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DP thinks DSD is here to see us both

(40 Posts)
NZmonkey Sun 24-Jan-16 04:36:45

Just trying to get other peoples thoughts. I think DSD is here at our place to see DP if she sees me too that's great because she likes me but she is not here to see me. DP thinks I'm wrong she has contact time at ours to see BOTH of us.

MuttonCadet Sun 24-Jan-16 04:40:22

I am a stepmum, and I agree with you.

If you and DP split up, would he expect DSD to have contact time with you? I doubt it.

Lovely that you get on. thanks

MistressMerryWeather Sun 24-Jan-16 05:15:26

That's a bit of an odd perspective TBH.

I assume you are in a serious relationship if you are living with each other? It would only be natural for your DP to want to create a family atmosphere for his DD.

So yes, she is there to see you too.

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 24-Jan-16 06:05:45

Well yes officially she's there to see her dad. If you're there then you can spend time together, if not then you'll see each other another time.

Does he expect you to plan your life around his DD being there? E.g. Say you wanted to go and meet up with a friend for lunch whilst dsd is at your house, would he pull his face because in his mind dsd is there to see you too.

swingofthings Sun 24-Jan-16 08:49:45

In theory, it is to have contact with the parent. In practice, it depends on the dynamics of the family, the relationship etc... It will be different for each family. Ultimately, surely the only person who can answer this question is the child, although of course, if wouldn't be fair to actually face them with it.

I can definitely say that I only went to my dad to see him, not my SM and not my SS (even if I got along okish with her). I am pretty sure my kids go to their dad mainly to see their half sibling, but also for the whole family rather than just their dad.

Blu Sun 24-Jan-16 09:01:25

So how is your DP letting his opinion play out? Disappearing and leaving you to do childcare for his kids? Wanting you to be around when they are? Thinking it might make them feel unwanted if you go away every single weekend they stay ?

FishWithABicycle Sun 24-Jan-16 09:17:30

So how is your DP letting his opinion play out? Disappearing and leaving you to do childcare for his kids?

This is the key question Blu

It also depends how much time DSD spends with you.

If you have a close to 50:50 care arrangement then I would think both you and DP share the time and effort close to equally between you (though perhaps him a little more than you) to be similar to how you would organise your lives if she lived with you 100% of the time. So fine for each of you to have other things going on so long as it's reasonably equal.

If it's just a 24hr visit once a fortnight I'd expect your DP to schedule nothing else for those visits and be fully there. I'd expect you to be there for the whole time more than half of the visits but being absent for a couple of hours to allow for 1:1 dad&daughter time is fine occasionally. I wouldn't expect 1:1 stepmum&daughter time unless the daughter really wanted it.

daftgeranium Sun 24-Jan-16 09:42:18

I think it's great that he has that attitude. My ex virtually ignored me when his daughter was about - it was as if I didn't exist. At least with your DP you have a chance of creating a family?

yankeecandle4 Sun 24-Jan-16 11:38:04

I think a lot of parents want to think this. They have found a new life with a new partner and want to recreate a new family unit.

In honesty it probably isn't true. It is great that you get on well with your DSD OP and that your DP sees you as a co-parent with him, but it is probably her dad she really wants to see. I grew up from a young age with both a step mother and step father. it was always my parent I wanted to see/pick me up etc.

wannaBe Sun 24-Jan-16 12:46:07

I think it depends on the arrangement tbh. If you are talking about a child being there "to see," anyone then it sounds more like the child is visiting than living there for any part of the time anyway. I don't consider that my ds comes here "to see" me because he lives here. We do have 50/50 however he comes here every night after school even on nights when he is staying with XH so in mine (and ds') view he lives here. I know that he does like to see my DP when he is here and they have a good relationship, but that is something that has developed on its own, if I felt the need to push it then I'm not sure the relationship would have been right for me anyway - iyswim.

I do agree with a PP that many people feel that their children will love their new partners plus step siblings plus any additional half siblings as much as they do, and ime seem bewildered when this doesn't happen.

Bluelilies Sun 24-Jan-16 16:40:54

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer really. It depends on the relationships and views of everyone involved, whether the DSC are "visiting" or living part time with you and yes, as pointed out above, it's what it means in practice that matters.

My DSC are all a bit different - I was away one weekend, and then the next weekend I didn't see DSS2 for various reasons, and actually the first thing he said when he came next was "I've not seen you for 3 weeks!" - he'd noticed I'd not been around, and worked out how long it was, and commented on it being unusual (DSC are normally with us every weekend, so don't usually go more than 5 days between seeing them). So I guess in his mind he does come to spend time with me as well as DH. DSD2 meanwhile usually heads straight to my DD's room when she arrives, to catch up with her, but will then come and cuddle up to DH with a closeness she doesn't have with me. And DSS1 heads straight for his room and his computer not really bothered about seeing anyone.

