Am I being unreasonable with ex and new partner?

(25 Posts)
eatingforonemore Fri 22-Jan-16 23:26:35

Bit of background - My DD has just turned one and is at nursery 4 days a week. After having her I decided to leave university and went to college at the beginning of September. I have been split for ex since the end of May and he met a girl who is on my college course at the end of June(total coincidence). It never bothered me and I'm very happy for him but since the beginning of December (when she moved in with him) things have drastically changed.

At the beginning of December everyone on the course went through to Edinburgh for the day and they were all happy for me to bring DD with me and so I did. I had a glass of wine with my dinner and the next day my ex had told me she had mentioned it and how she didn't think it was acceptable considering I had DD with me and that I really shouldn't have gone out all day in the midst of winter with her. This month I asked if he would be able to switch from a Saturday night to a Friday night due to a shift change at work. I ended up out last week on Friday with a few people from college for dinner and a few drinks and she posted something on social media about mums depending on dads to look after kids while they go out all weekend then recieved a message from her last night saying "hope you aren't planning any wild nights tomorrow" I flipped my lid and went over tonight and told them both that what I choose to do in my spare time is actually none of their business and vice Versa to which they told me I'm being completely unreasonable and out of line.

I honestly don't think I am and don't think she's been around enough to actually voice herself so strongly with me to the point where at times she's really offended me (me and ex bought same Xmas gift and she basically went off on one saying they couldn't afford to waste money on silly things). Am I really being unreasonable? Thought I would ask step mums!

Sunbeam1112 Fri 22-Jan-16 23:39:54

What you do in your own time is non of ur bussiness
My ex asked to changed contact as he was going on a leaving do. It wasn't a problem.It would be if it was every week. I would insist she keeps her thoughts to herself she sounds insecure.x

Sunbeam1112 Fri 22-Jan-16 23:40:19

Their'

clam Fri 22-Jan-16 23:50:45

Err, no, YANBU!

RudeElf Fri 22-Jan-16 23:56:00

I think she is massively over stepping a boundary. Even if she had been around for ten years i still dont think she gets a say on what you do in your own time! Is she a parent?

Friendofsadgirl Fri 22-Jan-16 23:56:14

Just wow hmm I've been with DH for 14 years and would never discuss his ex's social life or parenting either with her or on social media. YANBU!

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Fri 22-Jan-16 23:56:49

Wow! After dealing with a nightmare ex who would literally threaten us with NC if we couldn't have my DHs kids every weekend and it interfered with her plans (even though she never was and still isn't short of babysitters) you are definitely NBU!
Tell the nosey bitch to keep her mouth shut, sounds like a case of serious jealousy to me. Maybe she thinks your ex is still hung up on you but that is no reason for her to send you shitty messages. I'm angry for you!
You are well within your rights to tell her to FUCK RIGHT OFF

eatingforonemore Sat 23-Jan-16 01:02:45

She's not a parent but she is older than me by 5 years (I am 19 and she is 24) which annoys the life out of me as I feel she should be much more mature than this. I asked shortly after Christmas if he would mind chipping in half for a new buggy for holidays (was £250 in sales) and he told me that he would but he really couldn't be forking this kind of money out so often.

He has never been like this before, I know he is a wonderful father and DD always comes first for him but this girl feels like poison to me, she can be very manipulative from what I've seen in classes and she has made a few snide remarks in classes when I complain about being tired.

cannotlogin Sat 23-Jan-16 09:54:56

ah yes, the wonderful world of single parenting where everyone owns you and believes they could do it better.

Grow a thick skin. Block them both on social media. Ask yourself if social services came round now, would they have a problem with the way I am parenting my child...assuming the answer is no, carry on. You are entitled to a life, just as the ex is and just as his girlfriend is.

Smile sweetly and ignore digs in college - if you try to explain yourself, you run the risk of looking like you're justifying your actions and there will be other people, unfortunately, who believe that being a single parents means you must sit lonely in your front room on your own for the rest of your life, so just don't give her (and them) any kind of ammunition.

