Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

My husband seems to have cared more about his life before baby and me.

(35 Posts)
Evie37 Fri 26-Feb-16 14:06:25

My husband and I have a baby on the way (5 months) and we have sd on Saturdays.
My hubby was with his ex for 3 years on and off before he met me, and had his daughter after about 2 years with her. Before she got pregnant he wasn't anything special (a druggy and alcoholic, but he was young) but as soon as she got pregnant he shaped up, quit all substances, got them a child friendly house, had a few different jobs but was still consitently employed and became an amazing dad, which is all great.
I've been with my husband for 8 months, married for 3 (quick i know, it's just how it happened) and he had not been employed at all this entire time. We lived in a tiny, cramped apartment with a housemate and court was coming up for sd and we feared it would go badly without a better house. Hubby made no effort to get a house and we only have one now because i found one and organised everything, yet he easily got a few different houses for his ex every time she wanted to move.
I have single handedly paid for sds cot and car seat and spilt the cost of everything else for her because i love her.
We are literally poor and hubby won't get a job or even try, even though he was happily employed for his life with his ex.
I do chores but sometimes get very tired due to being 5 months pregnant and the house is so awful there are literally dishes covered with mold because hubby won't help me. But no way did he live like that with his ex, she just wouldn't have allowed it.
When hubby was with his ex they were even briefly engaged and what they had planned was far more extravagant than what we had (more money i guess).
I've been there for every court date, ever lawyer's appointment, EVERYTHING.
I know i shouldn't "compare" myself to his ex, but honestly he went to the moon and back for her, or maybe it was all for his daughter like he says (which would be great). But if that's true, why won't he for our girl...
Just tired of hurting.

stumblymonkey Fri 26-Feb-16 14:33:50

I will think of something a bit more supportive to say in a second but....why did you get pregnant with, and marry, him?

He's been unemployed the whole time for example....you chose to have a family and marry him so presumably that wasn't an issue then?

I sort of feel that you've made your bed and now you're lying in it....you chose him and chose to settle down with him so quickly after all....

stitchglitched Fri 26-Feb-16 18:09:11

He clearly isn't 'going to the moon and back' for his daughter though. He hasn't got a job so presumably won't be providing any meaningful financial support to his ex. He made no effort to sort out appropriate housing for her to visit, and you have had to buy all her essentials. He sounds like a waste of space and you foolishly rushed into marriage and a baby. You need to prepared for the fact that you will only be able to rely on yourself to provide for your child, much like his ex has to.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 26-Feb-16 18:22:35

You aren't being supported and you need to put yourself and your baby first. Separate now and don't put up with being second best to anyone. His Ex wouldn't put up with that and nor should you.

Owllady Fri 26-Feb-16 18:25:40

It's you who is doing everything for his daughter, jot him.
What is using? Lazy not wanting work, unmotivated suggests some sort of substance abuse given the history

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 26-Feb-16 18:28:01

It sounds tough OP, but you answered your own question in your post. The reason he stepped up before and not now: she just wouldn't have allowed it.

His ex didn't stand for him being a lay about and you shouldn't either.

CremeBrulee Fri 26-Feb-16 18:32:07

So:
- your SD is still young enough to need a car seat & a cot?
- you've been with him 8 months during which time he's not been employed?
- during this same stood he hasn't had suitable accommodation to enable him to care for his child?

I fail to see how you can describe him as a great father to your SD when he's been a deadbeat dad for at least the last 8 months of her shirt life.

What possessed you to marry him & get pregnant?

BitchPeas Fri 26-Feb-16 18:38:06

How old is DSD?

Could you leave and go to family? Tell him to shape up or ship the fuck out.

RudeElf Fri 26-Feb-16 18:46:00

I've been with my husband for 8 months, married for 3 (quick i know, it's just how it happened) and he had not been employed at all this entire time

Yet you created a child with and married him? hmm

PatriciaHolm Fri 26-Feb-16 18:46:19

So you were together for 3 months before getting pregnant, married 2 months later?

You don't know the bloke at all. I suspect what are you seeing now is the feel him, not the face he put on for you at the beginning, not the fantasy dad he's telling you he was.

swingofthings Fri 26-Feb-16 19:00:25

But no way did he live like that with his ex, she just wouldn't have allowed it.
Well here you go.... Maybe it is time you stopped allowing it all!

ClarenceTheLion Fri 26-Feb-16 20:12:12

Good luck with your new child, and your stepchild... and your manchild. You're going to need it.

