I love him, but can't live with his kids

[rebeccahawkins2014]

Hi there
After six months of living with my husbands four step children, 2 adult and 2 teenage, I don't think I can live with them any more. We have our own two children together, aged 19 months and 4 weeks old, but it's all too much. It doesn't help that we are crammed into a small house (2 bed house)!and finding a bigger property is just not happening. The older two 18 and 20 want to move out, but no private land lord will take them because they study and work as an apprentice. Their wages and ages are the main problem.

We ended up with my husbands kids because the mother could no longer look after them. I feel like I am living a nightmare and don't know how to get out of it. I love my husband so much, but living in these conditions and with his children is affecting the smaller ones and me. I'm stressed and my milk is beginning to dry up. If I leave it doesn't help my husband or me, but it will give me space and our small children space to play etc. I'm at a loss to know what to do. Can a marriage work if we live in two seperate houses? What will it do to the relationship I've been trying to build with his kids over the last 12 months? Am I running away from something when I should be staying? I don't know how much more I can take. His kids are not bad kids, they are just selfish and don't respect my husband. They argue with each other and my husband. It's just not an environment I want to be in or my children to grow up in.

Any advice? Should I move out?

[rebeccahawkins2014]

I should add here is other two daughters are 14 and 15, so very difficult teenage years..:

[RedOnHerHedd]

I don't know what to suggest, but I didn't want to read and not respond. It sounds really stressful and must be so difficult with your two little ones, especially a newborn. Have you spoken to him about it? And to his children? I'm guessing your hormones are still all over the place and your cramped living arrangement isn't help at all. I hope you manage to sort things out.

[RedOnHerHedd]

I don't know what to suggest, but I didn't want to read and not respond. It sounds really stressful and must be so difficult with your two little ones, especially a newborn. Have you spoken to him about it? And to his children? I'm guessing your hormones are still all over the place and your cramped living arrangement isn't help at all. I hope you manage to sort things out.

[RedOnHerHedd]

Sorry for the double post

[SnuffleGruntSnorter]

That sounds very stressful indeed.

Are you and your husband in a position to act as a guarantor for the older two so they could have their own place?

Is the other parent (their mother i presume) contributing financially now they're living with you full time?

I don't know what else to suggest. I hope someone wiser comes along soon.

Congratulations on your new baby by the way!

[Akire]

You have two small kids it's really tough time baby only 4 weeks old even if everything was wonderful your going feel shattered and homonal.

Having said that it does sound horrendous with such little space. Have you checked out if adults can get housing benefit? They would only qualify for a single room rate for local rent but should be provision if they can't afford rent. Failing that paying their room rent probable cheaper than the extra you would find for a 3/4 bed.

If you have the means to split house hold then I don't see that as failing either. The 14/15 y old could be at university in 3/4y time so potential in 4y all four of them could be living away from home and your children would still be small enough to not know any different if you then moved back together.

[rebeccahawkins2014]

We have been trying absolutely everything to sort out our living space. We've pleaded with the council to help us, but it seems there is very little provision to help blended families during a crisis situation. there are just very few properties privately and council to house us. My husband earns a reasonable income but not enough for us to pay our own rent and then cover that of the step children, so we wouldn't get approved a guarantor, but my brother has kindly said he would do. Even that doesn't seem to have much weight, because the demand for property is so high and there are always better people to rent to. My husband knows how I feel, but I feel like I need to be here to show the strength of our marriage, but it's seriously killing me. I do everything around the house too. I've set up a roster system, but there are always some of the kids he get off from their chores. It's sad, because no one in the house is happy. We had to take the kids in and now they don't speak to their mother. She doesn't live in this country and we only receive £10 per month for all of the kids. It's crazy and this isn't anyones fault. We are just victims of circumstance and I am stuck in a nightmare. I feel like I've done all I can for now with his step children. But I have to focus on the little ones now. They are so vulnerable and rely on me for everything. I don't know what to do. I feel very sad about everything.

[rebeccahawkins2014]

Sorry I keep writing husbands step children, but I mean husbands children. #babybrain

[rebeccahawkins2014]

And yes moving out and then back together when his kids have left does seem like a good idea atm. I just want a break from it all... I am thinking about moving out for a few days, but I'm feeling very low at the moment and can't be bothered to move all the babies stuff lol

[icklekid]

Gosh 8 of you in a 2 bedroom house with 4 adults, 2 teenagers and 2 very small children is tough. Even if everyone was getting on and pulling their weight with chores etc it would be tough. I guess the question is how long is it sustainable? How long are the apprenticeships so how long before both adults areally living independendently. I would take your brother up on offer of guarantee for them. If think you need to speak to dh and let him know how dire the situation is ie. You moving out. That might make him realise he needs to stop making excuses for his children noto contributing. I just really feel for you as 4 weeks with a newborn is so tough without anything else to deal with! Take care of yourself

[AcrossthePond55]

And yes moving out and then back together when his kids have left does seem like a good idea atm

Forgive me, I don't understand the UK housing system so I'm sure I'm missing something. You can afford to fund two households but not to rent a larger house or pay rent for the older two with your brother as guarantor? I'd think the older two could do with a one bed flat and either share the bedroom if they're the same sex or one sleeps on the sofa? If they are the same sex, they might be able to share a studio. Even a studio might seem roomy to them after sharing a 2 bed home with 6 other people!

What am I not getting?

[Dontdrinkandfacebook]

Did the children all arrive from the country where their mother lives to live with you?

Having that many people in a two bed house is ridiculous. I mean how do you physically all fit in?

6 adult sized people and two babies. Madness.

