AIBU

(47 Posts)
EllieJayJay Wed 09-Mar-16 00:20:46

To ask that people who are not step parents to not comment on the step parent forum.

This should be a place for step-parents to openly discuss their issues and concerns

Hard to do that when parents who have exes for whatever reason come here with their "other woman" mentality

I think the majority of ladies here are good mums and want some help

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 09-Mar-16 00:29:00

Surely it is appropriate for parents of children who have step mums/dads to comment?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 09-Mar-16 00:36:11

OP, it's been asked before. And it's not going to happen.

RudeElf Wed 09-Mar-16 00:36:35

Yes YABU.

hard to do that when parents who have exes for whatever reason come here

So step parents have no exes and are emotionally baggage free?

Anyway you are being very silly.

Many people who are not step parents;

Were step parents
May become step parents
Have step parents
Be married to a step parent
Have children who have step parents.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 09-Mar-16 00:44:50

Why not ask people who aren't mums to not post on mumsnet hmm

lunar1 Wed 09-Mar-16 06:09:46

I suppose you wouldn't want those pesky people who have been step children having an opinion either would you?

Just how tight do you want the rules to be? I'm guessing all those who call themselves step parents but are not married should be out too?

andsoimback Wed 09-Mar-16 06:32:07

What about people who grew up with lots of step brothers and sisters? Your logic is totally flawed.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 06:44:19

Yabu. Everyone can bring something to a discussion.

People may not be step parents. But it doesn't mean they can't help.

They may have advice because they were a step parent, had a close relative who was/is (and could give advice from their experiences), been a step child themseleves etc.

You could say that as the site is called 'mumsnet' only mums should post here. Which would discount any step parent who is either male or females who have not got full custody of their step children.

caravanista Wed 09-Mar-16 06:50:33

Sometimes you need to be outside the situation to have a sense of perspective!

Fuzz01 Wed 09-Mar-16 07:02:52

Surely it adds a different perspective? You cannot have it one sided..i'm not a step parent but my DH is a step dad.

Binders1 Wed 09-Mar-16 09:22:48

RudeElf hit the nail on the head.

Why is your post focused on 'other woman' mentality? Is it because you are one and it's your own issues. Only really ignorant people would automatically assume that a woman who is a step-parent she the OW.

MirandaWest Wed 09-Mar-16 09:30:04

Am I a step parent? Not married to DP yet but will be soon.

But anyway my DC have a step mother. I don't happen to have any issues with her but if I were wanting some advice surely this would be a good place to post. And I might be able to give advice, whether or not I had a step child of my own.

(She incidentally was the OW but I don't see that would be relevant to any step parenting issue)

Heavens2Betsy Wed 09-Mar-16 11:27:01

Why is your post focused on 'other woman' mentality?
Probably because that is the first assumption many people on here make as soon as a Stepmum posts - that they are husband stealing OW who hate their stepchildren.
OP - I wish posters wouldn't project their own situations onto threads or make bold assumptions about all stepmothers in general.

EllieJayJay Wed 09-Mar-16 13:00:55

I wrote this because I had been reading through the comments of other people's posts and the horrible comments from people who are not step parents was quite frankly awful.

I was in a bit of a stretch with my DC and their biological mother (yes she is their biological mother as SHE left them, didn't look back for years hasn't shown up for her court ordered visits for two years, never sent cards etc etc l and I didn't feel like I could say anything without having a huge backlash about how I can't say XYZ and how I can never be their mother because I didn't carry them - they are my children full stop I wanted to talk to people about it and felt I couldn't because of how people treat mums who didn't give birth to their children as the OW. People do indeed make the assumption immediately and think that "mothers" can't do anything wrong Nothing is black and white and i find the comments from some people who are not step parents, who do not understand the full situation repugnant at best.

So my post was somewhat written in frustration and I didn't word it entirely correctly. I am currently going through a very tough time as you can see from my above comment and felt if step-mums and dads could come on here and feel safe to discuss things maybe just maybe it could be much more productive and helpful for the important people in this situation, which I think we will agree is the children.

I am just tired of seeing so much hatred on here when nice people are genuinely looking for help and advise, and sadly individuals and to be fair it is normally mothers who have children who have step mothers project their view, quite aggressively on good StepMums who are trying their bloody hardest. It's not easy it's difficult.