You should agree an arrangement over child maintenance and manage as best you can with this - this will reduce any kind of hold your ex has over you and stops him and his partner being able to say 'she is always demanding money'.

And I have to say it but £250 for a buggy in the sales for a holiday? by all means buy whatever you want to but expecting the ex to pay half of something for a holiday? are you going to pay half for a new buggy for your child to go on holiday with his dad?

eatingforonemore Sat 23-Jan-16 15:13:44

The buggy was also for his (probably should have expanded on that but he uses public transport and finds my Vista a nightmare on buses) but also at the same time for my family holiday.

We have an agreement without CSA and we also decided that everything would be 50/50 for car seats, school stuff, childcare etc

I do think a proper sit down with the three of us sounds like a good idea to discuss boundaries and stuff.

Andthentherewasmum Sat 23-Jan-16 17:03:08

I'm a step mum and there's no way I'd be expecting to have a sit down with DH and his ex! She's only been on the scene for a short while and doesn't get a seat at the table until they are at least married!!! This is to protect your daughter as much as keeping her out of you life. This woman could be parenting poison so would be on probation in my eyes. I think you are giving her way too much power by involving her like that.

Have a sit down by all means but just you and him. Make it clear you two are the parents and she doesn't get to interfere with than.

Strong boundaries now will help in the long run.

Andthentherewasmum Sat 23-Jan-16 17:05:45

Oh and she is definitely jealous. It's important that you keep that in mind so you know what's motivating her. She's obviously feeling insecure in the relationship and is looking for ways to discredit you in the eyes of her BF.

Remember this and keep the boundaries in place.

SiwanGwynt Sat 23-Jan-16 17:07:02

I think the danger of including her in your conversations with your ex, is that you are allowing her to think that she has a say and that her opinions matter. She sounds as if she is trying to bully you.

My ex asks me to have the kids on his weekends sometimes if he has a party to go to. I don't have a problem. We do not stop having a social life when we become parents.

I suggest keeping communication to do with your DD with your ex.

Friendlystories Sat 23-Jan-16 17:31:36

I'm a step mum and think she is a cheeky cow! I've always seen my role as supporting DH in parenting his kids and would never interfere with contact or maintenance arrangements unless my input was directly requested exW actually prefers to deal with me as she and DH often end up at loggerheads, I certainly wouldn't comment on her social life or expect to be present at meetings to discuss DSC and that's after being with DH for 15 years! I would speak to your ex and request all discussions and arrangements be kept between the two of you and try to find a way to suggest that he reins his GF in, that will need to be done carefully though or you may end up being accused of being jealous. Any more messages from her I would be inclined to respond to by saying 'that would be between me and exDP' or just not respond at all, you need to make it clear she's irrelevant in terms of decisions you and your ex make regarding your DD. Basically she needs putting in her place, try to keep it civil and get your ex onside by being diplomatic but you do need to make it clear that you and he are doing the parenting here and her opinion is insignificant.

Bluelilies Sat 23-Jan-16 18:47:55

That does sound difficult. I agree that she's being out of order. But what to do about it? I definitely wouldn't be sitting down with the 3 of you, as that's giving her the idea that she's some kind of equal parent to you and your ex. I wouldn't want to do that with my ex's OH, or expect to be included in conversations between DH and his ex.

I'd try and have a good honest chat with your ex, tell him how much you respect him as DD's parent, and think the two of you are doing a great job with DD. And that you're happy he's found a GF he's happy with who seems kind to DD, but that you feel she's unclear of her role and maybe your ex could help make expectations a bit clearer for her. Her role is to support him as a parent, when she's with him and DD. She may end up dealing directly with you on the odd practical matter but by and large shouldn't need to have any big discussions with you. If she's unhappy with the way you're treating DD she should discuss it with your ex, not you. But he should then tell her that it's really not her problem unless DD is really being neglected or something. Being with her mum who has a glass of wine with friends in a pub is not neglect, and you shouldn't feel you can't do that without being judged. And it's also quite normal and acceptable to jiggle DD's care between you and your ex so that you can both have a bit of a social life. A together couple would do that, so why shouldn't separated parents?

