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(102 Posts)
Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 00:29:25

DH ex has gone NC with DSC because the choice was made
To live with us. Obviously cannot force her to have a relationship with her own kid and have to deal with the aftermath of a devastated teenager.
Anyhow the story being told to all ex wife's family and friends is that DSC actually did the abandoning, went NC and basically treated 'amazing mother' like shit.
It has come to my attention that certain friends and extended family members are annoyed at my DSC for this so called shitty treatment of 'amazing mother' (I say amazing mother because that is the persona created on FB etc to everyone else)
Again obviously I cannot stop them from approaching DSC if they pass in the street or anything and no doubt they will 'give a piece of their mind' (direct quote) and knowing my DSC this will be met by silence and tears. The fight to defend and tell the actual truth has been completely squashed by mothers disgusting behaviour.
So I suppose what I am asking is do I make sure these people know the truth before or after that happens?
I have screenshots, messages etc which back up everything but I don't want to seem like some psycho just out to stir shit because I'm not. But the thought of these people bollocking my DSC based on complete fabrication and twisted bullshit is right now making my blood boil confusedangry

LineyReborn Thu 21-Jan-16 00:35:03

Well I would calm down for a start. Stay off FB, have a decent sleep, and tomorrow think about how your DH is going to build some bridges.

Sorry you are so upset. It sounds very stressful.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 00:41:33

Nobody under our roof has any FB contact with the ex. This is what gets said by others and gets back to us. Her friends commenting to my associates about what evil bastards we are etc etc.
I'm angry because I am thinking of
How is the best way to protect my DSC. I cannot undo the damage done by this wicked woman, I cannot
Force her to love her kid. But I CAN make sure anyone who's likely to
bollock my DSC because they've fell for the web of lies know the the truth and therefore leave my DSC well alone. Even if it actually was the case they'd have no right sticking their noses in. But they would.
I've worked so hard with my DSC to help state of mind, school work etc but I refuse to let some busybody who's fell hook line and sinker for the exes spiteful lies ruin the progress so far. I will protect my DSC like my own DD and put quite simply if emotionally abusing a kid was punishable by jail the evidence I've got would absolutely secure a custodial sentence sad

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 00:41:56

and what do you mean by DH build bridges? confused

FrancisdeSales Thu 21-Jan-16 00:41:59

I would take the high road and not get involved.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 00:45:05

If that was an option believe me I would. But after many years of dealing with this woman and her minions I know what is going to happen. It's inevitable.
The only people I know of who don't believe her lies are family members who have actually witnessed her behaviour. And there are only two of them. I find it very sad and childish that not only does a grown woman blame her child for her hatred issues with her ex husband, that she also involves absolutely everyone and anyone who will listen. Can't even say she believes her own shit because the select few people whom she knows I have any connection with haven't been told the lies. They've been told diddly squat about why her child is no longer is her life. Because she knows that obviously they will ask me, and I will expose her as an evil manipulative liar

Pantone363 Thu 21-Jan-16 00:49:27

There's two sides to every story, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle

What does DH think?

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 00:51:43

Are you suggesting that I am lying to make the ex look bad?

lunar1 Thu 21-Jan-16 08:19:55

Nobody would question you like this if you were talking about a dad!

You are in a no win situation here. How old is your step child? I'm guessing teen from what you have said. I'd make it clear to them that if anyone confronts them it's ok to tell the truth. It's ok to say it was the mum that cut them off not the other way round.

Bluelilies Thu 21-Jan-16 08:20:44

If there's a couple of family members who know a bit more about it, and would believe you, could you or DH have a chat with one of them to explain what's happened and how you're worried, and see if they could talk to the others to at least make them realise it might not be as straight forward as DSD's mum is making out? It might come better from someone other than you or DH. Stick to some simple facts about what happened if possible.

I'd stay off social media about it, but worth remembering that some people write all sorts of crap on FB, but would be unlikely to accost a teenager in the street about why she isn't speaking to her mum. Sounds tough though. Poor DSD.

Optimist1 Thu 21-Jan-16 08:42:04

The sort of people who are likely to harangue a teenager about NC with her mother are not likely to accept that said teenager's stepmother is telling the truth, TBH.

