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Still have no say in my own home regarding SD

(96 Posts)
pepperminttree Thu 25-Feb-16 03:25:37

After 15 years of SD and exW dramas I'm still left stressed out about arrangements being made without my knowledge.

My SD is 19 now and will come over when ever she likes and we don't know weather she is staying or going. My DH does not even bother to ask her if she's staying over or not and then I will get sprung by her response when I ask her if she's sleeping over she will tell me she's staying for X amount of nights etc.

My DH is very delicate with her and won't ask her anything, so I said to her next time you come can you let your dad know your plans and how long your staying for. (He got angry with me, thinking she might think she is not welcome here by me) I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week because her and her mum have moved really far from the city. ( I might add here that she has only stayed over a hand full of times the past few years before they moved )

So anyway she has started a new job and because she lives with her mum far away she will be staying at our place for 2 nights in the middle of the week, every week! because she will finish in the evening those nights and does not want to catch the train home.

This is bothering me and stressing me out as we have 2 kids still in school and I think this is disruptive. She is 19! and her mum and her deciding to move an hour away from the city knowing right well she will have planned to find a job there.

I feel like I have no say in my home and my DH doesn't see my points of views regarding his daughter, ever. This is putting a strain on our relationship.

Stressed out! would like to hear thoughts on this.

YourLittlePlantPot Thu 25-Feb-16 03:33:29

I'm afraid I don't think you're being very fair to her. It's either her home or it's not.

Honestly if your child gets to 18 and goes to uni are you going to be annoyed that they stay 2 nights a week in their home? Or will you be welcoming and glad to see them?

shiteforbrains Thu 25-Feb-16 03:50:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

G1raffe Thu 25-Feb-16 03:50:17

Isn't that quite reasonable! When your own children are that age won't you want to welcome them there when they want to come? Or if they were working near by.

anklebitersmum Thu 25-Feb-16 04:08:53

As someone who's fought alongside her DH to ensure that he retained the right to even see his DS ,my DSS, I don't understand what the problem is.

Is she taking one of the other DC's bed or playing loud music late at night or something that I'm missing because if she isn't I think you need to look inwards.

I also think it's very sad that you can't just talk to her about whatever it is she's doing that's annoying you without your DH-especially after 15 years!

MattDillonsPants Thu 25-Feb-16 04:19:10

She is your DHs daughter! YABVU! 19 is no age and she should be able to come and go freely.

mathanxiety Thu 25-Feb-16 04:25:03

YABU.

Ask her to tell you directly if she has plans to stay over (which she is entitled to have since her dad lives there, in his own house). Explain you need to get food in, bedding washed, whatever.

Don't drag her dad into this. You are the only one with an issue here.

She is 19! her mum and her deciding to move an hour away from the city knowing right well she will have planned to find a job there.
This is ridiculous.
How do you know where she applied for jobs? How could she have known which job application would be successful? You are scraping the bottom of the barrel here. And it is most unlikely she had much say over where her mum moved.

How can you be sure it will be disruptive for your two young children? She has only stayed over a few times over the course of her teen years. Of course she used her dad's home (where she really should feel welcomed by her dad and you) as a stepping stone when she visited. She was a teenager. Should she have stayed home knitting? Now that she is 19 and has a job she will most likely not do whatever stepping stone stuff got your goat before.

redskirt3 Thu 25-Feb-16 05:01:47

I think treat her like an adult now. Say directly to her to please let you know when she will be staying so that you know when to expect her, and can make sure you have enough food for dinner etc. I imagine that I would ask this of my biological kids when they're that age. I certainly wouldn't be happy with my own kids just rocking up to stay with no warning if they lived away from home I don't think.

redskirt3 Thu 25-Feb-16 05:04:19

Actually I do have step kids around that age but they've never had access arrangements as were older when their parents separated, but they would never presume that's OK and neither would their dad, it would always be run past me first.

Lovemylittlebears Thu 25-Feb-16 05:07:14

Id be more than happy for my kids to rock up at anytime and would always want them to feel welcome and not to feel like they are asking permission to visit. I'd want dh daughter to feel the same. Family is so important. However if I was the type of person to want to know in advance when my own children were coming home then would expect same from step child. I'd treat them all the same.

HomeMeasurements Thu 25-Feb-16 05:58:06

YABU

RapidlyOscillating Thu 25-Feb-16 06:31:25

Agree with all of the above and have an almost identical family set up during uni hols. Although as a step daughter myself, I have found that mmaking arrangements directly with my step mother has exponentially improved our relationship.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Thu 25-Feb-16 06:43:02

It sounds as though her dad is regarding it as her (second) home- so at that age she can come and go as she likes (within reason, e.g. not waking everyone up if she comes home late).

