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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

DH 'comes alive' when his children are here...

12 replies

Fianceechickie · 22/01/2016 21:22

Does anyone else find that their DH/DP completely changes when his kids are with him? My DH has a tendency towards having low mood (history of depression though not depressed now as such) and a lot of the time is morose, monosyllabic, doesn't smile or say much, can be quite detached but when his kids come he totally changes...happy, smiley, joyful, joking, chatty, animated. Its starting to really get to me because the house can be so miserable at times and January is a pretty rubbish month anyway, I've been ill etc. I understand that he misses them a lot but really wish he could make more effort to be a bit sunnier for my sake and my son's. My son isn't the happiest chap to be around either (has Aspergers) so between the two of them it feels like a black cloud hovering for much of them time. Maybe I'm being unfair...I don't know.

OP posts:

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coffeeisnectar · 23/01/2016 00:14

Dp does change but generally he's a happy guy anyway. He tends to direct it all at his dd and forget the rest of us exist.

It must be difficult for you, I would try and talk to him. Or arrange for the three of you to do something one weekend, even if it's just going for a walk or to go out to eat.

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Wileycoyote · 23/01/2016 01:33

My do definitely makes an effort to be 'on' with his kids more than mine. Have you tried talking about it with him?

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Wileycoyote · 23/01/2016 01:34

I meant dp not do!

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Petal02 · 23/01/2016 08:37

DH used to morph into a Butlins-style entertainments manager when DSS arrived, it all got a bit false and very "Hi-de-Hi" (remember that?)

I found the uber-dad thing really annoying, but it did wear off a bit as DSS got older.

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ReallyTired · 23/01/2016 08:44

Is your son, his don or a step son?

I imagine that your partner desperately misses his other children and perhaps that is why he is depressed.

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Petal02 · 23/01/2016 08:56

I think the OP is saying that whilst she understands he misses his children, the difference in him is really obvious when they're around, making her feel a bit insulted that (a) he's not happy unless his kids are around; and (b) if he can make an effort for his kids, why can't he make an effort for her?

I used to accept that DH couldn't spend his whole life in "butlins red coat" mode (it would have been exhausting) but the marked difference in him, depending on whether DSS was around or not, used to upset me.

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swingofthings · 24/01/2016 09:06

That would really ring alarm bells with me. Is he actually happy with you? However much I can understand that he would be especially happy when he sees his kids, I would be concerned that he should be miserable at any other time. Do you ever get time alone just him and you? If not, maybe that's something to look into?

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Riderontheswarm · 24/01/2016 09:17

I think I would be very sad if my DC lived elsewhere whether I had a boyfriend or not. It must be very hard. Or maybe he is genuinely depressed and is just making a real effort for his DC so they aren't negatively effected whilst they are with him. It would be easier to pretend everything is okay for short periods like weekend visits than keeping it up all the time which might be why he can do it for them but not maintain the happy exterior for you.

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yankeecandle4 · 24/01/2016 11:33

I think if I only saw my dc once a week my mood would drastically change. However OP speaking as a child who had a SF like this, from your son's POV this really is not a nice way to live.

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WSM123 · 24/01/2016 19:18

Mine admitted to me that he feels guilty being happy when hes not with them, so when we are out having a nice time and he finds himself having a nice time he can then get a bit funny. At least now he has explained it I can understand it and not take it personally

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Fianceechickie · 24/01/2016 20:30

Thanks for your responses everyone. We did talk about it the other night and have done in the past as well. He said he's been really busy at work which he has and really misses them which I know. He was very reassuring in terms of how much he loved me and being with me but that he's not a very upbeat person. He's had counseling and the councillor basically said he should just accept that he's a moody person and not feel guilty which doesn't help me or my son. He is capable of being a happy person but it's almost always when its just me and him rather than me, him and my son and we do get quite a bit of couple time when my son is at his dads. I've been ill recently so I think I'm just feeling worse at the moment about it because I'm not positive as usual. I still think he could make more effort for me though.

OP posts:

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Fianceechickie · 24/01/2016 20:34

I think in a way he just doesn't want to accept that they don't live with him any more. I've posted before about how he has everything for them in the house so of you walked in to our place you would swear three kids lived here full time. I wonder if he kind of puts himself on hold sometimes until they're back again.