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advice needed regarding step sons mum

(42 Posts)
ddeemummy Mon 29-Feb-16 16:15:45

Hello. I posted regarding a situation on the relationship boards a couple week ago. Just come across this board and has things are still no better thought maybe some other step mums on my position.

Basically my step son is 9 (in year 4). I have been with his father since before he was born (bit complicated but I wasnt the other woman). Since we had our eldest together who is almost 8 step son has stayed with us every second weekend and more in holidaya. It wasnt until I was pregnant with ds his mum agreed to let him start staying with us regually - she realised we were serious I think. Before she was always really awkward with him eg can only see son if I wasnt around things like that.

Im first to admit I dont think husband has the same bond with ss has he does with our children something that he is working on. So couple weeks ago it came to light that ss wasnt happy he would tell his mum he wasnt happy when he comes to us and then say same about his mum. Obviously he is feeling quite left out he has 3 younger half siblings in one house and then another 2 in another house.

His mum doesnt seem to be very maternal with him at all, she doesnt seem to be pleased to have him home or anything. He was saying shes shouting at everyone all time. We were discussing him coming to stay with us on a permanent basis but not sure how to approach her.

We are already having him first week of Easter holidays but im guessing if other holidays are anything to go by he will be here longer.

I just feel sometimes that she takes mick, she knows We have 2 kids with additional needs. For example during holidays he asked to cut maintenance as he was with us and we were strugglig to go places with 4 kids and yes she agreed but then did nothing but pester for this and that. School pants for example he is actually same size as my son and had a couple of spare pairs but she wasnt happy with that said they didnt fit when he tried them on here and they did. It is just silly petty things like that.

Loads more has gone on all very petty, but trying to over rose it for ss. You can tell hes not happy at all im not saying its all down to mother, i appreciate his lifestyle is chaotic compared to out own children.

Any advice?

lookluv Mon 29-Feb-16 22:04:20

Sorry it is not petty to expect the father of you child to pay maintenance at the agreed rate for the year. It is budgetted on ONs and time.

To ask for reductions, because he is looking after them and she agreed - bigger woman that I would have been - to someone who shacked up with the father of her child, either when she was pregnant or just after and also had a baby = to criticise her is fairly ballsy. If you were not technically the OW, then he had another affair before you - class act!

LogicalThinking Mon 29-Feb-16 22:31:55

So you are criticising her for not having a maternal bond but admit that his dad doesn't have much of a bond with him.

You shouldn't have asked for a reduction because you had him during the holidays.

Lots of kids say they get shouted at by their parents, doesn't always give you an accurate picture of what is going on at his mum's.

Fuzz01 Mon 29-Feb-16 22:33:37

Given the age of your DS. The only woman must of been pregnant or had her baby. I dont understand how a woman can be with a man whos got another woman pregnant let alone then get pregnant after quick time period. Sounds like your DP lacks the sense to use contraception. I agree with previous PP. Your DP admitted to struggling to form a relationship and feels lost equally with you and your DP as he feels the same at his DM. Also you cut maintence but think you can give your dc old clothes. I would be pissed too. Put your hand in your pocket and buy the child new trousers. I bet your DS doesn't get hand me downs. You have no right to start demanding full custody. I sense theres some hidden agenda. Going out places is seperate to maintence which i believe is the driving force behind all of this.

Fuzz01 Mon 29-Feb-16 22:36:55

Also ineffect because he has half siblings on either side he might feel abit sidelined. Don't be fooled in thinking he doesn't judge you and your DP to his DM. My DS was complaining about his SM niece always been round and not getting full attention off his dad. I take it with a pinch of salt.

MissWimpyDimple Mon 29-Feb-16 22:43:57

I too fail to see a scenario where it is in any way acceptable to be with a man who has recently got another woman pregnant.

The poor kid must feel like a real mistake and nuisance to you all.

sandgrown Mon 29-Feb-16 22:45:58

I had a maintenance court order that stated ex should not have maintenance when he took the kids on holiday. Strangely he did not have to pay double when he did not have them because he was away with his girlfriend!

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 16:21:16

Hi. Im not sure if its possible to find a link or whatever but my original post on the other board but the bigger picture is on that.

Ive asked for genuine advice here alot of things have gone on over the years and if I spoke about them all on here it would be pages long.

