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need to vent about dps ex

(22 Posts)
DarthPrincess Sat 26-Mar-16 12:28:59

Need to offload a little, nobody in rl is in my situation and I don't want to bang on to dp constantly as obviously he's affected more and we've discussed it at length and I don't want to add my feelings ontop.

Some may remember my last thread ( much happier about taking dsd's sister out with us) anyway things ticked along nicely, everyone was getting on etc. Dp has changed roles and his working days have changed so they had agreed temp days for 3 weeks until his new set rota was in place. They had agreed set Friday overnight every week (11am Fri till sat night) mum won't allow any other time and getting the overnight weekly was a massive plus for dp.
Anyway he randomly got a text this week saying she was taking him to the csa as the amount he pays 'is a joke' and he's an absent dad and he should pay more.
He replied he wasn't absent he has her at any opportunity he can and always texts asking for extra contact but he always gets told no. The amount he pays is above what csa will award but she's demanded an attachment to his earnings and has now refused his overnights and limited his contact to a few hours on Friday and a few on Saturday ( we live an hour away so she knows this will be a problem as it means having my 2 kids in a car for 4 hours in total and dsd for 2 hours each day)

We've decided to go to court and fight for dps rights and so he can have the contact he craves with his daughter. He's told her this and a massive shitstorm ( for lack of a better phrase) has started. Apparently we think we are indestructible and untouchable and no judge will allow an almost 3 year old overnight stays with her father etc. We have the added bonus of dp not being on the birth certificate so to get his name put on we've been told we need a dna. He's asked her and she's refused saying he's now denying he's her father ( he absolutely is not but we need it as a legality)
Dp text her saying please don't stop my overnight it's our bonding time and she loves being with her daddy. Her reply was he was a vile dad using his daughter as emotional blackmail - he's not, just a broken man desperate to see his daughter
It's all a mess and my heart is breaking for dp and dsd. She's a happy little girl and loves her dad and he dotes on her and I can see this getting far worse before its resolved.
We haven't seen her for two weeks and she hasn't stayed overnight for a month. Apparently she's going to use this in court as he hasn't been around ( we have messages begging for his access so we can prove he's tried)
Not sure how it's all gone wrong so quick! He's supposed to have contact tomorrow ( last two she cancelled on the day saying she was unwell and she's stopped him calling as he used to phone dsd between her being here) we've got Easter presents for her and her sister so even if she refuses I've said to do we will drive thru and leave the gifts to not spite the kids.

I'm flitting between sadness that this little girl is wondering where her dad is and anger at her mother for causing all this upset and then confusion as to what has caused this ( I know she wasn't happy in the begining that dp had a partner but I thought we where passed that now)

I don't know what I even expect to gain from this post but it's all bubbling on in my head and I just want to offload if anyone wants to comment then feel free ( the ones from my last post who said it would never work taking the older sister can feel free to say I told you so)

DarthPrincess Sat 26-Mar-16 12:31:22

Totally missed the bit about her refusing contact on dps days off during transition to his new role as she said he could only have the days that suited her and HER daughter ( that's why I mentioned this in the begining about temp contact being agreed)

Wdigin2this Sat 26-Mar-16 13:22:00

OMG, what a mess!! Surely, the courts will see through this spiteful, vindictive behaviour, and put measures in place to ensure your DP has regular access to his DD?! Or am I, in my complete lack of experience in such matters, being naïve?

Penfold007 Sat 26-Mar-16 14:26:07

Your P needs to decide what he wants to do. A first step would be to check the CSM calculator and work what maintenance he should be paying. Then depending on how determined to deal with situation he is he could reduce payments to the CSM minimum or as she has denied he is the father stop payment altogether (put the money in a savings account).

He then either leaves it until CSM contact him and informs them that the mother has told him he is not the father so he won't pay until after the DNA or he goes to court to ask them to put him on the birth certificate, order access and a DNA blood test.

He really needs to stop letting this woman call the shots.

DarthPrincess Sat 26-Mar-16 14:28:38

I've been through the court system with my youngest (no nasty behaviour though) so I do have faith that he will get regular set access. It's just frustrating that all the power is on her side. He has to go when she says or he has no time at all and she's choosing tiny slithers of time when they have always had two days and one night every other week ( again not dps choice)
She has nothing to lose by dragging her heels so that's what she's doing. He's literally got no options and legally he has no parental rights. She won't even let him have a Copy of the birth certificate to open her a savers account ( we've still put it to one side) . He isn't even allowed to collect from nursery ( unless he will go and drop off two mornings a week which he physically can't do, an hour in the car which I'd be using for my school runs so an hour and 45 mins on the bus, to see her for five minutes walking to nursery then 1hr45 home again!!) whilst she takes her other dd to the same school..... Yes I know technically he can go through and take her but it just seems ridiculous for five minutes when she's limited all other quality contact.

