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step daughters older sister wwyd?

(30 Posts)
DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 13:53:30

Little bit of back story not to drip feed ( and first post on step parenting board)

We've been together 6 months, dp has just moved in. I have a daughter full time and shared custody of my son ( 50/50 which works for us) dp has a daughter who he sees one weekday one weekend and one overnight a fortnight but this is looking likely to be inceeased to overnight every week.
Dp was never in a relationship with the mother literally they had a few dates and slept together and its been very rocky between them ( mainly I feel as she doesnt fully trust dp as he had never been a parent and they are two very different people)
Childs mum has a daughter from previous relationship the same age as my dd who used to occasionally go with dp and sd but it tailed off when he told them about me. This girl has never had a dad again like dd and when exh left she got left behind as she wasn't his bio child and i said from the start I couldnt push this little girl out.

Anyway long story short now ive mentioned some basic background, I met bio mum at the weekend at her request , we all got along as all kids where there and she even said mother to mother she would feel more comfortable about everything now. The girls got on so well and when bio mum mentioned the time for next contact the other girl asked if she could come along to. I didnt hesitate and said of course and she looked so happy.

Bio mum text a few hours later saying thanks for letting her meet me and she feels like I'm a good person and more then happy for me to be around the kids and it meant a lot that I wouldn't exclude her other daughter. Dp is over the moon she's asked to come and even happier that his ex is that happy she's increasing his overnights.

My friends and family think I'm mad for including this child who has no connection to our family but I feel in my heart its the right thing to do,whether its a temp thing until the novelty wears off or her mum meets someone etc. I dont know but I would hate for her to feel excluded in the way my own dd has been.

Please be honest with your opinions - am I doing the right thing or ultimately am I making the situation worse for everyone?

Also apologies about grammar and spelling, I'm using my phone and its hopeless

DoreenLethal Mon 22-Feb-16 13:58:39

I think you are setting yourself up here; but that's your choice. Are you thinking that she will be coming every time? Really? And what about holidays or Christmas?

NNalreadyinuse Mon 22-Feb-16 14:02:19

I think it's great to treat all the kids equally if you can. Family is about more than biology. She is your dsd's sister. Always better to make the decision to be inclusive and kind.

NeedSomePeaceAndQuite Mon 22-Feb-16 14:03:15

I think your doing a great thing too, it could well be something that wears off so if your happy to see how things go then I would leave it at that for now

DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 14:04:04

Not everytime no, but if we are going somewhere nice then id like to at least offer her the opportunity to come along if she would like to. She wouldn't stay overnight either as she won't stay away from home, she won't even stay with grandparents.

BunnyTyler Mon 22-Feb-16 14:10:07

I am not a step parent nor dealing with blended families etc (still quite recently separated from husband/boys' dad), so no advice or dire warnings etc.

I just read your opening post and wanted to say what a nice person you sound.
I hope everything works out well in the long term xxx

twistedlove Mon 22-Feb-16 14:12:26

I think this is an incredibly nice thing to do, i always admire people that take on kida that arent blood

My real dad has never had anything to do with me but my mum had a brief relationship with my sisters father when i was 6, he lived with us for a while and my mum ended up pregnant, they split shortly after that but my sisters father was very much involved and when my sister came along nothing changed, he still treat me like a daughter and 18 years later hes still very much part of my life and i see him every week.

Not exactly similar to your story but it shows that i can work for some people.

DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 14:12:58

As for holidays dp would struggle to get his bio daughter for a long weekend let alone her sister. Mum is very close to the girls , she's amazed I let my son stay 3 nights a week but like we agreed we have didferent backgrounds- I lived with ex and he was the main stay at home parent and she has alqays worked 2 days and been there for the girls and again we are from very different walks of life. Christmas we are going to think about, he usually spends xmas day there and has always bought for both girls ( same for birthdays) even last xmas he spent there but this year Wilk be our first proper xmas together and if it means we all wait till boxing day or do it a day early then thats fine by me and again if she chooses to come id happily have her over ... As for birthdays all 4 kids have their birthdays consecutively ( couldn't even have planned it lol) so there will be lots of parties and I'm sure she wont be excluded In any way

mogloveseggs Mon 22-Feb-16 14:16:23

No advice as such just wanted to say that you're doing a lovely thing.

