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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

gonna have a go at disengaging

86 replies

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 01:36

I have been reading a lot because I'm getting more and more frustrated with the stepkids (and to be fair DP when they are around)
Over trying to think of what to cook for dinner that SS4 might actually eat.
Over thinking that BM might have actually bothered to toilet train SS4 and then stressing all weekend when my furniture id getting pee and Poop all over it.
Over picking up toys so I don't break and ankle etc.
So I'm going to have a go at disengaging (I like tidiness so some might be tough) but here are my thoughts on what to do (any suggestions will be appreciated)
-I will cook what ever I want for dinner and if they don't want it, tough luck
-If toys are not picked up at the end of the day (preferably when no longer being used) they will go in a box, (they can be earned back out of the box by chores etc, at discretion of DP) and not earned back they will go to hospice of home builders
-Washing will be done IF its in the laundry basket, and only when I have a full load to do

if SS4 has wet od sh*y pants he will have to stay off the furniture (if fine maybe even outside) until he askes DP to clean him up (in the past its me stressing about MY furniture that takes him and cleans him up as soon as I notice.Even if I ask him if he pooed his pants he will say no, so from now on I will simply tell him to get off the furniture)

-anything else they want they will be told to ask DP

I actually feel less stressed already, just making a plan has helped

OP posts:

Report

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 01:40

woops a few typos there.
Also going to insist that our bedroom is entirely a child free zone so if I want time out to chill I don't get bothered (which usually happens). I don't think that's a big ask as my parents room was always a no-go zone growing up and even now at aged 40 I feel odd going into my mums room

OP posts:

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 03/02/2016 01:42

Have i missed something? Is this an in joke?

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 02:27

What do you mean "is it a joke"? No its not

OP posts:

lunar1 · 03/02/2016 05:59

Do you think that when you get to the point of treating a 4 year old like a naughty dog it would be better to just walk away from the whole thing?

I'm sure you feel pushed to it but you are sounding cruel and taking out adult frustrations and issues on a 4 year old is not on.

HesNotAMessiah · 03/02/2016 08:51

that's a bit harsh Lunar1?

Maybe OP shoud suggest her approach to DP and see what the reaction is, perhaps they don't know just how much cleaning up tehr is to do?

Meeting half way with a 'let's all clear up together before tea/bed' might win the battle?

But the toilet training thing needs sorting, perhaps some sort of reward scheme ?

Carrots always work beter than sticks - because you can't really beat chuildren these days .

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 03/02/2016 09:40

I'm absolutely with lunar. Your step son is four years old and you want the poor little boy to wait outside if he's had a toilet accident? So he'll be outside in February with wet trousers, he'll be frightened and feel humiliated as well as being cold and uncomfortable.

Definitely not ok! I can understand it's frustrating for you that he's not yet reliable with the toilet training but it needs to be approached with kindness and understanding. Is he frightened of the loo? Does he need help that he's not getting? Does he soil himself when at home and school too?

MTPurse · 03/02/2016 09:46

I think it is time you walked away from this relationship, you are seriously not cut out to be a parent/step parent if what you have written here is anything to go by. You would make a four year old stand outside if he has an accident? Seriously?

MTPurse · 03/02/2016 09:48

And I think your idea of 'disengaging' is completely different to others

lunar1 · 03/02/2016 09:50

I've read the op, and my reply again. No I don't think I'm to harsh at all. The language is horrible, one of the typos was clearly meant to be shit. Who talks about a four year old this way?

makingmiracles · 03/02/2016 09:52

Another step parent who thinks their Dc are supierer to their step dcs.....would you shut your own dc outside after a toilet accident in February? Just wow.

Walk away from your dp now if you can't cope with his "baggage"

Buttons23 · 03/02/2016 09:54

Don't you think op, your post sounds very harsh about your step children. If your step son is only 4 and having accidents/bad with eating that's nothing too bad. Many 4 year olds stuggle with going toilet.

Have you got your own children?

NerrSnerr · 03/02/2016 10:00

Why not get your partner to cook dinner and tidy up? Toys being out is part of parenting.

You cannot leave a 4 year old outside because they have had an accident. I'd be calling the police if I saw a neighbour do that.

If you don't want step kids then leave so you don't have them.

Catphrase · 03/02/2016 10:09

He's 4.
Whilst I feel your frustration, he's 4. There's also a big difference between a just 4 and an almost 5 in toilet training.
My 7 year old still has accidents, but because we don't make a big deal about it, he'll tell me. He feels bloody awful, you can tell. But we just deal with it, big cuddle, get on with the day. Punishing for it, does NOT work. He's probably not doing it on purpose.

Your going to give a 4 year olds toys away if he doesn't tidy them up?!
I think you need to try more carrots and less sticks like reward charts. If he's just 4 stickers will be the best thing in the world.

PaleBlueDottie · 03/02/2016 10:17

Your OP comes across as though you take massive offense to everything this child does. And perhaps in your mind this child is doing this on purpose to deliberately antagonise you. This is not what is happening.

