Stepchildren

[RUSerious1]

Ok cards on the table I hate my Stepdaughter. There I said it!
But it's not her fault it's her Dads, he has allowed her to play him and his ex-wife off against each other to the extent he can't say no to her just encase she tells her Mum and then she uses it against him to make his daughter see him as being selfish etc. So we all hail the amazing StepD when she decides to visit, all bend over and kiss her spoilt little ass! Did I mention I hate her, also did I mention she is 20 years old! I'm not rude or nasty to her but I draw the line in keeping my mouth shut when she wraps him round her little finger, lies, steals, and uses him whenever it suits and never gives anything back. So we argue about her, not in front of her and at this rate we will split up because of her but in my partners eyes it's my fault, I have it in for her and although he admits she is selfish at times, and he says she is his family and I'm not so deal with it. Not looking for advice or guidance just want to reach out to anyone feeling the same, and to have a rant of course!

[Wdigin2this]

Wow, that's full on....but I bet you're not saying anything a lot of SM's haven't at least thought at some point! I think all this DC (particularly DD's) manipulating DF, is down to the fact that, usually it's the father who leaves the family home after a split, and he will feel the guilt of not being in DC's life on a daily basis for ever! So, he DisneyDads his children in an effort to a) make it up to them, and b) ensure they always want to see/stay with him.

The only thing I would say is, and I've thought it a few times myself, how worth it is he...how much do you want him in your life...and what compromises are you prepared to make! If you absolutely can't cope with his DD, you may be better off with another man....because she will always be his Princess!

[Chimpfield]

OP I totally understand how you feel - similar situation for me with a SD of the same age - yes it is partly our DH/DP fault that they don't set boundaries with them as they are Disney Dads, but the ADULT SD has to take some responsibility for the situation too. She is an adult and whilst my DH is happy with our life, she is not and she has every right to voice that - but not to me and not in our home. In my case I disengaged, I don't see her, she doesn't come to our home, we do not discuss her and whilst certainly not ideal, it has ceased the cycle of nasty barbs and horrid behaviour aimed at me by her and ensuing arguments between DH and I.

My thoughts are with you feel free to message me if you want a chat.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

That sounds very difficult. And you might note hate her, you hate the situation you're in.

How often do you see her? Is she working, studying, does she have a partner? What relationship do you have with her and has it got worse or has it always been this way?

Lying and stealing are absolutely not acceptable, not ever but especially not with a grown woman of 20. Does your DP deny it's happening?

Sorry for all the questions. Sorry it's so horrible

I suppose the point is that you don't have to have a relationship with her at all. You're two grown women and if you don't want to spend time together you don't need to. Surely your DP would find that preferable to stress and angst and fighting about it.

[swingofthings]

he says she is his family and I'm not so deal with it
so no compromises then and he clearly says she is more important than you? Isn't time to move on if you hate her so much?

[RUSerious1]

Thank you for all your thoughts and comments, isn't life complicated?
I don't know the answer and feel I am at times unreasonable, but I hate the fact he gave her a key so she visits whenever she wants and just lets herself in, so 2-3 days/nights per week she visits and basically unbalances the household as everyone gravitates to her and I'm jealous that no matter how badly she behaves she still is the centre of attention.
We don't have a relationship unless she wants something for 4 years she has lived with me full time and that's hard when there is nothing in it for me, I get all the shit mum jobs with none of the benefits, those times she saves for her mum, I just get to clean up after her, wash her clothes, cook her food and be a taxi, the reason she moved out is because I got fed up of her refusing to help out around the house and at 20 yrs old I expected more.
But I can't change her I just want her dad to not pander to her and remember how hard it is and has been for me and not put her first all the time.

[Wdigin2this]

Oh dear, that sounds like it's been a really hard road! I dont think I could cope with someone having keys to my home....whom I didn't particularly like, who lies and steals and who manipulates the rest of the household!

But she will probably never see it as your home, it's her dad's and he wants her to feel welcome as and when she pleases, so she has the upper hand. He has made it clear who he prioritises in his life, and it's unlikely he'll change! Are you sure you can live with this, and the fact that this 20 year old will probably always come first in his life?

