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Let the Skyfall...

(10 Posts)
HesNotAMessiah Sun 31-Jan-16 22:52:51

This is the end......

Hold your breath and count to ten....

And I'm at ten for the last time I think.

The big stumbling block I cannot get DP to see is the difference in our relationship between the week we have the DSC and the week we don't.

We go from a couple that sit naturally like hand in glove and spend all our time together to a chasm between us where DP is some kind of protective bubble for the DSC and nothing should be allowed to penetrate that bubble of safety, we never speak and I'm left on the outside looking in.

Sure, I get to cook, clean, tidy up - all the aspects of 'family life'. But I have little or no relationship with the DSC. They're all teenagers, with all the fun that brings. I also have no relationship with DP while they're here.

We've talked about it, apparently we would like the same things re behaviour, manners etc but when they're actually here, none of that happens.

We have agreed that DP will do the parenting, so I have no say in how the. DSC behave other than when I can't keep my mouth shut. And given the teenage thing, I'm not prepared to accept the language and some of the attitude in our house so maybe I cross the parenting line a little there with some short sharp 'enoughs'!

I have told DP this is how it feels , to be treated like a servant, to be no part of the family, and I get nothing but bemusement. Can't see the problem. Apparently I'm doing a great job.

Of housekeeper.

And it's now 6 years of this. DSC have gone from primary school to nearly fully functioning adults.

Tim e to just pack up and get a life?

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 01-Feb-16 00:11:56

I've felt like this. I would say ignore that parenting line, just say when you get ignored, make your own voice heard when DSCs are there. But I understand, a lot of parents don't know how to integrate their new partners, so just leave them on the outside and wonder why there's a problem. If you just stay in the background as housekeeper of course no one else has to adjust, just you losing any sense of self. flowers

Wdigin2this Mon 01-Feb-16 08:34:48

Hesnot, I really feel for you, it must be so damn frustrating! But, they are growing older and won't want to be spending so much time at home soon. You've weathered it this far, things must be pretty bad at the moment for you to be contemplating leaving?!

swingofthings Mon 01-Feb-16 10:23:27

I think you are dealing with different issues here.
The going from closeness with your OH to almost none, that's quite common. OH and I can spend a week hardly saying a word to each other do to various circumstances, but then we ensure we go away just him and I a few times a year and then it is only him and I and it is wonderful. We have both accepted that quality time between us is a treat, not something we expect from each other on a daily basis. So maybe the issue is a difference of expectation from your OH and you with you considering that it is more due than him.

Then there is the issue of discipline. I too have an agreement with OH that i do all the disciplining. I consider that it is my role and wouldn't want him to get involved, especially as we don't forcibly agree on some key aspects. HOWEVER, if my children were to do anything that really annoyed him, I would support him 100%. For instance, OH doesn't want them to invite more than one friend when we are not here. I think this is quite unfair on them, but he gets anxious about it, so these are the rules. Again, it's about compromise.

Then the last issue seems to be around chores. Why oh Why are you doing most of them? Again, the arrangement between OH and I are totally clear to that regards, every chores that relates to the kids are mine. It doesn't mean that OH won't do a thing or never help, but it is clear between us that it is my responsibility. OH does other chores around the house, but I cook, clean, tidy up after them (that is beyond what they are expected to do of course).

Maybe this is something you could focus on for a start, rewinding things and discussing your individual roles in the house, ie. you accept that every other week, he is a dad before a husband, accepting that you don't get involved in disciplining, but he has to respect that some things are essential for you, and most importantly, making it clear that you don't expect to do anymore the week they are there then when they are not.

HesNotAMessiah Mon 01-Feb-16 10:28:47

Just at the top of the cycle again.

The part that makes me feel so very alone is if I dare raise it, the response is always 'it's all about you isn't it?'

I try and counter that with no it's about US! And the impact DP's behaviour when the DSC are here has on the health of our relationship. But it just gets thrown in my face.

Have thought about booking a hotel for a few nights when the DSC are here to see if that keeps the lid on things, but I fear that might be an irreversible step.

Anyone tried that?

lunar1 Mon 01-Feb-16 11:32:03

Do you have them for a full week, every other week?

JapanNextYear Mon 01-Feb-16 11:37:43

I have really taken a step backwards from doing the stuff that made me feel like a housekeeper.

DH cooks for the kids when they are there or they cook for themselves, they go to the shop with him, if they leave dishes he clears them away.

I don't think he will ever understand why I'm doing this - not being the maid anymore - but it makes me feel so much better.

Eliza22 Sun 07-Feb-16 20:02:21

Your DH has allowed this to happen. It sounds appalling. So, you're allowed to be the housekeeper but have no say in the relationships in your own home.

I'd pack.

HesNotAMessiah Tue 09-Feb-16 08:21:26

Sorry lunar, yes. Week on, week off.

I think it's fair to say they have a 'less structured' life during the week they're away so the first day or so back is a bit of a battle.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:59:02

It's really hard OP. I'm not sure what the solution is, except that talking about it to my DP didn't change much either, but if I ACTED, as in, pulled a DSC up, or stepped back from housework, that made more of a difference. Although, fustratingly, I often just removed myself, either to my room or out for the day and evening - and was then accused of 'being difficult' - can't win!

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