new step-parent and new mommy -advice please(16 Posts)
I'm a new parent and step parent who is in need of some support and advice.
My DP and I only moved in together when we found out I was pregnant. It was always on the cards but we were saving for more money to cover an extended maternity and pregnancy costs. However I fell pregnant and we moved in together. A bit stressful but we are happy the majority of the time. My DP has a 12 DS who comes every weekend. From the get go I've know this would happen and he's a lovely lad however I'm dreading the time we spend as a family. I just enjoy the new family (the three of us) as its easy and less stressful and the time as a four feels forced and such hard work. When I look at my DSS is see a lovely boy who loves my DD so there's no meanness towards him. As time goes by I'm trying to become a family but I'm also getting very upset before he arrives for contact and actually starting sobbing today and was so anxious.
Should I keep going and hope it gets better or leave the relationship to avoid damaging all involved?
So are you saying that your DP finds spending time with his DS 'hard work' too or is it just you?
DSS is your DPs son. You are going to have to make more of an effort. I can't imagine how I would feel if my own DS was sidelined lime this if DH and I split up.
How old is your baby? If it's still very small, then chances are you're still adjusting to all the changes and things will get easier in a bit of time. Is your DP able to take DSS out a bit some of the time, or look after the baby to give you a bit of time to do something with DSS? Do you ever get any weekends without DSS? If the weekends are the only time you get proper time with your DP, and DSS is always with you too, that won't be helping. Maybe just as a one off you could have a weekend without him? Or get your DP to arrange some play dates for him in the hope they'll be reciprocated.
My DP is an amazing dad and there have been no reductions in contact at all. If never support that. I'm saying how hard i find it-not. That's not what I want but I can't help how I feel right now.
My DD is 5 months and my first baby. It's not been an easy pregnancy and I'm only just getting used to being a mom.
We don't get a weekend to ourselves so our time together is weekday evenings (-after DP comes home from work) but then we focus on the baby and are both too exhausted to get any quality time. DSS always wants to be with his dad which is what I love is some way because it shows how much he loves his dad and wants to be with us and do family things.
How old is your DD?
For the first few months with my DD I was really emotional at all times and I felt extra pressure when anyone outside the three of us was here simply because I had to do things like put proper clothes on and be engaging when all I wanted to do was cuddle DD and sit about in pyjamas.
If this is the case with you too then I'd say it's perfectly normal. You already see a lovely boy in your DSS and hopefully the more you get to know him the more he'll feel like part of the family unit to you.
Can you make a list of the things that make it feel more difficult and try and come up with a coping strategy for them?
Your comments made so much sense to me-I feel the pressure of having to do things like get dressed properly, engage in games etc. I sometimes just want to chill with DD and give her to no one else but have to share her when DSS is here.
I really like the coping strategy suggestion and will start on a list ASAP.
I know the step son seems enormous compared to your DD but he is still a child and he needs putting first as much as (to be honest more than) a newborn. You need to make sure he doesn't feel pushed out. Sure - take time to think through coping strategies, but try as hard as you can to prioritise him. Your DD has no idea what is going on around her, but he does.
How long were you and dp together? Surely you would of formed a bond with his DS prior to getting pregnant? As pp stated DS is just as important and your DP can take him out and you stay with baby or spend time together at home. When i had DD i was still there for DS and involved him with his DD. As much as you enjoy the three of you your DSS is still part of that family.
By ensuring contact hasn't changed and involving him in all we do has been a conscious effort to avoid pushing DSS out but that doesn't detract from the pressure it's currently putting me under. DP does activities with him occasionally.
But how long were you and dp together and what was your relationship like prior to baby? I sense you weren't together long so haven't realised the affect blended families can have.
OP as has been said, your DP could take DSS out and they can spend some time together whilst you spend some time with your DD/rest/have a breather and some quiet time. They could go and visit family every Saturday for example and then Sunday you all spend time together as a family either at home or go out for a nice walk/have a trip to the park.
DSS needs to form a bond with his baby sister which I'm sure you know already
Is your DP off work every weekend?
We've been together for 5 years but i suppose the contact between the three of use was limited to every few weeks and as DP naturally needed to be alone with his DSS. I have a bond. I love him and wouldn't want to see him harmed or upset but I don't love him like my DD. Am I meant to? I can't deny my feelings are more intense for my DD.
Yes DP is off every weekend. I agree with the DD and DSS forming a bond and really don't want to be the one to affect their relationship. I will discuss our weekend plans with DP.
Of course you feel more for your own child, that's only natural. To be honest, I think having your DSS EVERY weekend is probably too much for you at the moment...but how do you change it to EOW without looking like the
I don't know the answer to that, there probably isn't one....but I think it would help, if only until you're completely back to normal after the birth of your baby!
I agree with Wdigin, I think eow would be a better option. Maybe you put is so mum gets a weekend to? Rather than just the mundane after school routine?
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