After advice on the other post myself and Dh have been thinking about the advice given. We are trying to do whats best for ss here. We are very aware hes got the wrong end of the deal in life.

I love him and take care of him same as I do my own children when hes here. If it wasnt for me he would never get out an day trips or anything. He never gets left out of anything family wise! I appreciate that is not be all and end all.

I have always tried not to slag her off despite all the crap ive had off her and her ex over the years. Whenever we seem to settle our differences she finds something else to pick faults with. I have tried putting myself in her shoes and can understand if things were other way round. I do appreciate i have come across as been a bit bitter towards her.

perhaps us having him full time wouldnt be best idea but we just want to make him happy. Hes told his grandma how unhappy he is, and apparently having problems at school. Another thing Dh isnt happy with, he is never made aware of any parents evenings or things like that. Last time Dh collected him from school he had to wait until school had contacted mother to check it was ok ( quite rightly so) but school were under the impression his mums partner was his dad. Hes been to 1 school nativity in all this time and that was only because step son really wanted him there other wise he wouldnt of known. Another example ss said school were doing a fathers activity club but his mum just threw letter away.

DH is not perfect I am fully aware of that but he is trying to be involved. He hasnt got the same bond he has with our children and it is really sad. Not all his doing, he didnt even know he had been born until he was 2 days old and then he was having to fight to see him. If she had it her way he wouldnt even be on birth certificate she admitted she only let him so it be easier to get child maintenance.

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 16:32:01

To those questioning why I would of gone near a man with a child on way. We did nothing wrong no affairs took place, we are about to celebrate 10 years together in a couple of months. We have worked hard and even seperated just after ss was born for a while. I cant believe im justifying myself tbh. I didnt even know about the pregnancy straight away.

And regards to the trousers, they had never been warn not sure what sort of person you think I am. I thought i was been helpful at the time

Fuzz01 Tue 01-Mar-16 16:48:31

I think your the driving force by everything and need to take a step back. Let your DH fight his battles with his ex its not your place. Of course people will have a low opinion when you get with a man whos got someone else then get pregnant yourself. Its quite shameful. Be different if you started a relationship then after approiate amount of time had a child.

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 16:59:54

I understand it looks shameful to some people but Im not going to appologise for falling in love or appoloise for what happened 10 years ago. Its easy to give the guy stick but it takes 2 to make a baby.

I have tried taking a back seat but its always me she txts for arrangements as much as I hate her having my number .

Fuzz01 Tue 01-Mar-16 17:13:55

Your dh had two DC 9month of each other. If yous had anything about yourselves the first child in question would of took priority and not brought another baby into the mix. Your admit that your DH has not got the same level of relationship with his first DS as he has his other sons. The first baby should of priority and a firm relationship established. Its easy for you to tear a part the mom but you got to hold your hands up especially when things aren't perfect on your side either.

LogicalThinking Tue 01-Mar-16 17:23:13

If he has parental responsibility, he can get information directly from school.
If he is in year 4 and has missed everything apart from 1 Nativity play, I question how much effort he has actually put in! A lot of schools have important dates and newsletters available on their website.

Please don't just assume that him being unhappy is his mum's fault, it could be a whole load of other things, including the difficult relationship he has with his dad and the lack of interest his dad takes in his life.

Runner05 Tue 01-Mar-16 17:24:22

I don't really have any advice for you. It's a really awkward situation. Maybe you should focus your attention more on you and DH asking your SS what would make him happy? He's old enough to know his own mind and if you speak to him as if he's an adult and don't encourage him to tell tails you might find that he has knows what he wants.

I also just want to say that I think you're getting a very hard time about your early relationship with your DH. If you were both single when you met then it's irrelevant when he separated from his ex or that she was pregnant. People make mistakes, people split up, it just happens and if you happen to find someone who makes you happy after a period of unhappiness you tend not to worry too much about whether people will think you're leaving an appropriate amount of time or not.

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 17:26:45

Fuzz sorry i appreciate you are offering your opinion but you keep jumping to conclusions. Not that it matters ive never said my son is 9 months younger than step son. Step son was born sept 2006 and my son april 2008. We had lived together as a couple since march 2007 after getting together may 2006. Hope that settles some confusion.

