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Some advise please ..... The ex texting dp

(32 Posts)
Wibhay Mon 15-Feb-16 21:31:58

So I have no children but my dp has 2 who he has fortnight contact with. Anyway his ex constantly texts him late at night usually about things which could wait until the morning like his son has a football match in 2 weeks time etc ....
Anyway yesterday was his sons birthday at late last night when we were in bed a texts comes through from the ex saying this time 10 years ago she was in labour and their son was born etc etc etc.
Am I wrong to feel this is over stepping the mark. To be honest it's all getting a bit much for me know as I feel there's 3 people in this relationship so think I'm going to call time but just wanted some outsiders input before I make my decision
Thanks in advance xx

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 15-Feb-16 21:41:27

I agree with you, it's not nice to have any previous partner texting too much, or late at night. It's staking a territory which isn't theirs anymore. Kids are just an excuse, there are plenty of ways to share parenting without crossing a line. I bet your DP wouldn't want your Ex texting constantly!

starry0ne Mon 15-Feb-16 21:44:32

What does DP say about it?

Onedaymydreamwillcome Mon 15-Feb-16 21:51:45

I've tried explaining to dp that he wouldn't like it but he says I'm speaking to the wrong person! So I sent the ex a polite text just saying that I feel it inappropriate etc but didn't hear anything back.
I just find it weird. She's moved on and living with someone and had another baby.

Wdigin2this Mon 15-Feb-16 22:59:48

It's what used to be called 'dog in the manger'. She's moved on with another life, so doesn't want him anymore, but like a kid with a toy, if someone else is interested she's jealous! Only you know whether this relationship is worth making the effort for, but if your partner takes little notice of these texts, other than for information about his child....why should you!

MuttonCadet Mon 15-Feb-16 23:10:06

Don't text his ex, it's up to him to deal with her. She'll now be blaming you for him not wanting to have regular updates when in fact I expect he hates it.

ElderlyKoreanLady Mon 15-Feb-16 23:15:12

Does he text her back immediately, at a better time, or ignore it altogether?

HeddaGarbled Tue 16-Feb-16 00:09:19

Oh dear.

Do you know what the circumstances of their break up were? Her message to him last night seems sad (and I mean poignant, not pathetic). It could just be an affectionate reminiscence of a special shared experience between people who no longer love each other but respect each other and have a shared history and child. Or it could be that she is still hurting about the break up and trying to remind him of their shared history in the hope of provoking some reciprocal feeling from him.

I completely understand how you feel about it but I think it was a huge mistake for you to wade in with your size 10 boots sending her "polite" texts. Absolutely not your place and you have probably antagonised her irredeemably.

If your partner doesn't understand why this is a problem for you and is not prepared to draw some new boundaries to keep you happy, then I think you have your answer.

MsColouring Tue 16-Feb-16 09:11:47

Sounds like my dh's ex. She gets really stroppy if dh is slow answering texts and still acts like she owns him somehow. I would stay silent as much as possible and not show it's nothing you. As long as your dp isn't doing the same thing I would try and ignore - she is the one with issues.

whaleshark Tue 16-Feb-16 09:14:59

I'd say this is only a problem if your DP is engaging with it. If he switched his phone off at night, then replied in the morning, I can't see it would cause a problem. If he is having text conversations with her late at night, I would be concerned.

Scootering Tue 16-Feb-16 09:16:53

This sounds normal to me. I send me ex texts like this and we have no affection for each other at all. I'm working or looking after the kids so I text late at night - but I don't get to bed until midnight so his idea of late night is different to mine. Even if you can't bear each other, you are the only two people in the world who love your kids unconditionally.

If you had sent me such a text I would think you were unhinged.

3phase Tue 16-Feb-16 09:23:51

I'd find that very awkward too OP. If she knows he's with someone else I do think that's overstepping What's crucial is whether or not he's texting similar back though.

Onedaymydreamwillcome Tue 16-Feb-16 10:18:19

Hi all thanks for your replies. Dp doesn't normally reply but it's just frustrating that we will be relaxing of an evening and them DING off goes the phone. He won't turn his phone off which is fair enough in case it's an emergency but it just ruins the mood then. He said he has spoken to her in the past about it and that's why he suggested I text her as maybe she would take more notice. I'm sure that she would be pissed off if her new partner got a text off his ex saying about her giving birth to their son etc.