The best you can do for your DSD is to talk through a few succinct replies she can give if confronted, and remind her that there's no rule against saying absolutely nothing and walking away if that suits her best. You're there for her to come to in the event she has to face such a confrontation.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 11:08:02

Firstly yeah I do agree that if it was about a dad he would be an absolute bastard and a waste of space.
I could try to speak to the people who know the truth although given the exes track record when someone has pissed her off I think they be unlikely to wanna get involved (think funny phone calls, rumour spreading, shouting in the street etc)
Luckily for me DSC doesn't have Facebook and doesn't want it so none of them contact her that way. I'm just worried sick that one day I will come back to hysterical tears and all
The pain dragged up AGAIN because someone who knows nothing but lies thinks they have stuck up for their 'friend' by telling her what they think. Chances are they will even stoop as low to repeat the horrendous lies that have been told about me and my DH which tbf if they sat down and really thought about it are obviously bull shit or the ex wife would be dragging this to court trying to prove we are unsuitable parents.
Grrrr such a difficult situation I really
Hope they see ME first rather than DSC and I will sing like a canary cos to be frank I have had enough. Not accepting your child's life choices is one thing, rejecting them is shocking enough but to then LIE and have people think it's your child's fault is absolutely unforgivable.
I think it's fair to say now she has lost any chance with the kid anyway (after being contacted several times and basically told to fuck off) but if this happens she definitely will have lost DSC because I obviously don't repeat everything that gets back to me, because that is unnecessary

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 11:19:05

If I did speak to any of them and they doubted what I said I can actually prove what I'm saying - I have photographic evidence and messages. It's bitter sweet though really because I can prove how terribly she has treated a poor child. I did seek legal advice and to stop lies and other things being written about us could have taken it further but it would have cost money which I can't justify spending on the ex wife. Because she's cost us enough already (long story)

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 21-Jan-16 12:36:51

I wouldn't add fuel to any fire. At the moment it sounds very emotional. I think your DSC is going to need stable, neutral parenting from you. It's a huge thing to go Nc. One of my DSCs did similar, came to live with us, angry with mother, not quite no contact, and then did similar to us, went back to mother, ignored us for a while. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but they will learn from your example. If you exposed stuff that would be letting your step child think that war is helpful, it isn't and she may well still have a lot if confused affection for her mum. Give her the time to work this out for herself. As for gossips, totally ignore them.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 12:45:28

Thanks for your advice. Gossiping doesn't actually bother me - just keeps me in the loop so I'm prepared for whatever backlash I may receive.
However I KNOW that if one of these 'concerned friends' were to tell my DSC what an 'absolute state' her mum is, how much she is hurting because of how she's been treated etc that it would severely damage the progress we have made so far sad
WE tried encouraging the ex wife to do the right thing, we allowed DSC to contact the ex wife whenever asked, we never ever tried to cut her out. But basically she is saying live with me or be out of my life for good. There was some going back and forth and ultimately DSC decided our home was where was happiest. It's bloody awful but I think what the fuck is wrong with this woman. She knows her behaviour is wrong otherwise she wouldn't have lied to her friends about it and blamed her kid would she. No doubt if they had any inkling of the actual truth they wouldn't say a bad word to my DSC sadhmm

LineyReborn Thu 21-Jan-16 12:58:27

Ah, apologies OP, I see you and your DH have tried to communicate with ExW. She sounds a bit like a 'toxic mother' with her 'flying monkeys' that I've read about on the Relationships board.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 13:10:52

Toxic is absolutely the only word I can use to describe her. My DH divorced her over a decade ago, and she STILL is hell bent on making his life difficult. How her DP looks at it is beyond me - I honestly believe she lies to him and has told him that my DH has always started the issues. Because if he knew the truth there is no way he could have any sanity or self respect and still be letting her drain his wallet every month (he's a meal ticket fiancé but that's not my problem)

LineyReborn Thu 21-Jan-16 14:21:50

I'm not sure situations like this ever get resolved tbh. There's too much pain, and too many versions of reality floating around.

I think in the end you just need to do what you're doing, helping your DSD's self-esteem in the usual ways (listening, supporting, taking an interest in the small things) and hope that the good days outweigh the unhappy days.

Advice that I've found useful is always to ignore the flying monkeys, and any goading from everybody.

Also can you help your DSD come up with some 'tools for the job', e.g. phrases to use if accosted. Things like, 'I absolutely will not discuss my private business with you,' or 'I'm sorry you feel like that but my view is different. And it's private.' (Followed by walking away.) It'll still be upsetting, but she can learn to close it down - and it is her private stuff. Her life doesn't belong to friends and extended family - it belongs to her. You can help her learn to own it.

Best of luck. It's a tough one.

swingofthings Thu 21-Jan-16 17:52:25

You clearly hate her, so frankly, I don't think you are in a position to get involved to make things any better for your DSC. I expect like all step-children, what your DSC wants more than anything is for everyone to get along and stop being horrible to each other so your attempt to defend them might not actually be received as a thankful act.