You just don't like the child I'm afraid. Time to walk away

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/02/2016 10:21

I think you are a product of your up bringing. I think it is very strange that your parents bedroom was out of bounds to you as a child, fully prepared that others might have that sort of rule in their own home but still think that it is very strange. Dp and I are probably the same age or only a few years younger than your parents and couldn't imagine having off limits areas to dc.

Reading your op I think you have more personal problems than just your dss. I think you have issues about sharing your living space with anyone who doesn't conform to your ideal. You don't seem to have any empathy towards a little boy who has had his world ripped apart by divorce.

I get the impression you didn't think through the consequences of living with someone who has children and what that might mean.

RudeElf · 03/02/2016 10:23

Fucking hell! You'd put a child outside for having an accident until someone else can clean him up?

My son is 6 and still has accidents. I went fucking apeshit when i heard was being sent to his room for having them at his dad's. If they were sending him outside he wouldnt be going back.

Andthentherewasmum · 03/02/2016 10:25

You are not cut out to be a step parent. Walk away before you inflict psychological damage on the poor little boy.

Have you ever thought he says no to you because he doesn't like/fears you.

I feel very sorry for the little lad and hope his dad grows a pair and takes action.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 03/02/2016 10:30

I take it you haven't got your own children OP? It's quite normal for a 4 year old to not quite get potty training, and still have accidents. You sound very impatient with him, and seem to be intent on punishing him for things which are beyond his control. Your lack of empathy is staggering. And the remark about only cooking what you want to eat... I'd say you are too selfish to be in a relationship full stop, let alone be a step parent.

Lolimax · 03/02/2016 10:30

I'm a step parent and a parent. Not that either matters. What you have suggested and the way you feel horrifies me. I'm sorry I don't think you should be in a relationship with this man and be anywhere near his children. They are part of a package. Walk away now for the sake of the innocents here and obviously your sanity. Please.

Andthentherewasmum · 03/02/2016 10:47

I've just read your previous threads and cannot stress enough how important it is you remove yourself from the lives of these young children.

Your posts scream resentment and hostility. You seem to think that you should be praised for putting up with a difficult ex and tricky situation but it seems that you are fully contributing towards making that situation toxic.

The youngest child has speech issues and a SM who regards him with barely disguised contempt. That is a very sad situation.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 03/02/2016 11:10

Oh gosh. OP, you can't leave a little 4 year old outside for wetting/soiling himself :( I have a 4 year old little boy and the thought of sending him outside until his dad sorts him out.. no, I just couldn't do it.
Look, I know you're frustrated, and when you have no support and you're frustrated/resentful you get to point where you think of ways to claw back some control of your life (been there/still there now), but please don't send him outside. Tbh I don't think you would- I just think this is more about what you feel like doing rather than what you will actually do.
I came up with this idea in my head where I wanted to buy dsd a cheaper uniform than her brother's because we were skint and I was in the middle of a deep, dark point in my life. I didn't actually do it though, because my conscience stopped me.

Heavens2Betsy · 03/02/2016 12:04

OP why is your DP and his ex not doing anything about your DSS and his toilet training? Does it not bother them that he gets it on the furniture? Why is it down to you to clean him up? Your DP needs to start being a parent and stop leaving it to you to do.
From reading your other posts your DP sounds like an arse tbh, are you sure this is what you want out of life? Maybe its time to think of moving on from this whole situation.
I do get how you feel. DSS went through a phase of bedwetting when he was younger and it drove me mad. It always seems so much worse when its not your own child (shoot me down in flames if you like but its true!)

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FinallyHere · 03/02/2016 12:05

No offence, I can really see where you are coming from. The issue, however, is not a four year old's development trajectory but that you have become involved with someone who has DCs, that is dear children. Also known as defenceless dependents...

Best end it now, before everyone gets hurt even more. All the best.

RudeElf · 03/02/2016 12:09

OP why is your DP and his ex not doing anything about your DSS and his toilet training?

Please do not assume he isnt being trained. I started toilet training my DS aged 3 like his brother and he managed pees no problem but he just hasnt managed poos. I have been constantly trying to get him to ise the toilet. He knows he should, he hates being dirty, but still h has accidents. I notice there was a mention of a speech issue with OP's DSS. My DS also has speech issues and other issues. He is now (at almost 7) being assessed for autism and ADHD. It may not be a case of nobody trying to train the child.

Heavens2Betsy · 03/02/2016 12:21

I phrased that wrong - sorry.
What I meant was surely when an accident happens he should be cleaned up immediately and not left to sit in it on the furniture.
OP did say that they haven't toilet trained him so I was asking why this is the case.
IMO leaving a child (of any age in any circumstances) in poo-ey or wet pants is neglect. Accidents do happen and there are sometimes circumstances which mean it happens more often but there is no excuse for THE PARENT not cleaning it up. And I mean the parent - its not the step mums responsibility to do it all the time or suffer shit all over her furniture.

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