Keeptrudging Mon 22-Feb-16 14:17:09

I think you're doing the right thing for your families. If it's within the abilities of all adults involved to make whatever helps a child feel secure and included happen, that's a good thing.

FeelingFine89 Mon 22-Feb-16 14:19:41

Not everytime no, but if we are going somewhere nice then id like to at least offer her the opportunity to come along if she would like to. She wouldn't stay overnight either as she won't stay away from home, she won't even stay with grandparents.

I think this sounds perfect. I'd give her the offer of having sleepovers too if she wants to, but obviously she doesn't have to. She just knows that the offer is there.

DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 14:24:35

I think it will eventually fizzle out if mum meets someone but until then I would hate her feeling excluded from the closest thing she's had to a dad and couldn't intentionally spite a child - no sorry x we are going to the zoo today and im afraid you can't come .. It just wouldn't sit right on my conscience. I don't intend on playing step mum to her as she already has an awesome mum.

Bluelilies Mon 22-Feb-16 14:27:16

I think if you're talking about including her on some days out, etc then it's lovely to do that.

If your arrangements with your DP's DD ever change substantially so that she's with you for large periods of time, then it could be more problematic to include her sister too, as it might become unclear who's really parenting her. But that's not what you're proposing, just days out. Sounds like she'd keep your DD good company and you'd all enjoy it. Lovely for her mum too I'd imagine as she'd get some child-free time which I imagine is in short supply given the set up.

PutDownThatLaptop Mon 22-Feb-16 14:33:49

The fact that the little girl was so happy says it all, well done, it is a lovely thing to do.

Sunshine87 Mon 22-Feb-16 14:38:04

Going agaisnt the grain you only been together 6months, as nice as you sound having sd sibling. I dont think its appproiate that your as involved giveb the limited time the relationship has been going on.

zombiesarecoming Mon 22-Feb-16 14:39:19

My honest opinion OP is you are doing the right thing

In your position I am pretty certain I would do exactly the same and like everyone to get on and feel included

DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 14:41:23

I dont think set up will change, we live an hour away and both work full time so we couldn't do school drop off and pick ups etc as only I drive and school times are the same. We are looking at moving a bit closer tho ( closer to dps work to as he's dependent on me at the minute due to our location he has cycled a few times to work but an hours cycling each way on country roads isn't much fun and there's no bus route) even an extra tea time a week would mean a lot to dp

DarthPrincess Mon 22-Feb-16 14:49:34

I've known dp longer then six months just in a relationship for 6 months and I know it's cliché but we genuinely are an awesome little team, we disagree about things - sure , but we have overcome a fair few obstacles so far and each time we get that bit stronger, I feel more secure in this 6 month relationship then I did in my entire marriage so that for me is enough I guess

3phase Mon 22-Feb-16 15:30:31

OP I have a similar thing to you - my DSD who is with us 50:50 was the result of a ons. She now has a little brother, also the result of ons but he doesn't see his Dad. The little brother is a similar age to one of my DC and whenever DSD is being dropped here or collected, he wants to come in. Sometimes he cries to come in and cries again when it's time to go.

Like you, DH doesn't get on with Mum that well. He is very against the little boy coming in. I feel differently and have had a few arguments with DH about it. DSD would like her little brother to come and stay.