And no, he wasn't a different man before. He was just nagged into doing things. You don't nag as much, he doesn't do as much. Not a great catch is he?

suspiciousofgoldfish Fri 26-Feb-16 22:02:56

There is absolutely no point to him being around. He is more work than help and he offers no support. He's lazy. He's skint. He's selfish. That's a hat trick of shiteness. Come on OP, you know what to do.

lulucappuccino Fri 26-Feb-16 22:06:54

How old is dsd?

Sunshine87 Fri 26-Feb-16 22:17:30

Wow he has no redeming qualities. Why would met a man who has no job a small baby to someone else and you pregnant and marry him so quickly?You don't fully know someone in that amount of time. Theres a reason him and the ex aren't together hes a waste of space. I'm afraid OP you've made your bed its up to you i you lie in it. If i was you i would walk away.

Thisismyfirsttime Fri 26-Feb-16 22:26:30

How do you know he did all this for his ex? He told you? Because he's doing nothing now and they're exes, perhaps he's been a bit light on the truth with you. You're paying for all these things for dsc and he's an amazing dad? How does he pay maintenance with no job? I think you've been suckered in and you need to think how you're going to support your child because you may be waiting a long long time for him to step up.

Peanuts2000 Fri 26-Feb-16 22:53:13

I don't know what age you are but you maybe seem to have a low opinion of yourself to put up with this rubbish. You say he was an alcoholic and druggie, he is not interested in getting a job and is happy for you to pay for a lot for HIS child. I take it this is your first child, how supportive is he going to be when the baby comes, having a new baby is one of the most stressful things you will ever go through, he sounds like a waste of space, get rid.

Wdigin2this Sat 27-Feb-16 10:02:43

Oh dear....here it is again, the same old story!
Your DH is happy to laze around while you struggle to provide for the two of you AND his child! How much more will it take for you to wake up to the truth....he is using you for the fool you have been! Why did you marry and get pregnant with a useless lump that you know to be a drug user and alcoholic? Why are you living in poverty whilst he does nothing to help? Why are you even bothering to ask for advice, when it's staring you in the face! Get rid of this excuse for a man, and make something of your life, for you and your child....now before its too late!!!!!

QueenLaBeefah Sat 27-Feb-16 10:09:44

Financially you would be much better off without him.

He showed you who he really is (lazy and selfish) but you chose to see something completely different

almostthirty Sat 27-Feb-16 10:09:59

He is his ex's ex for a reason.

cbigs Sat 27-Feb-16 10:14:51

This is a really tough situation op I'm sorry it's so hard .
Sounds like you are a fantastic step mum and that's not easy. I guess the point is if you want it to change you have to do something different . You can't wait for him to change. Maybe that is staying with your mum or a friend or something to show you want something different ?
Have you told him how you feel?

AyeAmarok Sat 27-Feb-16 10:20:19

OK, you've made a massive mistake getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get a job, then you got pregnant, then you got married. All stupid mistakes and you'll learn from them, unfortunately you learn the hard way.

You need to walk away and leave this relationship. You will be so much better without being chain to this deadweight. You need to put you and your child first.

I know it sounds scary and you don't want to be a single parent, but you already are one sad You're best to accept that and make the best of it than continue to let yourself, and your baby, be treated like shit on his shoe.

AyeAmarok Sat 27-Feb-16 10:20:23

OK, you've made a massive mistake getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get a job, then you got pregnant, then you got married. All stupid mistakes and you'll learn from them, unfortunately you learn the hard way.

You need to walk away and leave this relationship. You will be so much better without being chain to this deadweight. You need to put you and your child first.

I know it sounds scary and you don't want to be a single parent, but you already are one sad You're best to accept that and make the best of it than continue to let yourself, and your baby, be treated like shit on his shoe.

AyeAmarok Sat 27-Feb-16 10:20:34

OK, you've made a massive mistake getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get a job, then you got pregnant, then you got married. All stupid mistakes and you'll learn from them, unfortunately you learn the hard way.

You need to walk away and leave this relationship. You will be so much better without being chain to this deadweight. You need to put you and your child first.

I know it sounds scary and you don't want to be a single parent, but you already are one sad You're best to accept that and make the best of it than continue to let yourself, and your baby, be treated like shit on his shoe.

Branleuse Sat 27-Feb-16 10:23:09

you are a rebound girlfriend and for some reason you got married.

Youve both been stupid to marry each other

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now