[wannabestressfree]

I might be able to give some specific advice with the rental situation if you pm me X

[Quodlibet]

Christ that sounds completely intolerable. I can understand how much you feel like leaving, but like others have said, financially if you living separately is possible, surely moving somewhere bigger is also? But it sounds really like you just want to run away from it all, which is pretty reasonable under the circumstances!

Practically, have you looked into tax credits, or housing benefit? Could the older two move into established flat shares where the rent guarantor thing is less of an issue?

[rebeccahawkins2014]

Everything you are saying is absolutely correct. We can afford a larger house,but finding a 4/5 bed is really tough in our area. We've considered moving to a non competitive area, but logistically with only one car between all 8 of us it could end up putting more stress on dh and I. And yes. Do feel like running away from it all. Lol! Like I say we didn't plan this is just ended up that we had the kids come to live with us. There is no benefit support for the kids, apart from shared accommodation, which is th route we've been going down also. They could get a studio flat and yep you're right them bunking in together would be more space than they have now. I'll have a look online to see what they could afford. Thx for all the comments and advice. I'm too close to this and sometimes it's hard to see what to do xx

[Dontdrinkandfacebook]

God you sound like a saint. I know when you marry a man who already has kids you have to be prepared to accept that you may need to put a permanent roof over their heads if necessary, but this is just off the scale of normal.

I hope you find a solution soon.

[swingofthings]

The two oldest are now adults and needed to be treated as such so they can act as such. This means that they need to be included in the discussions to decide what to do for the benefit of everyone. The reality is that everyone will need to compromise but it can be done in a way that everyone can have a bit more independence.

You need to all sit down and work out you total income from every source. You then need to work out essential bills and acceptable level of disposable income (for the eldest boys). Then you'll be able to identify what accommodation you can afford. You can then work out how far you can go taking into consideration the one car and public transport.

Your OH MUST make it clear to his eldest that they need to get involved as above or they are given notice to leave and find somewhere else because things are they are can't be sustained and your OH can't support everyone one in highest cost accommodation.

I think you are at the end of your tether understandably, but if you knew something was being done so you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, you would be able to cope and hang on a bit longer.

[GasLightShining]

His kids are not bad kids, they are just selfish and don't respect my husband. They argue with each other and my husband.

As much as I sympathize with what I can only describe as severe overcrowding the above describes a lot of families although he needs to sit down with them and get some more help from them

[DontMindMe1]

have you checked the housing benefit entitlement for the two that are working and want to move out? if they have a wage coming in then they should be able to apply for a top up to meet their rent. they could move in together in a flat or rent separate bedsits/studio flats. Houseshare is another alternative.

i know of families where they have had to live in two separate houses in similar circumstances. They chose to tell the authorities they were separated and got a second house/flat that way. Both families are still very much married and happy together.

i know some people would be horrified at the suggestion but sometimes playing by the rules just doesn't work.

another option would be to sell the house and move into rented accommodation.

[19lottie82]

Can the older two not consider house shares or lodger type arrangements? Most of them shouldn't require a credit check or guarantor.

[Bluelilies]

I would go back the council and put some pressure on them. Even in the highest pressure areas they should be re-housing families of 8 with two bedrooms. Or they might be prepared to house the eldest children instead. Speak to your health visitor and get her to write a letter to the council saying how the situation is affecting your mental health and everyone else's. If the children are living with you full time do not let the council tell you they don't count on your application form.

In the short term do you have any family you could go and visit, with your two little DC for a bit of a break?

Take care of yourself. 4 week old babies are hard under any circumstances, and you've really had a rough hand dealt you right now. Your health visitor may also refer you to sure start or be able to offer some other help to give you a bit of breathing space.

[Sparklycat]

A bit of a curveball idea...do you have a driveway? If so can you buy a cheap caravan? There's loads always going on my local Facebook selling page for a couple of hundred. Then the two adult kids can live it that for a quick solution to space while you work the situation out.

[rebeccahawkins2014]

Thanks to everyone for your help and advice. We've considered the caravan option, but there's not too many for sale online at the mo, must be the time of year. We've done to benefit search and for the oldest lad, because he earns a wage (even though it's low,) he's only entitled to £70 per month from government. Which doesn't help much in terms of paying rent plus bills. He only takes home £600. I've told my husband he might have to suck it up and get another job as well as. You know I remember when I was young I did all I can to bring in money, at one time I had three jobs, but for this generation they seem to expect everything to fall in their lap. The older girl is a ft student, so not much for her apart from £65 per week for hb, which is better, so she just needs to find somewhere to live now. The kids are not very proactive and I am finding that all the responsibility of this is falling to me. My husband works long physical hours so hasn't the time, or the patience to do it. It's so sad time with my little ones disappears so fast. The council are doing very little to help us, because they don't have to. Apparently because both the kids are 18 and 19, they are not considered a priority because they don't have any disability or children. Basically it's up to the families to support them through education, which is why we get tax credits for the 18 year old, or they support themselves if they wish to move out. God help me please!! If I manage to stay in this marriage it will be a miracle. I'm feeling so disconnected from my husband at the moment. I feel for everyone in the family, but the stress on my husband and i is immense. It's hard to stay grounded and let it all go... Right now I just want to run away with my little ones, but what does that solve???

[rebeccahawkins2014]

The way the benefit system is set up in this country is very confusing and in this day and age the government should take into consideration blended families. Young people are not offered much any more (probably because the system has been so abused in the past.) I feel like driving to 10 Downing Street and ordering the prime minister to hear me out! Surely we are not the first blended family in the country to be presented with this issue? Over the years I've paid so much money to the government in taxes and our local council can't even house us. It's a joke!!!

[Bluelilies]

That's really not correct what you've been told from the council about not being able to help. They can and do rehouse people who are as badly overcrowded as you. If they're saying the older ones can live with you then you can apply as a family of 8 for a larger home for you all.