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Applies to any type of family: getting the **#> out of the house

(22 Posts)
bumbleclat Sun 14-Feb-16 12:22:50

I cannot stand the 2 hour process to get out of the house. I wake up full of enth usual my suggesting bike rides/ zoo trips/ cafe visits always met with whinging moaning and everything that just zaps the joy out of me.
I tend to just go out on my own when we have DSD because I find it so irritating.
But I feel like I live a parallel life to DH and DSD when she's here and I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I find trying to blend a step family like trying to blend water and oil whatever kind gestures I do I find myself taking the path of least resistance and just living like a single woman sad

bumbleclat Sun 14-Feb-16 12:23:11


Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 14-Feb-16 12:35:16

Maybe plan ahead and let your DP and DSD know what you are doing. Maybe have one day where you do just go out on your own and leave them to it. Another where you do something with your DSD as it sounds like you are getting really hacked off. Most kids are like that.

bumbleclat Sun 14-Feb-16 16:41:39

We have just been on a very painful bike ride where 9 year old DSD spent the whole time moaning, stopping, getting angry and stropping (the track was an old railway line and completely flat.
It was just torturous.
I am now officially giving up and it feels great
I will please myself from now on and DH and his ex partner can continue to bring up this very grumpy young lady without my input.

AnnaMarlowe Sun 14-Feb-16 16:50:21

Just a thought - I'm not sure how far you went but did you have snacks with you?

My DD is very slim and runs out of energy very quickly. A banana or an oat cake and a quick drink work wonders to get her going again.

Also to be fair if she's not used to cycling distances it will be tiring/uncomfortable for her.

bumbleclat Sun 14-Feb-16 16:58:28

Yes I think that might have had something to do with it..

AnnaMarlowe Sun 14-Feb-16 17:09:03

smile Learned learned for next time.

Small child don't have the energy stores of adults, even very fit kids.

Any physical activity, especially if she's not used to it, will require regular refuelling.

Fourormore Mon 15-Feb-16 18:09:37

What does your DSD want to do?

Wdigin2this Mon 15-Feb-16 23:08:46

Yes she probably ran out of steam, yes she probably isn't used to that kind of activity....but also yes, she probably didn't want to do what you wanted to do! If she only sees her DF a few times a month, she will want all his attention for the time she's with him, and that probably doesn't involve organised activities where she has to share him!
Two ways of looking at this....go with it and let her have her time with her dad, and hope she grows to accept you and him as a package! Or, decide a blended family is not for you, and move on! I wouldn't blame you if you did because it's a hard and pretty thankless task!

bumbleclat Tue 16-Feb-16 09:18:04

Anna you've got it yet we'll give her more snacks in future.
She sees her dd a lot as she lives next door.
What does she want to do? Play on the iPad for 14 hours straight like most 8 year olds!

bumbleclat Tue 16-Feb-16 09:18:20

<avoids step mother bashing>

Fourormore Tue 16-Feb-16 10:05:10

Does her dad help in motivating her to get out of the house?
Perhaps she needs more preparation? Give her some options and let her choose? Do it a week or two in advance and remind her every now and again that you'll be going out on that day.
It can't just be about snacks if it's taking 2 hours of whinging to even get out of the door but it doesn't sound like a difficult problem to solve, just a different perspective required.

Didn't notice any stepmother bashing. If you meant Wdigin's post I thought it was spot on.

swingofthings Tue 16-Feb-16 16:44:00

Not a step-parent issues but a common complaints about parents of kids that age! It drove me mad as a mum. Spend so much energy coming up with ideas of what to do all together to be met with moaning and the rest. So infuriating! I have gone back and forth telling myself that I needed to continue to force them, which to be fair normally ended up with them cheering up (but by then I am so worn out by it all, I don't enjoying as much!), or giving up, going without them, but then feeling negative about not doing enough with them and letting them getting away with it.

The good news is that it gets better with age. DD wouldn't walk anywhere, moaned and moaned too cold/too hot, boredom, scared (heights), needing a drink etc... until she decided to do the Duke of E awards (did I laugh when she said she was signing up for it!), but for the first time she enjoyed trekking and since then, she's been great and opened to any activity. DS is 13 and is just getting over the moaning attitude and seeming to enjoy activities more regularly.

