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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

what would you say........

352 replies

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 03:20

I saw this on another forum and it was brilliant, so I decided to blatantly steal it. Some was hilarious, some was brutal but all a great vent no judgement
What would you love to say to your step kids but cant in real life??
I would say to SS7, when you get caught out in a lie, laughing and saying I was joking doesn't make it cute, its still a lie.

OP posts:

Report

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 10/02/2016 03:26

And what about when your own precious kids do the same? Kids are kids. Some are annoying. Your children may well irritate the hell out of someone else.

Stepkids are often damaged and traumatised by the mere fact that you have to exist in their lives. Do you think it's nice or particularly adult to enjoy picking holes in their behaviour in such a snidey way? Especially given that you have the choice about whether to be in their lives or not, but they have no such choice about you?

Quite honestly, threads like this just make me realise why stepmothers get the 'wicked' reputation and stereotype they do.

runawaysimba · 10/02/2016 04:03

Catch, if it was the OP's own precious kid I'm sure she'd tell them straight up. That's the thing with step-kids, you have to bite your tongue in a way you never do with your own kids.

For the very reason you say, that step-children don't choose the situation, most stepmothers bend over backwards never to utter a critical word. If venting helps a step mother maintain a great relationship with her stepchild, then surely it's a good thing? Don't you ever vent
about the people you love?

WSM123 · 10/02/2016 04:17

Catch Go away, get on that plane and off this thread, did you miss the part that said NO JUDGMENT? Or wouldn't say in real life?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 10/02/2016 04:28

that's the thing with step-kids, you have to bite your tongue in a way you never do with your own kids

I don't totally agree with this, it depends if you have a good level of support and united front with your DP. I've never bitten my tongue with my DSS if he has done something that needs me to say something I say it at the time and in a way that lets DSS know what hes done wrong and how to do it better next time. I know DP will back me up. If he didn't then that would be a whole different matter!

some was hilarious, some was brutal but all a great vent oh really? So making fun at a childs expense is the latest form of entertainment is it? Yy to the comment about wicked step mothers...

daisychain01 · 10/02/2016 04:30

Venting can say a lot about a person's mentality.

BusyCee · 10/02/2016 06:04

I usually avoid the step parenting board, as my step mother made my life a misery as a child, gave me huge self esteem issues that affected me throughout my life, so I know my opinion on this topic is massively emotional and biased. But this keeps coming up on Active, so I'm afraid I feel free to chip on on this one.

As pp said you have choice that your step children don't have. You are also a fully fledged and complete adult. These are children who have already experienced disruption in their lives. The way you behave with them affects the adult they become.

I think your attitude is unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, cruel and incredibly thoughtless. I hope your step children survive their childhood contact with you with their emotional health intact. I hope for your sake they don't hate you as viscerally as I hate my stepmother. Even though as I get older I understand more why she behaved towards me the way she did I still rationally believe she is a 'bad person' because of the way she - as an adult - treated us - as children. Are you a bad person OP?

FaFoutis · 10/02/2016 06:15

Nasty.
Your poor step children.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 06:16

Dsd, I thought it was brilliant when your brother didn't take you on and ignored you when you attempted to rub it in his face about "all of your holidays". Give it up girl- he doesn't care!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 06:47

Actually, I did say a bit of the above to her.
I told her that as she can probably see, her brother doesn't care.

She did something similar when she got a cake after school once. She was all "Look what I've got and you're not having any" waving it in his face, and DS smiled at her and said "Cool". Having not got the reaction she was hoping for, she then reiterated, "But you're not having any". And he ignored her. So I said "Will you just shut up about it and eat the cake before you drop it please. He's not bothered if he's not allowed any"

wannabestressfree · 10/02/2016 06:54

As we are talking about children I Don't think the sentiment is very nice.... sorry

DoreenLethal · 10/02/2016 07:02

If this was a 'what would you like to say to your child in real life but can't', they would all pitch in. But because it is step child, and all step children are practically perfect in every way, everyone ploughs into the step mother.

Step mothers can do nowt right. Not even allowed to vent.

FaFoutis · 10/02/2016 07:09

If parents responded to 'what would you like to say to your child in real life but can't' most of it would be done with love. The step-children version is more likely to be done in the spirit of resentment or worse.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 10/02/2016 07:13

If parents responded to 'what would you like to say to your child in real life but can't' most of it would be done with love. The step-children version is more likely to be done in the spirit of resentment or worse.

Nothing like a good old stereotype is there......

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 10/02/2016 07:15

No Doreen because as someone else pointed out upthread, if your children are behaving in a way that is less than attractive then as their parent it's your job and your perogative to gently remonstrate with them over it.

As a step-parent unless your partner has RP or 50:50 and/or unless you are the only mother/father in their life and take on the responsibility of raising them, you don't have that right or that perogative. I understand it's a challenge and children can be awful if they decide they don't like you. Ditto stepmothers. I know I was pretty awful to some of my mother's boyfriends who I decided were thoroughly unsuitable. But I also had to carry all sorts of emotional baggage surrounding the circumstances of my parents' divorce, the OW who became my Stepmother, the fact that her own children totally monopolised my father, his time, his money, his affections in the most blatant and deeply damaging way…and I too, like the OP's stepson was just 7 years old.