Where is the dad is all this? Surely if there is one adult who should be responsible to make sure DSC is equipped to deal with their mother's behaviour, it should be him.

wannaBe Thu 21-Jan-16 18:26:58

How old is your DSD?

Tbh, if you get involved then it will turn into a competition of he said/she said with a child thrown into the middle. And if you get too involved then DSD may feel that she can never go back to her mum's (and there's every chance that at some point she will go back,) out of loyalty to her dad. Or she may even feel that she is in the middle of parents who are bickering over her - it's never a pleasant place for a child to be.

If the adults on FB actually approach her in the street and say something then you can reassure her that adults who need to be aggressive usually have their own insecurities to deal with and saying something says a lot more about them than anyone else. And then leave it at that.

It's natural to want to react, but no good can ever come of it.

cansu Thu 21-Jan-16 18:41:21

May be wrong but I think I have read your threads before about this situation and they all seem to be a variation on the same thing which is basically ranting about your dsd mother. Every time loads of people come on and tell you to calm down and stop fuelling the situation. You aren't really doing anyone any favours getting involved in a blame game on Facebook.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 18:57:41

First of all I'm not relating this to any other thread. This is a new problem which has arisen in the last few days.
Nothing said on FB which gets back to me is repeated in front of any of
Our DC so they do nt know.
However this isn't about the ex wife. If it was I'd be ringing her and telling her exactly what I think.
This is about other people, who actually think they have a right to stick their noses in anyway, potentially having a go at a teenager in the street telling them how bad their behaviour toward their mother is. Which would annoy me even if that was the truth because they still have no right to
Stick their noses in. But the fact that it is based on LIES and will undo the good that has been done makes this situation much worse.
For those who think my OH should deal with this - we are a family unit. The fact his ex wife hasn't driven him to absolute insanity is a miracle, I am not going to be told by anyone that I cannot protect my family. The ex wife hates me and my OH equally so wouldn't make any difference.
This post was about protecting my DSC. Imagine walking down the street and having someone bollock
You in front of your mates for something you haven't done. Aside from the upset of having to defend oneself then being made to feel like the bad one because your 'mother' is crushed/devastated/dead inside whatever phrases have been used. It's not fair and given how awful the situation is, it couldn't get any worse really unless busybodies stick their noses in like I suspect they will do.
If you'd been through what I have then you would hate the ex wife as well - I've seen her hurt my OH over and over, behave appallingly in front of my own young kids and absolutely annihilate a teenager whom I love very much. So if anyone's of the opinion 'but she's the mother' tbh I'm not interested. Because she gave birth does not give her the right to keep that title forever. A mother is so much more than just the woman who carried the pregnancy.
Protecting my family as far as I am aware is not a crime I was asking advice on how to deal with the busybodies not the ex wife. I've given up trying to reason with her

Maybe83 Thu 21-Jan-16 19:05:33

I ve read your numerous other threads and agree it's like adding fuel to the flame and the drama of it.

Do nothing. People talk gossip, why drive further? If anything happen your dh should address it directly with the people involved.

Stepparentbashersfuckoff Thu 21-Jan-16 19:15:09

Why are people obsessed with the step parent not having any input?
I will be quite honest the reason why I tend to deal with things is because I'm much more level headed.
And I've been around for ten years. The ex wife used to actually coerce with me more than my DP. Then decide I was a nobody wen it suited her. I am not a nobody, and she doesn't decide when I am or am
Not.
Regardless of her, these people will become a problem because I've been told of their 'supportive comments' on FB. And what's worse is she doesn't even care about letting them chastise her kid based on her lies.
FWIW Cahms the GP and school have all said that I am doing a fab job with DSC and that the fact I am
Willing to do everything a mother should is great. Frustrates me even more than people seem to add their two penneth regarding previous threads. My DH would happily deal with these people, but they already think he is violent based on yet more lies and another police involvement we could do without. Because they seemingly don't prosecute anymore for wasting their time! hmm

Maybe83 Thu 21-Jan-16 19:40:42

Is your dsd on Facebook? If not then the likely hood of her finding out is pretty slim.

So when she s already in such a difficult emotional situation why pile more on her plate? It doesn't need to be addressed with her. How do you even know about the Facebook posts?

They really aren't your concern. You can't control somebody else's shit behaviour. Knowing about and monitoring her mams behaviour isn't for her benefit but is clearly enraging you.

You can control your response, which mine would be to ignore.

Have you a family therapist? If so why don't you discuss with them how the best way to protect your dsd from such negativey?

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