So in answer to one question, Is it appropriate of parents who have children who have step-parents to comment. In my view not if its to put down the OP, if its to help and advise then I think that's a very helpful thing sadly what I have seen this is not the case.

I myself am a child of a mum who remarried, and have had two step parents in my life as my mums second husband and father of my brother was as useless as my father - my Dad (actually stepfather) was a wonderful man I miss him greatly and was a brilliant role model and helped me hugely when I became a "step-parent" I am a mother of two, trying very hard for a third sadly they just won't stay at the moment so comments like "you didn't carry them in your womb" are extremely rude, hurtful and unhelpful. I am no less of a mum because I didn't carry my children, their "mother" never held them when they were sad or helped them with homework or blew out birthday cake candles. I have done all this and much much more that makes me their mother not her.

I personally did not steal my DP (no not married but we live together - which answers another question, also find that being accused of being "the OW" from a poster just goes to show that what people assumed) from the second I met my "step-children" I loved them (the same as with each of my pregnancies the second I had a positive test I loved my babies) my love has change and grown in different ways for them as I watch them grow but I expect this happens to all parents as tiny babies grow into wonderful (mostly) human beings

Anyway, it was a question because I want somewhere for stepmums to feel safe to talk openly and sadly this it would appear is not it

Andsoitbegins88 Wed 09-Mar-16 13:08:36

ellie sorry you're going through such a tough time flowers

I think it's inevitable that this forum will encourage women who are having a tough time with their DC SM as much as it encourages us when we're having a tough time with our SC DM etc - I do see what you're saying though

Some people will always see the worst, don't stop posting and looking for support though. You will get it, it might just be hidden amongst not so supportive posts!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 09-Mar-16 13:15:05

I do have sympathy for your point OP, although I would just want people to take time to read, think, then share an opinion. I don't mind who they are or what their opinion is.

However, it did surprise me a lot that a lot of posts were just mean to SMs, and often were from a mum with an axe to grind about their own separated family situation.

It's probably a reflection of society at large. SMs are already judged before they even voice anything, and are basically expected to suck up all the scapegoating that is laid on them!

Fuzz01 Wed 09-Mar-16 13:18:57

Not all mothers hate the step moms. I don't hate my DS SM. We have no issues at all with one another and have a polite relationship. We don't fight at all think one disagreement in 6 years. I like to think i could add a perspective from my point aview as a mother and why me and the SM have no issues with one another.

EllieJayJay Wed 09-Mar-16 13:54:01

Thanks ladies

As I mentioned in my (gosh it seems so long now) post, it was in response to what I read and honestly agree with Bannanas it seemed like it was all mothers with an axe to grind about their own situation

I just wish mums of all kinds could post without being bullied or ridiculed, some of the posts I've seen really are quite shocking and quite honestly vile.

That said having a scroll through again this morning and having seen posts in the past I do know that sometimes there is a great amount of support.

I often post on the main boards about kids issues (twins at 7 are bloody difficult) and make comments on here.

However this time I just wanted more specific step-mum support ss I'm in such a lonely place at the moment, it's really tough. Maybe I will be brave and post something more about my situation at some point.

So to comfirm I wrote the original post because I just felt very disheartened by how much people assume on the step parenting forum and actually how people with rather nasty or aggressive screen names are just so vile towards other people and no it's not all mums, of course it's not - step mums just seem to have to explain everything in every tiny detail or risk being yelled at, I even find myself doing it now...

Seems very unnecessary to me, just wish that if people don't have anything nice to say when people are asking for help that they didn't say anything at all and if they are unsure about something to ask the question not just assume

Binders1 Wed 09-Mar-16 14:10:51

"which answers another question, also find that being accused of being "the OW" from a poster just goes to show that what people assumed)*

Ellie - I guess that was for me? I wasn't really accusing you of being the OW. I also said in the same post Only really ignorant people would automatically assume that a woman who is a step-parent she the OW.

The point I was perhaps poorly making was that putting an emphasis on an OW on a step parenting board can take the focus away what a step parent really is and the hard job they have.

A good mum or dad doesn't have to be a biological parent. It sounds like you are going through a tough time. You sound a lovely mum/biological or not! flowers

I hope you feel safe to post on whatever issue you have and get support.

