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Should you love dp's dc?

(24 Posts)
MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 19-Feb-16 16:19:31

I loved ex h's dc right from the start and I'm still in touch with them now.
Been with dp 2yrs. We don't live together. His dd is the same age as mine. Most of the time she's alright, but she can be stroppy. I get on with her fine, but can't say I love her. I care about how she is etc but can't imagine ever feeling love for her.
We eventually want to move in together but I am concerned that if we do I should have more feeling for her than this.

Fourormore Fri 19-Feb-16 16:20:38

I don't think there is any "should" about it and you certainly can't force yourself to feel or not feel something.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 19-Feb-16 16:25:13

It's just when my dc annoy me I still love them however annoying they are. When she annoys me, it's just annoying. I imagine dp feels the same particularly my 5yr old ds, who is either wonderful or such hard work. Nothing much in between.

Fourormore Fri 19-Feb-16 16:26:55

So you feel how you feel - there's nothing wrong with that.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 19-Feb-16 16:28:41

I just wanted to know whether people think it's a problem for the future if we do move in together I guess.

Heavens2Betsy Fri 19-Feb-16 16:51:25

I love them the same way I love my niece and nephew or close friends kids
It's not unconditional love though and if DP and I split I wouldn't be desperate to see them.
God that makes me sound awful doesn't it blush

coffeeisnectar Fri 19-Feb-16 16:58:06

I don't think you can make yourself love them. You either do or you don't. I'm very fond of my oldest dsd, I care about her and we get on well. My youngest dsd I have no feeling a for at all. Which makes me sound like a bitch but her behaviour towards me from the start, the manipulative behaviour and the lies have made me back off from wanting to spend any time with her. I tried. I've tried so hard but I can't force affection when I mostly just feel irritation.

I get irritated with my own kids but the difference is I'm able to deal with them. If I say anything to dsd it goes back to her mum and contact is stopped because dsd feels I'm licking on her. There have been occasions when she's told her mum I've said stuff when I've not even been around and she's been with dp. I can't deal with it anymore. I just keep away as much as possible.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 19-Feb-16 17:18:44

We have only had two major rows when she completely overreacted over things and I made it clear that I wouldn't be spoken to in the way she was. She is actually more polite to me than she is to her mum. Fortunately I get on very well with her mum, so there are no issues there.

Fourormore Fri 19-Feb-16 18:29:21

I'd be more concerned about major rows than not having feelings of love towards her.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Fri 19-Feb-16 19:09:18

When I say major rows I mean her having a massive tantrum after thinking I'd told her off for something when in actual fact I hadn't say anything, then her spending the next 20mins screaming about how adults are stupid etc. No more severe than I've had from my own dc except she prolongs things more as she doesn't calm down quickly.

CalicoBlue Fri 19-Feb-16 19:31:37

I do not love my DSS. We have been living together for 8 years, and I have known him since he was a baby. I do not know anyone who loves their step kids, DH does not love my kids.

Personally I do not love any children other than my own.

bumbleclat Fri 19-Feb-16 21:59:19

I got on well with DSD before I moved in together with DH then I found her very grating.
I have a couple of tips.
-If they are being unlovable, have a you day and let their dad deal with it that's what unconditional love of a real parent requires.
-Dont force it let everything be authentic and grown naturally over time

PaleBlueDottie Sat 20-Feb-16 10:12:27

I had no idea how I truly felt about my 3 dsc until their mum decided to withhold contact for 4 weeks.

She decided one day that the children should be with her and new husband full time, despite an existing informal arrangement of week on week off for over two years.

In any case during that 4 week period I found myself feeling heartbroken, I would just cry at random times. I missed them terribly. I think I realised then that I do love them, but it took for something awful to happen to make me realise.

Everything went back to normal after dp seeking legal advice and being awarded exact same access on the basis of status quo.

So, I think I would ask myself "how would I feel if they were suddenly not in my life anymore" If you would feel as I did then I suppose you could love them, if not then you don't. ..

Loving dsc though is not a prerequisite imo, but there needs to be a lot of fondness and active interest in them as individuals.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:57:35

I don't think love and a bond is just there. I don't think you can force it. But I think you can keep open and interested to your DSC and see if time helps. I didn't get on with my step dad but I love him now.

my DSCs were very closed to me. I would have loved to bond with them, but it has to be two way.

kaymondo Sat 20-Feb-16 14:06:48

I don't think loving them is a prerequisite to being able to move in together and have a future. I would say that being kind and fair to them is the main thing.

Wdigin2this Sat 20-Feb-16 15:07:58

I interact well with my DSC and DSGC, but I don't feel love for them as such! I don't think you can really!

modernfemininity Sun 21-Feb-16 10:28:47

"I loved ex h's dc right from the start and I'm still in touch with them now."

You have experience of being a good step mother.
Is it that your first step children were littlies, and now the potential DSD is a teenager?

gentlydownthestreammm Sun 21-Feb-16 13:02:10

I have known DSS since he was quite little, certainly he doesn't remember a time before me in his life.

I wish I could say I loved him, but honestly I don't. I don't know why, he's a good kid but I don't love him. I feel flashes of huge affection and love at times, but it is not real, sustained love.

I don't think it matters so much as I don't have my own kids so he is not bring treated any differently IYSWIM. He has his own parents who live him, and I just try to be kind, fair and caring and absolutely not act on or show the annoyance I feel towards him at times.

I wish I loved him though!

Wdigin2this Sun 21-Feb-16 13:12:39

Gently, you have put that well, it perfectly describes my feelings re; DSGC!

BoboChic Sun 21-Feb-16 13:19:26

I don't love my DSSs the way I love my DD but they are very much my family and we all support one another and are very loyal.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 21-Feb-16 13:45:16

I met them when they were 4 and I hadn't had my own dc then. Dp's dd is almost 9.

LazySusan11 Sun 21-Feb-16 13:46:11

No I care about dsd wellbeing but if I was told I wasn't to see her again I wouldn't be devastated. wishful thinking sometimes

Wdigin2this Sun 21-Feb-16 18:04:55 thoughts sometimes!!!!

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 22-Feb-16 13:52:53

I love my DSCs. I don't remember when it happened but I started to realise how much I think about them when they're not with us, wonder what they're doing, hope they're happy and well and look forward to seeing them again.

I didn't say it until they'd started to, at first with cards where they said they loved me (DSD makes and writes cards obsessively!), then at night when they're nodding off and now randomly throughout the day when they say they love their Dad.

Who knows if it'll last but I hope that whatever happens down the line we've built a happy foundation. I see the stories on here often of SMs who've opened their lives and homes and hearts only for it to be thrown back in their faces and it scares the crap out of me. But all I can do is travel hopefully...

I also really like them, and apparently the feeling is mutual, which day-to-day matters far more to a happy home than declarations of love.

They also drive me up the bloody wall, as children/people can, and it's been a steep learning curve. And I don't know how I might feel differently about them if we have any together in terms of the different types of love.

I think how my DP has always been about my relationship with them has helped enormously, he never expected me to love them, or they me, never put any pressure on any of us to feel a synthetic closeness, he just hoped that as we got to know each other better we'd all enjoy spending time together and be a happy unit when they're with us. If he had, or expressed, expectations about a lot of love coming out of nowhere it would have been harder for us all.

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