[RUSerious1]

It's not her dads home it's mine! He doesn't have any rights to the house whatsoever, he doesn't pay towards the up keep of the house or rent, he just pays towards the utility bills. So it's not a question of me leaving, hence why it is upsetting when she gets to come and go whenever and my kids have to ring the door bell to get into their family home!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What on earth is good for you in this relationship? Sounds like it's all working out pretty well for him and you and your children are walking on egg shells when she's there which can't be good for anyone. What's this situation doing to your own family OP?

It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for anyone and you can't have a healthy happy family life with everything revolving around just one person, especially someone who has no respect for the person/people whose house it is, never mind lies, steals and is rude. That's madness.

If his priority is his daughter, yours should be your children. What have you said when he's said she comes first? Would he change his tune and say you're all equally important if you said fine, then go?

I couldn't live how you're living. It sounds miserable. And it doesn't sound like anything's going to change after all this time.

You don't have to end it, but it might be an idea to take a break, have a 6 month separation and see how your DP and his daughter get on on their own for a bit. If he's not contributing to your household I assume he's got substantial savings and could afford to rent somewhere of his own for a bit. See how he feels about putting her first and dealing with all her crap and attitude on his own without you to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and clearing up after them both.

You might miss each other desperately and be able to work together to reunite as a household. It might, on the other hand, be a blessed relief to free yourself and your children of a selfish man and his bratty daughter.

[Finola1step]

I may be missing the point here but how old are your dc? And why don't they have a key?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Good point Finola, I assumed they lived at home but might be wrong. Either way, can't help thinking OP would be happier in her own space without her mooching critical DP.

[ImperialBlether]

Get rid of him and his spoilt daughter. Take their keys off them and give them to your own children. I can't believe you've let her have a key and not let your own children have one.

He's a cocklodger and she needs to show some respect. I'd get rid this weekend.

[RUSerious1]

My kids do have a key they just respectfully ring the bell rather than let themselves in. My kids are in their 20's and have their own houses, so my day to day life doesn't affect them at all.
Sorry I'm new to this so don't know the abbreviations perhaps someone could enlighten me?
I hear what you are all saying and agree with most of it, it's just hard to make the break and no he has no money behind him and no family parents both gone and only child.
I know I should be able to deal with this but for some reason I don't seem able to.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Okay, sorry for a bunch of totally unhelpful assumptions on my part.

What would you miss about your partner that would make it worth carrying on life as it is with this nightmare coming to stay a couple of days a week?

Does your partner work? Why isn't he contributing to your household, where his daughter keeps just showing up?

[HormonalHeap]

It's YOUR house- who's he to decide which adults have a key? If she shows you no respect in YOUR own home, I would tell 'd'p he either asks for her key back and tells her exactly why this is happening, or you'll change the locks and he can ride into the sunset with her.

[DontMindMe1]

OP.....you're being walked all over in your own home by your 'd'p and his spoilt daughter. TAKE BACK CONTROL!

Your dp DOES NOT get to make the rules re giving her keys etc - it is NOT his home and he does NOT contribute. It is NOT her home either - she visits where her dad lives. she should NOT have a key to YOUR home without YOUR permission.

If i were in your shoes i would demand my key back asap and tell the spoilt brat she either uses her manners or stays on the other side of the front door. If she refuses then you simply BAN her from YOUR house.

I've no doubt your dp will huff about this....but all you need to do is remind him whose house it is and who pays for everything. You need to stop pandering to him and treating him like a victim -plenty of us have no money behind us or family and still manage to stand on our own two feet and pay our way in life. When he realises that you're NOT a doormat and you CAN stand up for yourself and you WON'T let him or his daughter take the piss out of you in your own home -then you'll see the real him.

He might even be 'upset' enough to get his own place and provide for himself and his daughter.......

[Wdigin2this]

OMGoodness I assumed you owned the house together, and WHY isn't he contributing more? Absolutely agree with previous posters, why the hell should this girl have a key to YOUR home? I can imagine how difficult it all is, but I think I'd be inclined to show them both the door!

[leamarie2013]

I soooo know where you're coming from! Step kids are 19 and 21 and are driving me crazy! They live with my partner, pay nothing, do nothing, they really are selfish...but if I say anything it's my fault, I have a vendetta against them!

[amarmai]

you have the legal power to deal with this ,op. Will you?

[Pussycat22]

Let them live with each other elsewhere.

[Ontomatopea]

THIS IS A VERY OLD THREAD