We've basically compromised and when Mum comes to collect, I invite them in, make Mum a drink and the little boy can play. I also invite him to my younger DC's parties and remember him on his bday, at Christmas etc. DH doesn't like it but equally I refuse to leave a crying child on the doorstep so this is our middle ground. I can see why DH doesn't like it, I've no doubt given the opportunity Mum would drop him here quite regularly and we can't honestly make that kind of commitment. So I've never had him without Mum being present and I don't think I will. If I invited him to join us on days out, he'd expect it after a while and it wouldn't always be financially viable / there wouldn't be enough seats in the car!

Think very carefully about what you're able to commit to in the long term. I sympathise!

dolkapots Wed 24-Feb-16 09:15:09

OP you sound lovely. There are four children in your mix with different fathers. That must be really hard for the children (in terms of family unit) and your consideration makes that much easier, for at least one child. When you have 3 anyway I can't see what difference a 4th will make. All the best OP.

DarthPrincess Wed 24-Feb-16 11:28:24

Dolkapots it's a bit of a handful, the two oldest have never had a father figure my son has a very active father ( hence the shared custody) and dp has dsd whenever he can, but phone contact when no physical contact for 2 days plus.

Sunday we are taking all 4dcs out to a large farm/play centre and im strangely looking forward to it.

The girls mum has invited dd to go to soft play when she gets paid so everything is going surprisingly amicably - which I'm over the moon about, I hate arguing especially over children and will be happy if we can all bumble along together ( ill admit it is easier knowing there isnt really a history between her and dp just a one night stand that resulted in them being forced together kind of thing and they always struggled been so different but now I kind of act as the voice of reason, explaining things from her point of view for example )

Dp seems so relaxed lately as well he had been worried with moving in with me he would lose his overnights but instead she's more then happy and thankfully sees me in a positive way.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and telling me about your own experiences, its helped me to stick with my hearts decision and not cut an innocent 8 year old out who didnt really ask for her family set up. If and when she chooses not to come along with dsd we will support her decision. We have broached the issue with dd by calling her dds friend and dsds sister and explained she won't always be coming along just if she's not busy with her own mummy.

Thanks again everyone smile

Heavens2Betsy Wed 24-Feb-16 16:20:13

Similar situation here
DSC. have a younger sister. DPs ex was pg with her when she left DP for her now husband.
This little girl is fascinated by our family and feels left out when her brother and sister come to us.
Understandably DP and his family barely acknowledge her existence and DSC have asked if she can come with us in trips etc but always the answer is no.
It breaks my heart to see her crying when we pick them up but I can't do anything about it.
You sound lovely OP and I think it's great that you can include this child.
Never mind the biology it's a child at the end of the day who will enjoy spending time with you all.

redcaryellowcar Wed 24-Feb-16 17:02:20

I read these posts not as a step mother but as a step daughter (although now grown up and with my own children) and I think you have done a lovely thing, I love my step brother but found it really odd when he got stuff we didn't, and although I appreciate as an adult why, as a child it didn't make sense. Thank you for being a lovely step mum.

wannaBe Wed 24-Feb-16 17:12:59

I have never understood the attitudes from some people that because a child isn't biologically yours you shouldn't bother with it. These are children after all.

And given your DD and DSD's sister are similar age it's surely no different to you having your DD's friend over is it? It just so happens you are now living with friend's mum's ex. Big deal.

DarthPrincess Wed 24-Feb-16 18:21:57

I think thats what makes it easier, I look at my daughter and she misses out when her brother gets nice things from his dads ( made worse by the fact his family used to. Spoil her when we where married) and id hate to be the cause of that to another little girl.

Wannabe I wouldn't even class it as friends mums ex lol, its strange I dont mind her at all we have a lot in common by way of kids and jobs etc but polar opposite lifestyles or i think we could easily have been friends, which is a weird feeling. I expected to dislike her and it to be quite an awkward situation for a while but its luckily gone smoothly!

Ive never even thought of myself as a step mam before but to see nice little comments about being a good one means the world.

Kids dont ask for families to split and join others but I guess its becoming normal now and hopefully myself and dp will do what we can to at east keep things relatively normal for 4 little ones at least

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