer for my sister who has special needs, and her son who has GDD! My MIL has dementia, and things are getting really hard work with her now and DP is just getting over pleuricy!

For almost a month I nearly ran myself into the ground! Between things with my sister and nephew, looking after DP and MIL and my 14 year old DS...cleaning and shopping for 3 houses, I decorated 2 rooms at DPs house! I hardly slept or ate, I made myself ill I was so exhausted...yet not ONCE in that month, did SD, SS or his GF, so much as ask if I was ok! Ask if I wanted a cup of tea! Offer to help with anything! Wash so much as a cup! Ask if I needed a hand, or need anything from the shop!

So tell me, AIBU to have got to the point where I've really had enough!?!

[MissBeaHaving]

No of course not,it sounds horrific.
You would be better if out of it if it's stressing you out that much,you are only human & can only take so much.

I still feel the same about the way you have berated her about the depression though,especially being a sufferer yourself.

[swingofthings]

My partner IS an amazing bloke, he's been there for me, great with my son, & other family when we've had shit going on! He's kind, generous, caring, has a heart of gold and I know I could trust him with my life!...the ONLY thing that I can't live with is this with his "kids"

Unfortunately, what makes you love your partner is what makes him the way he is with his son. He is not generous and caring, he is TOO generous and caring. Can you encourage him to change? Is he happy with the way things are?

Unfortunately, however wonderful a man he is, he is a crap parent and frankly I wouldn't want my 14yo anywhere near someone who thinks his son's behaviour is acceptable.

[leamarie2013]

I can't even talk to him, as soon as I try it's an argument! I don't think it's a case of he can't see it, it's a case of he doesn't WANT to see it! You're right, the stuff I love IS what's making him like he is! If after 5 years i can't even discuss it with him, I guess I won't ever be able to will i! Some days I honestly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! lol. I'm just gonna have to call it quits. We're never gonna agree where this issue is concerned, things will never change, and I can't take much more!

Thanks for letting me vent haha!

[VelvetCushion]

Bloody hell, you sound like a saint. Your DP is lucky to have a woman like you. Glad to here you have got your own house. I admire you OP, you are a strong woman who sounds like a lovely person but those kids are taking the piss and your DP is letting them get away with it. As for the daughters depression, anyone can go to the doctors and make up a load of symptoms then play on it at the benefits office. Ive had depression By the way. Shes lazy and so is the son. Stick,to your guns. At least you have a bolt hole to escape to. I bloody admire you.