The only person who's very clear that they are only here to see DH is their mum. She always elects to have them back early if DH is going to be out, rather than have them stay til their usual time in my company. But then she isn't part of our household and I guess doesn't really have much of a feel for the relationships within it.

DinosaursRoar Sun 24-Jan-16 16:49:06

Agree with Blu - it depends what this means. If he's using it as an excuse to go out and leave you with her alone, or if he's stopping you from doing things alone you want to do on a weekend when she's visiting, then it's not on. If he's just saying "don't make plans to go away every weekend she's due here" he's got a point...

WhoGivesAFlying Sun 24-Jan-16 18:56:37

I'm with you NZ. It's great you all get along and it's nice for her to see you all as a family unit but the main purpose is to be with dad. I for one know my sc love me but I also know they appreciate the one on one time they have with him too.

NotCitrus Sun 24-Jan-16 19:01:40

Depends on the dsd's relationship with you - if the dsd has known you since babyhood, then your opinion sounds like rejection of a child that will see you as a parental figure.
If she's a teenager, then you're someone that lives with her dad and she's there to see dad, so very different!

YesterdayOnceMore Sun 24-Jan-16 19:02:08

Isn't it a bit like when you go and see your in laws/ they visit you. They are not really coming to see you, but it is lovely if you are there too because you are one of the family. Occasionally being out when they come round is ok, but if you wer to be out every time that would be rather sad and odd. If DH was out often when they came round that would be odd as well. And if you weren't really included when they came round, that wouldn't be nice either!

SevenSeconds Sun 24-Jan-16 19:11:08

Yes, I agree with Yesterday.

HairySubject Sun 24-Jan-16 19:15:31

I agree that they are there to see their dad but my exes daughter still stays at mine maybe once a week and often comes round for tea. In fact she spends more of her dad's contact time with me than him, her choice and is allowed to stay her by her mother also. I think it is lovely as her half brother and (ex) step siblings are here and they get on great. She is still part of our family even if her dad is not.

So it could be that she is there to see you both, especially if you are the one who actually does stuff with her, meets her needs etc when she is there.

WSM123 Sun 24-Jan-16 19:15:53

I agree, nice get along but she isn't there for you and you shouldn't have to be there for her. I know most reasonable females will end up with some kind of obligation of care (feeding them, keeping an eye on them etc) but you shouldn't have to. I have decided this year to step back, and if possible go out because I was getting all the crap jobs (sometimes literally) with none of the nice "lovey" stuff an actual parent gets. I have been on another forum with a feed "what would you like to say to your DP but don't" and not only is it hilarious, its soooo much of what I want to say and along similar lines to this.

ArmfulOfRoses Sun 24-Jan-16 19:21:40

Depends really.
If he's saying don't feel you have to make yourself scarce then great, but if it's him saying he's off out all day with his mates every time she's there then that's shit.

NZmonkey Sun 24-Jan-16 19:53:09

Thank you everyone for your replies. It has helped alot to understand where DP is coming from in his thinking and others have also summed up my thoughts.

I have been in DSDs (4yrs) life since she was two and she cant really remember a time before me. When she is with us we are a family unit. DP and DSD even like to sing the "we are family" song then list our names its very cute. I very rarely organise something that involves me not being with them on the weekends she is with us. DSD and i probably spend more one on one time with each other than her and DP do on the weekends.

Blu you summed it up with this So how is your DP letting his opinion play out? Disappearing and leaving you to do childcare for his kids?
The reason it came up with DP and I is that i wanted to go to the gym Sunday afternoon. I go Saturday and Sunday morning every weekend and have for the last decade (the one thing i will do when she is with us). This sunday morning i had to work for a few hours. When i got home DP went out for a bit while DSD and i did some baking. Her and i then went for a bike ride to the shops that he didnt join us on. After that they were watching a movie together so i thought id get my gym time in while they were having some time together but apparently it should wait till after she went home. It was only an hour and id be back before she left but DP got rather upset with me about it.

DontMindMe1 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:45:50

but he thought it was ok for him to do what he wanted/needed to do while you did the childcare, but it isn't ok for you to do the things you want/need to do whilst HE looks after his own daughter on his own?

CantWaitForWarmWeather Sun 24-Jan-16 21:13:37

Ah, just as I thought. You wanted to do something you enjoy, but according to him you can't because his dd is there.

ArmfulOfRoses Sun 24-Jan-16 21:17:09

So why couldn't whatever he went out to do wait until she wasn't there.
Do as I say, not as I do?

RudeElf Sun 24-Jan-16 21:26:58

Can he not spend an hour alone with her? You were with her all morning. An hour away isnt going to traumatise her. What was his logic? Can he not parent? Does he need you there?

NZmonkey Sun 24-Jan-16 22:11:39

I think that this time he truly felt i would be missing out on seeing DSD (or that DSD would be missing out on me) and that the one hour was really important and my gym could wait. Other times it is definitely that he prefers me there because it makes it way easier for him.
So why couldn't whatever he went out to do wait until she wasn't there.
I did ask this but apparently it was different hmm

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