EllieJayJay Wed 09-Mar-16 14:45:52

I apologise I've re-read your post, I just saw the comment and felt frustrated I had it all the time in the real world in the beginning - I must have been the OW to have "step"
Children and so bad was I, that I must have driven the mother away because how could a mother abandon her children - it's something I will never get my head around either if I'm completely honest, but it was very frustrating and quite hurtful as I didn't steal him or his children..

lookluv Wed 09-Mar-16 17:40:38

For a while i was not a step mum and my children had one and she was the OW.

It is was and will forever be an awful situation for my DCs because of her actions and continued actions. Coming on here showed me another side, showed me there are some genuinely lovely people who are trying hard and sometimes actions get misinterpreted, there are also some bloody awful intolerant downright nasty people , do exactly what my DCs SM did does and will always do.

I do not assume every SM is the OW, but there are undoubtedly a few more around and they do not admit it, then try to make out the EX is the issue. No respect for them or their opinions. It really does not matter if the new relationship goes onto work or not.

I am now v recently an SM - I have learnt alot from this forum. some things I agree with, others I do not - that is life. However, it has given me some tips on how to start and manage my step life.

WSM123 Wed 09-Mar-16 18:47:19

You will soon learn which nasty bi****s to just ignore

Sneeziemcweezie Wed 09-Mar-16 20:20:57

I know what you mean Ellie. Sometimes you just need a place to vent, to hurt, to feel supported and feel safe. Sadly this board does often feel like a place for people just to bash other people for the sake of it.That's particularly tough when you are having a really hard time and need support.
I've completely bottled out of starting a thread on here as I just couldn't cope with some of the assumptions and comments people could make - at a time when you need help and support the last thing you need is people being horrible.
I'm in a similar (ish) situation to you - my DSCs are with me full time as their mother chose to leave them. As a mother myself I find that absolutely impossible to comprehend. That has at least has given me an insight into why other people can so easily make the assumption that the SM in a situation like this was the OW and broke the family up - I think it upsets something deep down inside us to imagine a woman leaving her kids. I certainly find the reaction people have to her having left her kids is always far more extreme than to the fact my ex left my DD when she was a similar age.
Have you tried counselling? I know it's not the same as a group of friends supporting you, but it can be really helpful. I'm going through that now to tackle my ongoing depression and it's helping me realise (slowly) that I need to be much more caring of myself and give myself a break a lot more - after all I'm looking after two family's worth of kids!

EllieJayJay Thu 10-Mar-16 21:32:34

Thank you ladies for posting

Lookluv - I'm so sorry that must have been awful, I do understand there are some very nasty people out there, and I'm truly sorry for your situatiom I just hate that people seem to assume so much. My DP has said it had it too when their mother left, people would at first pity him as his "wife" must have died then turn on him as a terrible man stealing his children! It took a long time for people to realise she had in fact just up and left and that actually he was doing what any good parent would do - part if the reason I fell in love with him is that he is so good with his children, such a kind wonderful man.

WSM - yup I'm getting that smile I was horrified by some of the attacks and saw messages from what seemed like a lovely lady trying to do her best and then she just tried and failed to defend herself... So will if I get brave enough to post take this into account. I guess if "nice" step mums don't post we won't change the perception here so will at some point give it a good.

Sneezie - it's really a very tough thing to get your head around, I look at them and can't understand it at all! Yet when my father left no-one really batted an eyelid either - it's just so bloody hard at times!

I think the idea of counselling might actually be good for me, my DP suggested it we're going through a tough time at the minute, our family unit is very strong - were very happy as a little family but I have suffered a lot of personal loss recently and I think it's time to bite the bullet and try it.

And your situation must be wildly more complicated than mine! I didn't have my own peanuts when we mingled (well my cat - but very uncomplicated little soul) it's good to hear you have found it has helped you, I've always been unsure but maybe a safe place to vent as we move into more complications will help me and ultimately the rest of the family

Thanks again

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 11-Mar-16 00:18:15

Don't be put off posting. I have felt taken the wrong way here but in a strange way it's teaching me to fight my corner and also reflect on whether I do need to do things differently. Helps with the reality of being an SM! Which is having to be emotionally tough. cake

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