I just feel that some of her reasons are illinformed and I'd love to talk sense and facts to her. She seems to think dp earns thousands more then he does ( average job minimum wage no overtime his new role is around £100 a month more I'm sure she thinks its closer to £1000 extra) funny how money always goes hand in hand with access.
Screw ex and screw dp and their feelings there is a confused 3 year old wondering why her dad hasn't been around and then the tiny bits he gets she asks to sleep at daddy's and it's heartbreaking saying no no we are going back to mummy's tonight.

DarthPrincess Sat 26-Mar-16 14:38:59

Penfold that's what I said but if he doesn't jump thru her hoops she blocks all contact.

Someone else had suggested him saying that and getting the Dna done then it's already done and she won't refuse it as she wants the money. CSA will award her less then she was getting so I've suggested we put the extra into savings for her as I save for my two. We just know once he says this to csa she will stop all contact until we go to court.

We get the usual I can't wait until she's older and sees you for what you are. It's like I live in a parallel universe because he's far from a Disney dad and he will hold his hands up when he's in the wrong.

We have a recommendation for a good solicitor so will be seeing them asap and we will use our holiday fund to pay for it. This is a bit more important then a break away with the kids - which she would stop dsd going on anyway so she'd miss out again.

So glad I only have this from one side and I don't get it all from my own ex.

Wdigin2this Sat 26-Mar-16 16:58:10

Good luck to you, I really hope a) you get it sorted through the courts, and b) she one day gets hit by karma for treating her DD so badly!

gamerchick Sat 26-Mar-16 17:07:43

You can buy anybodys birth certificate he doesn't need to rely on her giving one.

Personally I would go with a PPs suggestion. Force the dna via withheld child support and stick it in the bank in the meantime.

If he keeps rolling over she'll keep calling the shots.

cannotlogin Sat 26-Mar-16 18:10:09

is she has been to the CSA/CMS then all he needs to do is deny he's the father on their first contact with him. She will then need to agree to a DNA test to proceed. The CSA DNA test is legal for court purposes. Job done.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 27-Mar-16 08:27:04

I completely disagree with the advice you have been given !

You have to completely separate cms/csa from access . Children are not pay per view.
Your DP has to start being proactive. Begin the court process immediately
. Go online and download the form to apply for a choice arrangements order. Fill it in. Pay your £215 and agree to mediation. If you have no savings and are on a low income fill in the 'exemption from fees' form. Tick the box agreeing to mediation. That costs £200 each parent also can be waived due to low income. If a legally binding agreement cannot be made, it will go to court for the judge to decide. The court can also order the DNA . He will also need to apply for PR. (Parental responsibility) this can all be done at the same time.

Every other weekend 6pm-Friday - 6pm Sunday with 'tea' one night in the week is a usual minimum starting point.Child arrangement orders have to be complied with or ultimately the resident parent can face prison if they don't comply.

Your DP needs to stop being pathetic and jumping to this mothers tune. He needs to stand up for himself and his daughter.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 27-Mar-16 08:29:01

Sorry, wrong link. You need this one....

Marilynsbigsister Sun 27-Mar-16 08:47:51

'Child' not 'Choice' arrangement order

Penfold007 Sun 27-Mar-16 08:49:18

Darth getting legal advice is a good idea and you both obviously put this child's welfare before holidays etc. No way am I suggesting that children are pay per view but the mother is doing this.
Mediation may be a good place to start.

Zampa Sun 27-Mar-16 08:56:31

Taking court action is the best thing DP and I ever did. It took 9 months from applying to court to a final order being granted. CAFCASS were brilliant and saw through every false allegation thrown at us and we ended up with more contact than we originally set out in our application.

Try and keep the moral highground throughout. It's so easy to retaliate to all the crap thrown at you in these circumstances but knowing that we were "in the right" helped us cope with some of the worst behaviour demonstrated.

Good luck!

neonrainbow Sun 27-Mar-16 09:02:26

Good. luck op. Nothing to add apart from an anonymous bit of support. You sound like an amazing stepmum.

ivykaty44 Sun 27-Mar-16 09:06:22

Why would this father want to deny he is the father to the CSA until a DNA test is done?

I would contact the CSA and get sorting the amount that needs to be paid.

Then get paying this amount if money

Then turn up each week at the correct time for pick up.
If dc isn't allowed to come then he comes home. But by turning up each week he is keeping contact.

Get mediation in place

Get solicitor in place

Access for his dc is for dc to see parent, making sure that he always turns up for this access regardless if whether his dc is allowed or not means he is facilitating that contact and in years to come he will be able to say, I always turned up to allow you access to visits.

