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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Advice for my daughter

77 replies

NotthespecialONE · 16/02/2016 08:04

I will be drumming this into my daughters head.

DO NOT get into relationship/marry a man that already has children, run for the hills! Too much hassle than it's worth. There's always some crazy, bitter ex to deal with! (Very rare you don't)

You and any children you have with him will lose out because society has it that 'first families' are higher in the pecking order.

OP posts:

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CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/02/2016 08:22

A few people in my family warned me when I met dp. I think my mum would rather me have got with someone who didn't have children tbh.
I don't have a daughter but I do have sons, and I'll tell them that sometimes it's more hassle than it's worth getting with someone with children. Up to them though of course and I'll be happy for them as long as they are happy.

willconcern · 16/02/2016 08:25

Not always. My exP had children. His exW is now one of my closest friends. He, on the other hand.......

There is not always a bitter ex.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/02/2016 08:25

And btw, I don't wish I hadn't met DP or got with him, because then I wouldn't have my children :) They are the only positive to come out of this relationship.

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 08:28

I wouldn't want my DD to be with someone who had a dc with someone. As i question why he wasn't with them. I've been on the recieving end of been left holding the baby and the lone responsibility working and providing the devastation of not being a familt anymore was heartbreaking it was a difficult time in my young adult life i was only 22. I feel my DD deserves more a loving carig partner and a secure envirnoment.

Yakari · 16/02/2016 08:34

And if she ends up divorced would you advice her to stay single? Or would you expect some guy to deal with her kids and her ex?
I do get what your are saying but with more and more relationships ending in divorce, i suspect blended families are on the rise. Many of them the kids of this generation of divorced parents and step parents so possibly will see things differently.

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 08:36

It can be devasting to the 'first family' when they split up especially for the children. Also we are not all bitter raving exs that comment is totally unfair its like generalising all step moms are wicked step mothers when thats not the case. I have very minimal contact with my ex and i don't even have his DW contact number as its not necessary.

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 08:40

My advice would to be careful and never get with a man who walked away from his children nothing to say it would happen to her ( obviously i have that opinion because of my own experiences). Not all marriages do end in divorce. Me and my DH see our marriage as a life commitment we grew up with both sets of parents still together.

ProfGrammaticus · 16/02/2016 08:43

I saw my marriage as a life commitment too, right up until he left. And both our parents are still together. Not sure what your point is really.

Funinthesun15 · 16/02/2016 08:44

I wouldn't want my DD to be with someone who had a dc with someone. As i question why he wasn't with them.

My DH isn't with his exW as she continually cheated. and still does

Are you saying I shouldn't be with him even though it wasn't his 'fault'.

I kind of get what you are saying but nothing is that clear cut.

lunar1 · 16/02/2016 08:45

I'm sure that there are as many prioritised first family children as there are abandoned first family children in favour of subsequent children. It goes both ways.

NotthespecialONE · 16/02/2016 08:47

I get that not ALL exs are bitter! I did say it's very rare not to as in my experience, family members and friends who's dps have children it's never without some sort of hassle from the ex... My dps ex is vile!

OP posts:

NotthespecialONE · 16/02/2016 08:51

Of course everyone's experience and backstory is different.
Doesn't change what advice I'll be giving my daughter.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 16/02/2016 08:56

And your advice would be wrong. Plenty of 'blended' families make it work. And let's say she meets someone, falls head over heels in love with them - say at work or something- without knowing he has children. (Which as a PP has said, he could very well be a single parent to through no fault of his own) Would you advise your daughter to make herself unhappy and not follow her heart for your arbitrary advice?

Some people do have a crazy ex. Doesn't make them, or their children any less worthy of loving.....

donajimena · 16/02/2016 08:57

I wanted to be with someone who had children! But I guess I wouldn't have in my 20's. It is difficult at times but I still prefer it this way.
Far too many variables to give blanket advice. The ex isn't crazy either. Annoying but not crazy. I tend to steer clear of men with 'crazy' exes. There is usually something or someone who made them that way

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 08:59

Its funny if you go on lone forum people bash their exs and exs partners and stepmothers bash the dcs mothers. I do think its a combation of both partys. I must say having another woman in your role is hard to deal with when you gave birth and nutured that child. It can be very difficult to accept. Women tend to feel more threathened than men.

In regards to my situation we both leave our respective spouses out of it and parent together when necessary. We say hello to each other. Me my Dh and ex wife went to school together and i actually worked with exs dw mom.

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 09:01

Blended families does come with its problems i think it is wise to avoid it if can and agree with OP i would advise agaisnt it to.

jellycake · 16/02/2016 09:20

I would say that being a step parent is incredibly difficult. It nearly did for me. I am a teacher and get on well with children but step parenting was tough. You love your own children and would do anything for them but my 2 dsd were very difficult, I was very young and although I was fond of them I didn't have that maternal love that helps you to get through when they are your own. Honestly, if I had been given a magic wand, they certainly would have disappeared on times. I read 'Other people's children' by Joanna Trolloppe and that helped me see that I wasn't the only one going through these emotions. (My exdp just laid guilt trips on me.) The girls are in their 20s now and we have a good relationship (they don't see their father) but if you had told me that at the time, there is no way I would have believed you - especially when oldest dsd decided to move in the weekend I found out I was pregnant with my ds!

NotthespecialONE · 16/02/2016 09:21

Ok maybe I'm letting my own experience cloud my judgement.

But I would hate my daughter and any dcs she may have to be treated the way we have in our situation.

OP posts:

3phase · 16/02/2016 09:28

I wouldn't particularly want daughters to be SM's, as much as I love my DH, I don't enjoy being a SM or find it rewarding. Mostly it's just additional 'work'.

Strangely I'd be much less concerned about my son being a SD.

whaleshark · 16/02/2016 09:28

You can advise your DD what you like. She will however make her own choices, and there won't be a lot you can do about it. I married a man with DC and 13 years in, with one DS between us, I would happily go back and do it all again. It hasn't all been plain sailing, but the good has far outweighed the bad.

3phase · 16/02/2016 09:28

*our daughters....

Unnerved · 16/02/2016 09:35

I think its difficult on all sides to be honest. To begin with me and my ex hated each other he was resentful of my DH after EX split up with the OW he wanted his family back.

I was not prepared to make another go and he didn't like that i started this other life , he would bad mouth my DH to people without realising they knew him and DH did nout wrong just got with me my DH never rose to it though. We were very young back then i'm sure we both have many regrets and wished we handled them better.

I like exs DW shes a nice girl a teacher and i know she would be nice to my DS. The one he left me for hated kids, binged drinked and was heavily into cocaine which ex did aswell with him. I'm glad hes now with someone fair sensible.

I hope your dp ex sees abit of sense and backs off abit for you.

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Unnerved · 16/02/2016 09:36

3phrase but wouldn't your son be a more active step parent as he might life with the resident mom? ( i know some cases its reserved)

3phase · 16/02/2016 09:42

Yep, but the Resident Mom would likely be doing most of the parenting...!

I'm generalising but it seems to be so often the case that SM's end up doing more parenting than the non resident Dads and with that comes all sorts of problems and resentments.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 16/02/2016 10:02

I'm generalising but it seems to be so often the case that SM's end up doing more parenting than the non resident Dads and with that comes all sorts of problems and resentments.

I agree with this. Women are expected to be all maternal about dscs and do all of the parenting/caring duties/running around after them etc whilst dad does as he pleases.
The SM could be off work in order to look after her own children which can often means she gets taken advantage of regarding the dscs just because she's conveniently at home doing nothing

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