Not a solution to your problem, but I can assure you it drives many parents mad too. Ultimately, as much as possible, try to ignore it and remind yourself it is OP's problem, not yours!

bumbleclat Tue 16-Feb-16 17:04:59

Thank you swing of things there is hope then!

Wdigin2this Tue 16-Feb-16 23:27:42

If your comment about SM bashing was about couldn't be more wrong! I'm a SD, SM, SS and SGM! I'm the last person you could accuse of SM bashing, because I know exactly how hard it is, how lonely and pushed out you can feel, and how you think no matter how hard you try, sometimes it's all too much!
There are only two choices in this situation, you ride it out hoping for the best, but taking the knocks along the way....or you get the hell out whilst you still can!!!

bumbleclat Wed 17-Feb-16 19:49:59

So sorry for being defensive I have just some bad experiences on this Step parenting thread (usually from not SP) they get a whiff of someone who doesn't like a SC's behaviour and they immediately revert to treating you like every step mother archetype going and I'm to green to take it!
I am SD too.
I really really struggle with SPing which is weird because I have lived all children and made a career out of this well of love I have for them for 15 years now Nannying/ Prinary school teacher babysitter, honourary auntie who rocks! So it's cone as a huge shock to me the effect being a step parent has had on my nervous system and sense of well being (or lack thereof)
A bit late to get out of it now as I'm very happily married and I've found ways of damage limitation which mainly involve staying away when DSD is about. Just not what I dreamt of though sad sad sad

bumbleclat Wed 17-Feb-16 19:51:40

Sorry, sausage fingers on iPhone (I'm a good Primary School teacher really!)

Wdigin2this Wed 17-Feb-16 20:03:14

No offence taken, believe me I know how difficult it is to keep quiet, when you see a DisneyDad letting his kids get away with murder....just so he can keep on seeing them! And sadly, the bad news is, grown up DSC very often don't get any better, DisneyDads never learn and, (IMHO) fully successful step family blending is damn near impossible!!!

bumbleclat Wed 17-Feb-16 21:25:37

Thank you, I go to therapy fortnightly to deal with this. Im beginning to regret marrying someone with a child. I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax into this role.
Feeling discouraged.

Fourormore Wed 17-Feb-16 22:00:00

It's really tough. It's tough enough dealing with this situation when it's your own child and much harder when it's not, I think.
Can you go to therapy weekly? I'm a psychotherapist - it's often much more effective if it's every week.

bumbleclat Wed 17-Feb-16 22:29:32

I was going weekly but it was costing me a fortune, I actually ended up getting a bit £2000 into debt for it so now I go fortnightly because it's more manageable.

Sneeziemcweezie Thu 18-Feb-16 15:29:06

Bumble, I'm not sure it helps but you are by no means alone. I'm on anti-depressants now after years of struggling with being a SM. I'm also incurring significant cost in fortnightly counselling. While I love my DSCs dearly, it is just so damn hard. I was a single parent for a long time with no support from my ex and that was a piece of cake compared to this. I had no idea it would be like this; couldn't imagine that someone else would want to actively undermine me and cause endless trouble (especially when she has left her kids to live with me full time). I sometimes wake up and wonder how I ended up in this situation, and know I wouldn't repeat it if time suddenly rewound.
That said, in response to your original post, ALL kids can behave like that, it's just easier to deal with when they are your own as rejection is not an issue. My DD can be absolutely vile at times.
I've got all the kids (DD and DSCs) for half term as DH has to be in work and their DM wouldn't have them. I've organised absolutely nothing for them - I'm leaving them all to do exactly what they like (especially as DH wouldn't support me agreeing ground rules for everyone at the start of the week). Everyone is being pleasant and friendly and someone even started unstacking the dishwasher unasked! I'm seeing it as down-time for them after a good winter term and an opportunity to boost their sleep banks in the hope we have another healthy half term up until Easter, I'm enjoying not the running round after anyone and think they are enjoying chilling time

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