DarthPrincess Sun 27-Mar-16 09:33:31

When she text saying she had contacted csa the first thing he did was call and give his details so they didn't have to chase him. I disagree with a pp saying dp is 'pathetic' he wants to see his daughter and he doesn't want contact totally stopped so he has to jump thru her hoops as court and mediation can take months. She won't ever give him one night a week without a fight so fight we will do. He's off Wednesday Fri sat the rest are night shifts. She wouldn't allow anyone else to pickup or drop off and she will drag her heels at a week night so we will really and up in court I think.
I think the theory behind people saying deny to the csa Is that she will want that sorted quicker , for access - not so much. He doesn't want to deny he's her father ( one night stand they look nothing alike and it did get mentioned whilst she was pregnant , he didn't see her for the 9 months and then she was a month before she contacted him ) It would break him if she wasn't his.

We haven't heard from her mum but driving through soon ( the set days she wants are Sunday and Thursday which obviously are impossible with work from this week )

Thanks everyone for your help, advice and supprt

Does anyone know if the court will look less favourably because he's asking for set days around work? She puts it as daughter is a priority not work so he should change his shifts and use holidays but he obviously needs to work and can't change shifts as he's a supervisor and has them set. My opinion is that if they where together then it wouldn't matter that would work around it happily , my sons dad has two set days and his three days include them ( one day with paternal grandparents) it's a big worry the court orders days he can't do so he will have to change jobs when he's working his way up the ladder where he's at presently ( which would benefit dsd also)

Zampa Sun 27-Mar-16 10:16:30

In our case, we were advised by CAFCASS (off the record) not to make too much of a fuss about certain days and arrangements. The idea is that you have to make it work and the children come first, regardless.

Is your partner's shift pattern flexible? If it's fixed, I imagine that this could be worked into any order. However, I think that the court would order set days rather than a flexible arrangement (if shift patterns were an unknown quantity). The idea of a contact order is to give the children security and consistency and changing contact days to fit around work would/could be confusing.

if they where together then it wouldn't matter that would work around it happily

The problem is that they're not together so this has to be disregarded.

DarthPrincess Sun 27-Mar-16 12:58:24

Its fixed, it was part of the promotion. She wants it set to Thursday and Sunday ( she goes out on a Saturday so sundays she spends in bed) no overnights. My honest feeling is this isn't practical for school ect either as she doesn't want her home until after 7. A Friday collection from school and home on a Saturday night just seems more practical - no school run on the morning and no late night return before that to worry about. She's not working so it's not an issue of wanting dp to have her so she can work.
The court agreement with My exh states overnights around his shifts. I was more then happy with this as I understood he has to work to as well as I did. We where lucky tho he went to set days which was easier. my son knows every Thursday he goes to daddies and I know where I am fir planning things

I just struggle to see it thru her eyes and understand some of her logic. That's the beauty of mumsnet I know you lot will tell me if I'm being unrealistic and talk sense to me.

Zampa Sun 27-Mar-16 21:30:33

I don't think that you're being unrealistic at all.

wheresthel1ght Mon 28-Mar-16 08:09:50

I agree with not denying he is the father. It will hurt his court case in the long run. But absolutely take her to mediation/court.

Dp's exw is an absolute nightmare too, contact cancelled at short notice, refuses to forward plan for holidays etc. The private arrangement used to be 3 weekends with us and then 3 with her plus every Thursday. This was due to do working shifts on a rolling pattern that means he has 3 weekends off to some degree and then works 3 weekends so meant the kids got lots of time with dad. At mediation she kicked off saying it wasn't fair on her, she wanted a life, her dp doesn't want the kids there when his aren't as they get no adult time (he is rp to his kids). The mediator asked if eow was acceptable which she said yes to buy dp said he would need to discuss with me as there would obviously be some he would have to work as he cannot change his shifts (only one doing his job on shift so no cover). She flipped out and refused to have me look after the kids alone because she "doesn't know her" at which point before dp could say anything the mediator ripped her a new one about not being able to demand a change and then refuse to be flexible. Dp had to work if she wanted everything she was demanding from house/maintenance etc and she could either agree to it or go to court and the judge would look very poorly on her. She declined court although we may have to take her over access.

My point is don't let your dp shy away from it because he is frightened about access being withdrawn. She has already stopped him seeing his baby girl so what more harm can she do? Take her to court/mediation and remember that as long as what he is asking for is fair and reasonable then she will be the one that loses. He isn't asking for anything unreasonable and is actually being incredibly reasonable about it all. I suspect he would be awarded Friday to Sunday eow and then 1 night a week as minimum and provinces you are happy to take her home there is no reason that couldn't be 5pm on Sunday

Bakerandspice Mon 11-Apr-16 23:00:49

Hope everything is working out for you DarthPrincess

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