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(8 Posts)
newname99 Sun 27-Mar-16 17:33:28

We usually see DSD17 over the holidays - it's never quite a week as DSD usually wants to see friends in her home town, go to her p/t job or study.

DSD said recently that she would come to us from Wed for 4 days as she was working a few evenings so it didn't suit her. We had considered going away within the UK for a few days seeing family however she was not keen to go with us as she wanted to catch-up with study as she has her A levels exams. She was very clear that she needed to study over Easter as was feeling stressed about exams.

I was fully supportive of this (as A levels are critical) so DH & I moved our week off work until next week, when she wouldn't be here. DH & I can work from home so she will be around with our ds, studying or just resting. She also planned to invite a friend over to stay during this time which we were fine with. This was her choice entirely and she actually said she was happy just being at ours as she could study well.

So me & DH start to plan something to do for next week but family we were due to visit are no longer around. So we start looking further afield and someone we know is going skiing so this has become an option. DSD has been skiing once with her mum and our ds9 has never been. DH & I have never been together.

So here is the dilemma, if we go skiing DSD is likely to get very upset, however if we offer to take her she will not be able to study so it doesn't feel like a sensible choice. I feel we either have to go without her or not go skiing - just go somewhere in the UK where DSD will not want to come so ("because it's so boring" ) she doesn't have to choose.

If DSD lived with us we would not consider going away before exam time. Indeed we have completely organised our summer holidays around her A levels results day

However I'm not sure if she 'grounds' herself at her mum's due to study (which is very positive) does that mean we should not go away somewhere exciting as it's too tempting for her?

Runner05 Sun 27-Mar-16 18:07:14

Ouch, that's a difficult one.

Is she going on holiday with her mum this year?

I think I would be inclined to go but promise a really good holiday next year when she doesn't have exams. But it really does depend exactly how upset you think she'll be.

newname99 Sun 27-Mar-16 19:17:16

Yes she will be going on holiday with her mum and we are taking her away in the summer - to a place she asked to go.

We could promise a trip for next year but she will hopefully be at Uni and it may not fit also finances may also not allow so I would be loathe to promise.

I know she will feel very jealous if she doesn't go and DH is desperately afraid of upsetting her. I genuinely believe it's more important she sticks with her study plans but suspect she will decide to come and then stress about not studying whilst there so we'll have to moderate our trip significantly.

If my dc was at a similar stage in exams I guess we wouldn't go but it feels odd to stay home because dsd (who like most teens doesn't choose to spend lots of time with us) can't make those dates.

iyamehooru Sun 27-Mar-16 19:37:46

Surely she can holiday with you and study for a few hours a day by splitting it into a morning and evening session. She can't have the holiday again but she can resist A levels. Family time is far more important than study time IMO.

nephrofox Sun 27-Mar-16 19:44:17

She can't have the holiday again but she can resit a levels

????!!!!!!!

I pity your kids with that unsupportive attitude from their parents

newname99 Sun 27-Mar-16 20:38:56

I did ask for opinions so welcome all the different views! Dsd is trying to get into a good RG Uni and she would be gutted if she got less than predicted results.She does not want a gap year either.If she didn't get her grades I fear the holiday would be blamed.

I think the challenge with studying is that she relies on WiFi for resources and we know it's not going to be readily available.Also she would need a suitcase for her books.Dh would not be keen to let her go back to the chalet alone to study so I suspect our routine would be on her schedule.

On a recent trip in a tiny hotel we all had to wait for dsd to get ready in the mornings as dsd didn't feel comfortable walking up alone 1 flight of steps to meet us in the breakfast room so going back to a hotel from the slopes solo would be a no go.

I think we'll not go.It's likely to cause too much conflict, if she went she would be stressed over not studying but if she's doesn't go she will be resentful.

I just need to let go of the idea.

Lunar1 Sun 27-Mar-16 21:57:44

You sound a lovely stepmum, it's probably the right decision in a bit of a no win situation.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:57:13

I'm not sure why it is so terrible you and your DP going away together? Why would your DP be so scared of telling her? As well as studying she surely doesn't expect to not miss out on every treat or holiday? If you never took her, then she might have a point. But you clearly include her and even completely rearrange work schedules to accommodate, so go!!

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