Fuzz01 Tue 01-Mar-16 17:31:52

My ex had a half sibling close in age he always felt an outsider and never apart of the family. He had many dark days, self harmed and sucidial thoughts. He felt replaced by his father as he was much closer to his half brother. So i speak being close to someone in a similar situation.

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 17:39:48

Thanks. Im not sure its ever crossed his mind about looking online, Im not sure it would go down well though turning up with no ticket. Im not just sticking up for Dh here but there are certain things he has tried to do and shes not let him everythig has been on her terms and if hes kicked a fuss her ex would then start. If he hadnt of got a solicitor I dont think the fortnightly visits would of even got off.

Im trying not to bitch about her and we dont say anything infront of ss but she has made our lives hard especially the first couple years I was with dh. She has used her son as a weapon over and over

Yes hes asked him what he wants and he said hes just fed up he doesnt get any peace. He doesnt like his mums bf either hes told his grandma but husband hasnt pushed him on that.

ddeemummy Tue 01-Mar-16 17:46:38

Fuzz - im sorry to hear that. Part of reason im asking advice is because we want whats best for ss. We dont want him feeling any sort of rejection. I know it maybe a bit too late but we have just been plodding on with our eyes shut and wasnt until recently ss has been showing signs of been unhappy that its made us worry.

I know some might say its none of my business and leave them to it, but its me doing moat of the daytime care when hes here, me taking him out etc so I do think it involves me.

Me and the mother are never going to be best friends but I do want to be on good terms with her, just everytime we get somewhere she will do or say something else.

lookluv Tue 01-Mar-16 18:59:35

Sorry what you and this poor kids father did 10 yrs ago was pretty shoddy.

I would, if I was the mother feel fairly badly towards you for ever.

That the relationship has lasted 10 yrs is bloody fantastic , for everyone except his first son. In 9 yrs he has not developed a bond with his son - then he needs to pull his finger out and sort it. He is responsible for that - he has had access and wasted that time, to make that child feel special.

All the parents in this scenario, are bloody irresponsible.

No one is asking you to apologise for falling in love with a selfish dick, who has failed his son for the last 9 yrs. His relationship which only he is responsible for developing.

Fuzz01 Tue 01-Mar-16 19:26:02

You will never be on the best terms with the mother if you insist on trying to gainfull custody. He has always been in his mothers care. So thats the only stabilitity he has ever known. Its not about how many days out and trips out. Its about being there.

ddeemummy Wed 02-Mar-16 08:28:09

I know fuzz, just wish things were more civil. I dont think him living here full time would work anyway for school reasons if nothing else.

Im not the wicked step mum I think you all think I am I do care. Hes not happy hes said as much and its obvious to look at him.

The last post put things into perspective for me I have discussed all the responses with husband and hes agreed he needs to work on his bond. Hes not a bad dad He just needs to give son a bit more attention and get to know him.

VioletVaccine Wed 02-Mar-16 13:10:47

Do you mean, maybe I'm confused (not hard), that you met DP when he was single, but his ex was pregnant with his DsS?

VioletVaccine Wed 02-Mar-16 13:12:01

DH sorry

ddeemummy Wed 02-Mar-16 14:34:43

Yes he was single I would of walked away other wise. They were not even in a proper relationship they had dated a few months a while before didnt work out but had been odd times they had met up as friends with bebefits. When we met he wasnt even sure if he wasnt even fully convinved he was dad. Her excuse for not wanting him round and his excuse for not forming a proper bond

Fuzz01 Wed 02-Mar-16 16:45:31

Regardless if they weren't in a proper relationship he still got her pregnant. Thats no excuse. Firstly i don't think your an awful SM but i disagree with is putting so much blame on the mother when your DH never forged a bond with his DS. I think all parties are most likely guilty here. I'm guessing your DSS feels he doesn't quite fit in either families if either siblings on each side are all full sibling leaving him being the odd one out.

I think the main focus should be your DH reconnecting with his DS doing an hobby or interest together just the two of them aswell as family time as a group.

Definately don't mess with maintence payments in the future just so you can afford extra days out this is unacceptable.

Maintence is to cover his living costs. We don't go out on days out due to the expense but theres plenty free places to go parks, walks, seaside. I grew up where trips out were a treat not to be expected. My ex takes DS out every week which is a personal choice but it doesnt make them a better parent. So i do think attacking her for not providing trips out is unfair.

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