What's the point in making arrangements when people then make their own arrangements at the last minute and don't even tell you?

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

So this afternoon we (me,dsd, and my dad's fiancé) have been bridesmaid dress shopping for dsd as she is being bridesmaid at my dad and his fiance's wedding later.
We had a really nice afternoon. Had some dinner out. Had a mooch around a few other shops.

Yesterday I agreed with dsd's mum that dsd would come to ours at 12:30 today (it's her mum's weekend). This morning though, dsd walked through the door at 10:30 (her mum doesn't live far away so she made her own way here). I was surprised to see her but I wasn't actually bothered that she had come early.

But what did bother me was that a text/phone call wouldn't have gone a miss. What if I was out and dsd was left stranded? (Her mum had already gone out shopping dsd told me) Her mum just assumed I was in. DP was at work so she wouldn't have spoken to him.

2 whole hours early without even a text. Surely it's just common sense to make sure this is ok.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

later this year**

[Bluelilies]

Assuming she's young enough to need looking after and doesn't have a key, then definitely she should have checked with you first. She might have been sat on your doorstep for two hours.

If she's a teen who makes her own way around then it's a bit more difficult. My DSC and DC all turn up at random times for various reasons, and i find it hard to insist they don't without sounding like this isn't their home and they're not welcome. But they're all old enough to let themselves in at least.

[DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow]

Depends how old she is.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

She's 10

[CalicoBlue]

Yes it is unreasonable to not check that you are in and that she has got there safely.

My DSS's mother has form for this. The other day she sent a message to school telling him to come to ours on a day that he was due at hers, as she was not well. Did not tell me or DH.

Dh was abroad with work, I worked late and went out for drinks, my kids (teens) knew where I was. Only in the morning when DSS walked out of his room, I found out that he had come home when the cleaner was here before the others came home from school. He was in his room all evening and night with no one in the house knowing! I was minutes away from double locking the front door. I was .

Do not understand how someone can be so careless about their child.

[WhoHasACrystalBall]

calico that's actually shocking! How old was he?

How can anyone think it's ok to send a child to a house and not be sure someone is in ?

I can't imagin doing that with my son, but he's only 3 at the moment but can't ever imagin doing that really. Even if it's his dad's house, I'd naturally worry. Especially if I did t have regular contact with te people living there

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I sympathise! It is not on. My DSCs Ex did this regularly, and used the fact that some kids were older (at time I met them 9 years to 18), that this was OK. It isn't and wasn't, but boy did I get a lot of flack when I said 'no', and to this day, Ex resents me for it. She basically used our house as a dumping ground for any of her kids whenever she wanted. I'd find the 9 year old in the evening who'd been playing Xbox 10 hours straight and hadn't eaten completely on her own soaked from walking here, or the mid teens sneaking their boyfriend who shouted at the 9 year old, or avoiding doing homework or just saying they were at ours to their mum and going somewhere else. The list goes on! Totally, totally crap when neither I or DP were asked or told. I won't go into it but it ended up in a serious situation with the 18 year old too. And still their mum stirs up bad feeling by telling the kids how strict I am, how I told treat their house as if it's theirs, how I make them unwelcome. All because I insisted that me or DP always be told and always know which house any kids are in.

[WhoHasACrystalBall]

bananas you make a good point about them telling mum they are at yours when they are not. If mum thinks they are at yours and you think that are at mums they have a free run!

This alone highlights why the two households should confirm things like this.

[CalicoBlue]

DSS is 13, so he does have some responsibility for letting others know he is in the house. He had nothing to eat and drink all evening, because he was waiting for his father to come home and feed him. I told him that if there had been a fire no one would have saved him as we did not know he was there. He does not have a key, so someone has to let him in.

Bananas that would have driven me nuts, and is so unfair on the kids. I always make sure I know what house my DC's are in, but DSS will go out and sometimes his parents do not realise till late that he is not at either house.

[Bluelilies]

We've had similar problems to bananas with eldest DSD exploiting a lack of communication between her parents about where she was to host a party at ours whilst we were away.

You need to get systems really clear when they're 10 and not up to anything they shouldn't be to have any chance at all of keeping on top of deliberate efforts of teenagers to dodge below the radar

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

I get that it's their home as well as much as their other home, but the fact that they aren't there every day it makes it a little bit different to children who live in that household every day of the year, and they should let you know when they are coming/not coming just so you know really and can plan accordingly. For children who have no set pattern eg teenagers, a quick text to mum/dad/stepdad/stepmum is all they need to do. If they

For younger children whose parents decide for them, if anything changes then they need to let the other parent/stepparent know, or even check if it's ok. Again what if I was out? Dsd doesn't have a key because she doesn't need one yet as it is assumed that an adult will be in when she arrives. That's why her mum needed to check first before going shopping and getting dsd to come here on her own 2 hours early. Her mum isn't a crap mum but I've got to say that was a very poor decision and I did judge her for it!

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Ignore the additional "If they".

[Bluelilies]

Have you spoken to her about it? I'd suggest either you or your DH says something about it - ie that you're generally happy to have her and to flex the hours, but can she check first in case you're not in? And try to keep that habit up.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Well I briefly mentioned it when I dropped dsd off later that day.
I just said (not in an arsey way) "I had no idea she was coming early this morning. I wasn't sure if you'd texted me and it didn't arrive?"

She looked a bit embarrassed and said something along lines of "no it was a quick decision because she didn't want to come shopping. Sorry."

No response to the of the lack of text but hopefully she got the hint :)

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Can'twait - that at least shows that the Ex has some understanding and as she said sorry she knows that it isn't it on. That's good!

When I said the same to my DPs EX I got a barrage of phonecalls telling me 'How dare I' etc. I only asked to be informed!