You are regarding her as a guest- needing to give notice, say how long she is planning to stay, not staying there as a 'stepping stone' to see friends.

I actually think the former arrangement is more typical. Most step families I know give the step children their own room and it is also their house, rather than being a guest.

Thegreenhen1 Thu 25-Feb-16 07:14:28

I think that all the people who are saying it's her home, are missing the point that she has a home elsewhere!

When you're children only have one home and nowhere else to go, then of course you won't say "no". Even in that situation, you'd expect to be consulted though, so you know what's going on.

I'd feel very annoyed at having had very little contact to 2 nights a week because mum hadn't considered her living st home daughters welfare.

Mum makes a bad decision, step mum gets blasted for being unreasonable.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Feb-16 07:24:18

You are being spiteful because she is not your child.

He is her father and she has two homes. No it is not disruptive to the others if she stays over.

What do you think your Dc will be doing around her age? Probably something similar.

Your problem is a small one compared to the others on here so be thankful and look at the positives in that it's only two nights per week

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Feb-16 07:26:32

No children of split parents have two homes!

Not by their choice, she obviously needs to stay there but clearly prefers to stay at her mothers (wonder why) but her job location is preventing that

NerrSnerr Thu 25-Feb-16 07:26:47

When your children are 19 will you allow them to live at your house? It sounds like you're being very unfair to her.

Unicorncatsack Thu 25-Feb-16 07:31:18

Sorry yabu. Step parents usually get a hard deal on MN but in this instance what you're complaining about is a total non issue in afraid.

It sounds to me like you don't want her around at all which is unreasonable as she is your h's daughter. Unless there is a massive back story which there doesn't seem to be.

lunar1 Thu 25-Feb-16 07:31:56

So you don't want her at all?

Wdigin2this Thu 25-Feb-16 08:51:13

I'm sorry you're getting such a bashing on here Pepper, but I think you were on a hiding to nothing from the start! I've never had my DSC living with me and DH, because they were all grown when we met, and if I'm entirely honest, I wouldn't appreciate any of them turning up to stay, unannounced as and when! It's very rare any of our DC stay over, more likely to be DGC these days, but still it has to be planned because we lead busy lives and travel a lot! However, your DSD is only 19 and it appears it's more convenient for her to stay at yours during the week, I sense that this is not how you want your family life to be, (which I actually understand) but she is your DH's daughter and he wants her to feel welcome in his home! Put the boot on the other foot, imagine it was your 19 yo child....would you be upset if you sensed your DH didn't really want them there?! You're going to have to grit your teeth and smile your way through this, but it's not unreasonable to expect her to let you know her plans each week, just so you can ensure her bed is changed and that you can cater accordingly!
Keep thinking it's not for ever...everything, good or bad, changes eventually!

Petal02 Thu 25-Feb-16 11:05:55

To all the people who are saying it’s her home, you are missing the point that she has a home elsewhere

Exactly. Most children in separated families have a ‘main’ residence, and then they visit the NRP. It might be a nicety to say they have two homes, but this isn’t really the case. Obviously in the case of a proper 50/50 split that’s different, but that’s not the case here.

If you take the emotive term ‘step child’ out of the equation, and pretend (just for a minute) that it’s a brother/sister/colleague/cousin who suddenly want to come and go, and stay 2 nights mid-week and/or generally use your home on an ad hoc basis, then of course this would be deemed unreasonable and disruptive!

OP – YANBU.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Thu 25-Feb-16 11:11:22

Stressed because your husbands child wants to stay 2 nights a week?!confused

I don't understand how this could possibly be "disruptive" to your children, I think what you actually mean is you don't like her being there, and the kids are a pathetic convenient excuse.

SoupDragon Thu 25-Feb-16 11:15:33

Mum makes a bad decision, step mum gets blasted for being unreasonable.

Or you could flip it round and see it as the mother and daughter being blamed.

How is 2 nights a week disruptive for your other children?

SoupDragon Thu 25-Feb-16 11:18:42

If you take the emotive term ‘step child’ out of the equation, and pretend (just for a minute) that it’s a brother/sister/colleague/cousin who suddenly want to come and go, and stay 2 nights mid-week and/or generally use your home on an ad hoc basis, then of course this would be deemed unreasonable and disruptive!

Except that none of those people are the actual child of the person living in the house. She isn't some random family member or aquaintance, her father lives there.

I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week

TBH, that's pretty much how an older teenager treats a home.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Thu 25-Feb-16 11:22:28

Exactly soup ! The OP'S children will be just the same when they are teens.

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