your journey to becoming a family unit(6 Posts)
So I'm 7 months in to being in a relationship with someone who also has kids. (Well I have one, he has 2). I have spent time with his kids and he's spent time with my dd (not regularly but enough it's like we're not strangers). All of us together, perhaps 3 times.
I was just wondering how people with 'blended' (sorry I know loads hate that term) families have actually blended their families. How did you move your relationship between the two of you along and involve the children too so it feels a bit like a unit.
I know 7 months is still new, so I'm kind of thinking in the future what would work... If it helps, all kids are under 5
You are right 7 months is new so don't rush it. I'm 6 years down the line and only recently felt that it has all come together. Our dc are all secondary school age now.
The one thing I have learnt is that it takes time and its can be a long and bumpy road.
You are lucky that all the kids are very young so they will grow up knowing each other and you and your DP as a couple.
I'd say the most important thing is for you and DP to work together and treat all the dc the same and to compromise where necessary.
The only thing that works, whatever the speed at which you take things is to always discuss the next step. Talk about your expectations and your fear and agree on what is important. Don't move in together until you are sure you share similar values in regards to parental roles, disciplining, expectations of the children. Don't move in together until you are reassured that you share a similar attitude to money, spending and saving, and don't move in together until you are clear about each other's need for independence or being a unit as a couple. Then be prepared that however much you think you've got it sorted, there will be time when you doubt it all, but you'll need to be strong and trust your partner and accept that some things only get better with time as everyone settle to change.
We dated for 2 years, with the kids getting to know each other on holidays etc. We then moved in together and it took about 3 years to feel settled. Though there are still issues and problems. I do not think that ever changes.
Don't move in together for the foreseeable future....you need to go slowly introducing the families as a unit for at least two years, just to see if it has a chance of working. Most importantly, you really need to be sure you both agree on a parenting style, so that all the children will be treated exactly the same! Good luck!
He met my DC fairly quickly (about 2 months, I'm aware this is not approved by MN ). He moved in with me after 6 months. He made a huge effort with my DC so no real problems there.
His ex wouldn't let me meet his children so that took just over two years. Now we're another two years on and I've found a nice balance between making them feel welcome but following their pace as to what sort of relationship they want to have with me. I wouldn't say we're close but they occasionally tell me they love me or want me to read to them or cuddle up to me. I'm happy with that.
Step-sibling squabbles have been no different to sibling squabbles as we've been quite hot on finding the right boundaries.
My eldest is just teenaged and likes time alone so it's often DH and the younger three and then I look after the DC that DH and I have together.
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