Onedaymydreamwillcome Tue 16-Feb-16 10:19:39

And she doesn't work so there is no reason as to why she has to text that late. Oh let me think .... Her new partner works evenings so that's obviously why smile I wonder how he would feel about her texting her ex late at night and sending little winks and kisses at the end of the texts

Binders1 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:57:12

How long have you been together - it doesn't sound like very long? Doesn't sound too serious a relationship either if you can call time because it's all getting too much for you just because your 'dp' gets late night texts form his ex about things that can wait until the morning.

Guess you only get annoyed when the 'ping' is from the EX? If it was just a mate texting you wouldn't be bothered? If he isn't responding, don't see what the problem is. He is with you, she is with someone else with a baby and assume you know there is nothing to it - it wouldn't bother me personally.

Oh.. and you shouldn't be texting his EX, it makes you come across as a bit childish - your 'problem' is with your DP not her.

Binders1 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:58:15

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MeridianB Tue 16-Feb-16 11:57:29

Definitely annoying. But I wouldn't get into texting the ex. Your DP needs to step up.

coffeeisnectar Tue 16-Feb-16 12:15:00

My dps ex has done a few things like this, once at our house and dsd was taking things out of her bag and pulled out a toy animal and I said "oh that's cute" and his ex starts on with oh do you remember when she got that, the day we all went to the safari park, it was a lovely day..blah blah. Very awkward for dp and I was just rolling my eyes skyward. There was just no need for it. Dsd wasn't even listening, it was all for my benefit.

I think in her case she likes to think he was hers first and has a claim on him but actually I was with him a long time ago and we have as much shared history. He still had photos of me and Valentine's cards in the loft.

Philoslothy Tue 16-Feb-16 12:22:16

I think it is nice that there is some residual affection there, their ability to get along will make your life easier in the long run.

Perhaps in the early days of our relationship I may have been bothered but that would have passed

Onedaymydreamwillcome Tue 16-Feb-16 12:28:02

I just see it as the past is the past and if she's so sentimental about their past then she is obviously not over him. I just can't be doing with feeling like the 3rd person in the relationship. My ex doesn't text me and that's how it should be in my eyes

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 16-Feb-16 12:46:47

Oh.. and you shouldn't be texting his EX, it makes you come across as a bit childish - your 'problem' is with your DP not her.

Whilst I agree it feels fustrating and low to directly confront the Ex - but why not? She IS the one directly causing YOU a problem. And she obviously doesn't care how it affects you. She's overstepping a line. Kisses and smiley faces? Yuk!!

But DPs would probably do anything other than confront an Ex. I've said this before on this board. But it is intrusive, you are totally normal for feeling put out, someone is treading on your toes, and to just shut up and be silent takes more of a thick skin than I've ever had. Give your DP a huge kick by saying that this is a deal breaker and leave the relationship.

Scoopmuckdizzy Tue 16-Feb-16 12:58:53

DH's ex seems to have difficulty with boundaries too and has (and still does to a certain extent) text and call at silly times and about silly things. DSC are teens so most of it could go directly to them (eg How many goals did DC score at match? Etc) however I have learned to let it go - it's my DH's way of dealing with the messages that has any meaning for me. He doesn't reply to the unnecessary stuff and waits until more appropriate times to reply to the stuff that warrants a reply.

We can't make the ex stop texting or calling and I'm sure DH's ex would have been over the moon if I'd contacted her directly to ask her to stop as she would have known that she was bothering me. Even DH didn't say anything to her about it. She goes quiet sometimes but when we announced DC3 pregnancy she seems to have ramped up the contact again. It does irritate but I have bigger things on my mind at the moment than her.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 16-Feb-16 13:18:08

Scoop I truly do comend you. I wish I were able to turn a blind eye and not let things get to me. It's interesting that it increased when you were pregnant - snap! I had that too. I silently wished she hooked up with a man with a similar Ex - see how she liked it!

swingofthings Tue 16-Feb-16 16:37:39

It is nothing to do with the ex. If your partner doesn't make it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable, then she is doing nothing wrong.

So either he has told her to stop, but she is continuing, in which case, he needs to not respond and even turn his phone off, she'll get the message at some point, or if he is happy to communicate this way, you need to tell him that it makes you feel insecure. It is then up to both of you to come up with a solution, ideally the same as above.

WillAndDisgrace Tue 16-Feb-16 17:51:59

Tell your DP to put the night mode on. It allows you to select calls from people you want (I have only 2 on my list) and anyone else would have to call three times consecutively to get through, which they would if it was an emergency.

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