Visting during recovery(79 Posts)
I have 2 dsc, we would usually have them every other weekend, they live a 6 hour round trip away, so can't just have them for the evening etc.
My DP has just had major surgery, he is home now recovering but is unable to walk, we have a ds together. I am finding it quite difficult at the moment coping with everything, as usually my dp would get ds ready and take him to nursery, obviously at the moment I am doing this, plus working full time, plus doing everything for DP, and doing all the household stuff, washing, cooking etc. and looking after DS, who is not a great sleeper. So at the moment I am averaging 4 hours sleep a night.
Before my DP went in for surgery he spoke to dsc and his ex to say that he wouldn't be able to have them for a couple of weeks as would be in hospital.
However the ex and my dsil have organised for the dsc to come and stay next weekend which my dp is fine about but I'm not. I usually don't get involved in contact, have never said no, as they come for longer etc. over holidays, I only ask dp tells me what he's arranged.
However I have said that having another two people to look after and clear up after is too much, I am struggling with two, doubling the numbers is going to horrendous. They do nothing when they are here, dp doesn't pull them up on this and will just do it for them, DSS tends to quite rude to me also, which is something we're working on but is frankly something at the moment with everything else I can do without.
I have said that if possible would they mind coming for the day, I am happy to pick them up in the morning, early and drop them home in the evening, ds can sleep in the car, instead of staying as I understand that they want to see there dad.
This has been rejected and i am now being made out to be a massive bitch stopping contact.
Can anyone offer any advice. Am i being unreasonable or is my compromise fair?
Sorry it's so long.
Does your Dsil live nearby? Is she able to have them for the weekend and bring them to visit your DP etc?
She lives about 25 minutes away but won't have the dsc to stay, as she feels they should stay with their dad regardless.
She is very happy to interfere but not to actually help.
I think I'd put my foot down OP. I don't think you're BU.
Reiterate the offer to have them for the day. I think you're being very kind to offer to do the travelling. Your DSil should have offered
There is a bit of back story with my dsil which is probably under a different username now, but she will be highly involved in arrangements and travel arrangements etc. but will never ever do the journey herself as it's to far.
She is a massive pita and very close to ex, so she winds her up about things. This i can see will be one of them.
Could you take your DS out visiting family or friends for a day while his DCs are there. Give you a break from it all. If its so important his DCs are there he will have to figure out how to manage them without you.
I think you are seeing your sc as viditors rather than members of the damily who will need to muck in with new arrangements. I think they should come wiyh the proviso that they wont be waited on and may need to help out. I think you have to consider what woild happen if you had them full time. You would get on with it.
I'm sorry but I really wouldn't let anyone stop me from seeing my kids if I was due to see them and if I was ill and my partner didn't try to facilitate that I'd be upset. Yes it's going to be a struggle/massive PITA but these are the times that you have to bend over backwards.
The OP has offered to do a 6 hour round trip to pick her DSC up and drop them home for her DP surely that is trying to facilitate contact.
I have offered to bend über backwards to help with contact, I am willing to do a 6 hour round trip with a 2 year old so they can spend the day together.
All I'm asking is not to have them for the 3 nights whilst I'm struggling.
The what if they lived with you is relevant because they don't, if they did then a lot firmer rules would be in place regarding helping etc. but trying to change a long seated habit in one weekend isn't going to happen.
With regards to going out with ds for the day, I would still have dsc for 3 days and my dp, can't do anything at the moment and don't think it would be fair on his dsc to visit and have to empty urine bottles etc. he's on morphine and drowsy a lot of the time or sleeping, so they would just be there whilst he slept
I also think if you had 3 of your own children living with you full time, your working full time and your DP was recovering and unable to help. The children would probably be having a very fun week visiting their garandpatents. So the full time thing is definitely irrelevant. I don't think what you are asking for is unreasonable at all OP.
I think you have to consider what woild happen if you had them full time. You would get on with it
If OP had them full time she would have made arrangements prior to the surgery to prepare herself. Indeed she did this time but she has been overruled by the kids' Mum and her Dsil, neither of whom are offering to help.
How old are the DSC?
As your hand is being forced I'd be tempted to let them stay but not lift a finger to help/look after them etc. Indeed I'd be tempted to bugger off to your friends/parents for the weekend and let SIL help out...
Well the DSIL can't organise contact, she's not one of the children's parents. Your DP told his ex he couldn't have the children during the recovery from the surgery. That still stands. He may be happy (whilst off his head on morphine) to agree to them coming now, you're not, and you'll be the one doing all the work. I would tell him you don't agree, and you want him to tell his ex the original plan stands.
Failing that you're taking your ds away for the weekend and SIL can move in to look after DP and the kids.
They are 10 and 14, so old enough to help out but they don't, they literally expect to be waited on and problem is dp does. I won't and frankly don't won't the argument it will cause. As I know they will come and do nothing, and create mess that I will have to sort out. It's something that I have been addressing with dp but as I say, I don't have the energy for the argument and trying to change it when everything else is going on
Just stand up for yourself and say no, that you're not doing it. You've got enough on looking after your child and your partner. They are planning this to wind you up - don't fall for it.
I wouldn't be kicked out of my house! It's the journey that she's expected to do, too. No way.
This actually isn't the children's fault, it's also not the ops fault. It's the df fault for letting this situation happen and not solving it despite repeat requests off op.
So in the end op ends up resenting children that her dp is not parenting properly. This is how kids get pushed out because of the bio patents not effectively raising their kids. They may expect to be waited on but because their father is encouraging it.
The adults in this situation all need to sort their heads out because there are two kids stuck in the middle and a sp who clearly resents them. It really isn't fair on the kids
How about the approach that it's not safe for you to drive on so little sleep. Say you won't take the risk especially with having your Dc in the car too. If you are tired, driving will be horrific if he is restless and crying at any point.
I know what I wrote but I don't resent them. I don't like the situation that my dp has created and that is something that needs to he addressed but I don't resent them
You can't compare this with 'if they were yours you'd have to deal with it' because if they were yours you'd be able to say 'you have to help me/ pick up and care for yourselves or you're off to aunty's and she can deal with you'. I would say to SiL as a compromise that she should come and help out while they stay as they absolutely will not do a thing for themselves and you cannot give her brother proper care if she insists they come and stay.
Let's for argument's sake take you out of the equation, how would DH deal with three kids without help?
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