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moving in together - too many challenge?

(26 Posts)
saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:17:49

partner and i both work - both have kids (me 3, her 1) from first time round

we dont live far apart (15 miles ) but kids are in different seconday schools - different schedules, would mean a 30 mins drive on a morning for one of use vs a 10 minute walk etc.

partner can't see a way forward to live together full time until say 3-4 yrs time when they are all 18+

any one done similar / waited it out / avoided the complexities - we are both young ish - early 30s. I;m keen shes not :-(!!!!

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 15:24:58

Life is way too short in my opinion to wait

But really depends, will you all be living together "full time" and how often is the 30min trip who does it fall on?

My DP has two DC (full custody) and I moved counties so I could be with him and them, near their schools and have had in the past a two hour commute time - not every day but it grinds at times but it's worth it for us all to be together

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:31:16

yes thats my point really too

well i have my daughter 3 nights a week so it would be 2-3 30 mins for her every week to get to and from partners house - its her parents house she bought when they died . shes full time with her 3 boys

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:45:55

Hi, good to think about these things! I moved in with my DP, meaning a 25 minute journey to and from school for my son and at the time my job. Unfortunately, he has to take the bus home (my son) and that takes him 1.5 hours!

I don't think we'd be in a relationship if I hadn't moved in and we now have a child together.

We have worked through most of the complexities and it can work. However, I have had to fight tooth and nail as my DP quickly forgot that I was the one to compromise, he has a nice big house and felt that he was kind of rescuing me I think. So he takes my son to school as it's on his way to work every morning, but treats this like a favour. Not like the least he can do as I've moved miles to live in his house!

So it is workable, but both people must feel like they are being appreciated and not taken advantage of - whoever moves to the others 'manor' should be given a bit of leeway as they will always need more in terms of having to compromise. I'm so proud of my son who never complains - he's had to compromise and be living away from all his friends but in his words it's worth it if we are part of a happy family.

It's probably going to be make or break at some point - 3 or 4 years is a long time to wait and kids friendships grow up around their area so it doesn't stop when they hit 18.

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 15:47:19

its only 30 minutes...

I'm with you, blended families need some give and take smile

I always figured all in! Your either a family or not - Although I didn't have children of my own

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 15:49:08

And I was very much a lady who liked (ok still loves) her sleep getting up 30 mins earlier (I wish) was a given for my relationship with my DP and now DC to work

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 15:50:22

And I've seen a lot of comments from bannna and she talks a lot of sense - and much more experience than me smile

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 19-Feb-16 15:51:08

So they are 14/15 years old at the youngest? Surely these kids get themselves to school at that age.

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:53:37

i wish mine did, she still needs plenty of prompting

BoyGirlBoy3 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:00:00

I think it is possible, that the person you are with is just not that sure generally. 4 years is a long time to wait, to find out you waited for nothing, How long have you been together?

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 16:02:34

3 years

I dont think its that its more the impact of the move on me and her - an extra person and the changed dynamic of her family

BoyGirlBoy3 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:11:54

Yes you might well be right, you can usually sense what the underlying problem is. Teenage children are very hard to deal with at times, and you have the pressure of thinking about their exam results, their studies. I would like to move, but don't now because they are taking their exams. I think you might have to wait longer. Forcing it, will subtly move the weight for the decision in your direction, and then when things go wrong it will be your fault <speaks from experience>.

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 16:50:09

Do the kids all get along in best part!

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 16:53:00

Yes they do - she's their equal in cheek, strength and as we all know teenage sarcasm!!!!!!

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 16:56:19

I remember my teenage charm...

Ours are 7

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 16:59:22

Maybe your lovely lady is worrying about stuff she hasn't shared with you?

I think and I know I may get hounded for this but...

Maybe you take her out for dinner and ask her to talk to you? Let her tell you all her concerns and listen

And the figure it out as a couple? I know I loved it when my DP did this for me before I took the leap and it meant a lot him listening and actually saying we will do this together

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 17:01:52

yes thats a sound idea - thanks Ellie

It sounds indulgent but busy lives sometimes stops people talking - well first time round that rang true....!!!!!!

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 17:44:59

It helped us smile

Both me and my DP struggle sometimes to have quality time together and talk and I know I find it hard to talk sometimes after a chaotic day and he suffers the same thing smile sometimes far to easy to sit on the sofa and grunt whilst watching the walking dead lol

I really hope it all works out for you, you sound like a lovely person to me and I'm sure you can both figure it out smile

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 17:59:21

thanks EllieJay - sounds just like a normal coupledom relationship

thanks for taking time to respond - appreciated

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 18:16:13

Your so welcome

Maybe take your daughter out too to ask her... Not sure what dad and teenagers daughters do smile I encourage DP to go out with DD on his own she is 7 loves it smile he comes back confused by the latest details of my little pony but she loves that alone time smile me and DS just shoot aliens for an hour

I personally prefer shooting the shit out of aliens smile although I love the MLP talks smile

It's hard work being a parent, gosh I wish there was a manual smile

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 18:18:42

MLP - didnt take me long to work this one out !!!

My daughter likes sport - we play alot of badminton together - so I think we'll go for food afterwards and chat

Its sort of learn as you go - then you think Ah I've worked that bit out - then a new chapter opens and its time to learn again.......

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 18:39:37

Isn't it just!! Parenting if only it came with a manual!!!

EllieJayJay Fri 19-Feb-16 18:47:32

And sorry for the shortening... It's all we here at the moment from DD smile

I figure it's karma biting me on the arse from being a child obbsesed by the things smile

saddad Fri 19-Feb-16 18:51:19

no my daugter had a bit of a thing for them at the time - so I bought quite a few from ebay

Wdigin2this Sat 20-Feb-16 16:45:59

I'll probably be critisised for this, but I'd say....wait! It's not easy, (well it's damn hard actually) fitting two families into one household, there'll be differing rules, habits, levels of expectation etc, a whole raft of problems! When I was first on my own, I specifically avoided men with young children, because I just knew I couldn't do what you are contemplating!

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