To be fair on her, she may seem old to you, but she's probably also an age when she's not had a lot of experience with friends having children and is possibly just a bit clueless.

The other issue I think you have is that you're at college with this woman, and seem to mix in similar social circles, so it's hard to keep your private life separate from hers. I'm guessing there's probably not much you can do about the college course, but if it's possible for you to hang out socially with slightly different groups of friends so you're not on top of each other so much, maybe that would help a bit.

eatingforonemore Sat 23-Jan-16 20:16:44

I do agree about the jealousy things - ex and I are very close still as we were best friends before we actually got together for about 9 years the together for 4.

Will definitely ask him to have a sit down without her then, probably at a restaurant so it's neutral ground.

I feel sad that we are also slightly loosing the friendship we have with each other as I think that's really important especially when parenting together.
DD is away at dads right now, mama is needing wine after drop off!

swingofthings Sun 24-Jan-16 09:02:21

Unfortunately, it sounds like she is not thinking highly of you. That's not a great start, but ultimately, she is entitled to her own opinion and thoughts. However, she has no right to impose these on anyone and certainly not to share them publicly.

On the other hand, you clearly seem to believe that the close relationship with your ex is going to remain no matter what. This is unlikely to happen as dynamics will inevitably change when he become committed to someone else. It is all about the right balance.

My ex and I managed to remain on good terms after our separation. We communicated well, and occasionally will get together for something relating to the kids. We still spent Christmas together with his family. All that changed the second he met someone else. What got to me is that it should have been more gradual as their relationship got more serious, but she imposed her law from the beginning and he wasn't prepared to challenge her, so what she said and demanded became what he said and demanded, which really annoyed me. It ended up with Ex and I having no communication at all except for essential things, which saddened the kids, but everyone adjusted to this change and things settled fine.

Wdigin2this Wed 27-Jan-16 17:07:10

Don't give her any say in your life, don't even speak to her if you don't have to! But whatever happens, she has no right to tell you how she thinks your life should be! She may be older than you, but she's obviously insecure, so just get on with stuff and ignore her!

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Jan-16 17:15:52

Don't allow her into the conversation with your ex! She's a new girlfriend, though she's probably calling herself a step mother to anyone who'll listen.

Do go out with him, though (if only for the look on her face when she finds out) and speak to him really seriously about this. Remind him of the great relationship you had and how important it is to maintain that. Ask him how he'd feel if one of your friends started to be critical of him every time he went out. Tell him about the snide remarks she made.

And block both of them on FB - what you do is none of their business now.

Piratespoo Wed 27-Jan-16 17:22:11

You are 19 and you have been with your ex for 9 years?!!!

BrianCoxReborn Wed 27-Jan-16 17:29:32

She's 19, was.with her ex for 4 years but have been friends for 9 years in total.

BrianCoxReborn Wed 27-Jan-16 17:32:55

My DP's ex has tried to throw her weight around in our relationship (she was the cause of the breakup, addiction and affairs) but DP has told her in no uncertain terms to mind her own business.

You need to be clear and firm. Keep the relationship between you and ex as civil as possible but also let him know that you won't enter into conversation about your child with her.

It would be different if they were married and you were all wanting to organise custody etc, but even then, it's taking the piss to be commenting on your social life.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 27-Jan-16 20:58:23

I agree with Swing.

It's all an adjustment for everyone at the moment. The boundaries are a bit blurred for all too. New gf may well be stepping over the line, and your easy, friendly relationship with the Dad will be changing too. I'd say try not to pour all your anger on new gf, keep balanced, say when things are out of love but don't start a big fight. Try and keep everything separate.

eatingforonemore Fri 29-Jan-16 01:15:20

We are going to have a sit down on Monday morning. We are going to a Starbucks in our city centre so we are on neutral ground and my mum has offered to take DD to nursery so will just be the two of us and we will have plenty time to discuss things.

lunar1 Fri 29-Jan-16 08:41:43

Really glad it will just be the two of you meeting. Hope it goes well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now