I was a very good kid on the whole, bright, mature, well-behaved, forced to be wise and old beyond my years because of a set of circumstances not of my making, where the grown ups who were supposed to put me first DIDN'T. So if ever I had a bad day where I - you know - just behaved like a lss than perfect 7 year old who was still learning how to manage my emotions, I think it was probably because I had something deep seated and painful going on that I couldn't really articulate to the stepmother who might have wanted to write snarky things about me on the internet, had it existed back then.

If you have a seventeen year old druggie layabout for a stepchild then I get it, but this child is SEVEN.

DoreenLethal · 10/02/2016 07:21

I was a very good kid on the whole, bright, mature, well-behaved, forced to be wise and old beyond my years because of a set of circumstances not of my making, where the grown ups who were supposed to put me first DIDN'T.

Yes dear, snap - many of us are.

However it doesn't mean that as an adult you cannot think things that you want to say to someone else's kid that you just can't say. No matter what age they are.

The step-children version is more likely to be done in the spirit of resentment or worse.

Surely the essence of this is that you WOULDN'T say it in real life. And you have NO IDEA what spirit it would be said in. Taking on someone else's child as a step parent is one of the hardest things in the world. But don't let that stop you and all your assumptions, eh?

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 10/02/2016 07:23

Well I think I can tell by the general tone of the OP what spirit her comment was said in thanks.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 07:28

Another one would be what would you say to your dsc's mum.

I'm not your babysitter. Go away.

FaFoutis · 10/02/2016 07:31

Read this board, easy to stereotype from this - even if I didn't have years of experience surviving bloody awful step-parents.

Slagging off sad and confused children on the internet is not very nice.

JapanNextYear · 10/02/2016 07:33

If it was what would you say to another parent's child but can't, I expect people would be piling in with answers. There's so much baggage around step parents that you can't say anything. Mine would be get a job and pay some rent.

neonrainbow · 10/02/2016 07:37

To my dsc mum - i can't wait until the day when you no longer feel you have the right to dictate what happens in our house. Probably when dsd is 18. Also its about timeyou started encouraging some independence in dsd. Its not a good thing that she does nothing for herself because you treat her like a 3 year old.. Still makes a fuss about putting her own socks on fgs and its because of you.

Ledkr · 10/02/2016 07:38

These thrrads make me glad that exh gf is so kind to my dc so she should be as she nicked him

Seriously though, just remember they are still kids and kids whoust be really sonetimes distressed and confused at their parents spending more time with other kids and probably feeling really jealous.
Dd14 is probably a nice step daughter and plays with and helps with her 4 siblings, gets on well with her sm and there is no animosity from me.
However she often talks about feeling sick/sad/angry at seeing them all together and her dad parenting the little ones which she has never experienced. She feels guilty about feeling that iyswim?

It must be hard.

OllyBJolly · 10/02/2016 08:09

She did something similar when she got a cake after school once. She was all "Look what I've got and you're not having any" waving it in his face, and DS smiled at her and said "Cool"

And what she probably meant was "You have my daddy staying with you all the time and I'm trying to show I'm not hurting"

I told her that as she can probably see, her brother doesn't care

You're doing something right, CantWait. Your son is showing more maturity than you are.

These threads make me glad that exh gf is so kind to my dc

Me, too. I can't imagine my DDs SM treating them with anything else but kindness. She is an absolute gem.

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CantWaitForWarmWeather · 10/02/2016 08:20

Haha oh Olly what an analysis that is.

Not all stepchildren are delicate little flowers you know. She's not hurting she was trying to make her brother jealous and failed.

Neverenuff · 10/02/2016 08:32

I have no doubt the kids in these situations are suffering to some degree. I can't say I understand as I was lucky to have both my parents to still be together. How can I possibly understand the emotions of an 11 and 9 year old who have separated parents.

I'm not sure no 100% agree with the whole thread I can see both sides of the arguement above. My dp obviously thinks the sun shines out his kids backsides (as most parents do) however outsiders such as step parents/ friends can often see imperfections or is it maybe not how they would have raised their children and therefore they have an opinion- in this instance the OP is opening the floor to let us say what we wouldn't normally/ rationally say. I don't see the harm in that.

Have you never walked round the shops and said - 'i'd be so embarrassed if that was my child' or 'if that was my kid' 'no way would I let my kids speak to me like that!'

In my opinion kids will not learn the error of their ways if you don't guide them and advise them. If they are not your children it's not always easy. Let's face it no-one is perfect not even children. And I think to be having a go at the OP for having a wee vent is a bit harsh. I'm quite sure any frustration vented is not mirrored in home life. I have plenty of things I'd like to say but don't because I know I am the adult and there is no benefit from taking my frustration out on an innocent child. So I just keep it to myself paint on a smile and get on with it. I am always nice to the kids but I will tell them off if required. Usually dp does it before me.

There are a few home truths I'd like to tell the kids about their mum and recent escapades. She has told them a version of events which I'm ssure is lies but as responsible adults I won't discuss it with the kids as I actually don't agree that they know what's went on anyway.

Keeptrudging · 10/02/2016 08:38

Things I want to say to my DSDs but can't? "I love you". They are truly lovely girls, I think/hope they know, but it's not something I can say, it would feel strange/like I'd overstepped a boundary that's 'parent' territory. I do put 'love' on cards .

Flip

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