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Partner seems protective of son-any thoughts?

(8 Posts)
GenuineDad123 Wed 20-Jan-16 10:08:31

Hi,
My partner of eight months has a young boy toddler. She was keen for me to meet him initially. I've met him a few times now, he's a very polite well mannered boy. However, my partner now seems to have created a barrier between me and her son. She has on a few occasions got angry about things i've said/done when we've all met.
Its put me off to be honest. It seems like she is trying to protect her son from the truth, things that he will find out over time anyway. This includes things like her not liking me showing her son photos of my daughter. She has always spoke very highly of her son (understand that-i have seven year old daughter). Sometimes its felt like I have a lot to live up to. Its also sometimes feels like she is waiting for her son to accept me then we can move the relationship further. That she holds her son in high esteem. Before we met, my partner, her son and her ex had all been on holiday together. I found this difficult to understand (but accepted it was before we met), the ex used to put the son to bed in her house. They still share/part own material items like car/house/phone service, and generally their appeared to be confusing boundaries.
So my main concern is that her son won't accept me as he might still think the father is with his mum, that the way his mum has acted when weve met that its given him the wrong impression of me, and she won't allow me to fully interact/be myself with her son without stepping in, and that she hasn't moved on and got over her ex.
Any advice appreciated.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 20-Jan-16 11:47:53

Yes I do think you have moved into a situation where you gf hasn't separated enough from her EX and isn't sure if she is ready to move on. But she may just need a bit of time and patience to get over those hurdles. Or she may be not sure about your relationship. Time for an honest chat!

My DP also had some similar traits with his EX, she still had a key to his house! And tbh I was also very cautious about introducing my son to future boyfriends. Most people have left over habits with EXs and children that are closed to future relationships and it is only by being in a serious relationship that wakes us up to these things!

But confusing boundaries are a real killer in relationships. I didn't realise how much my DPs loose boundaries would damage us. I still have the after effects, his EX greatly resents me because I didn't like her still treating my DP like a husband. The kids didn't accept me very well because they were made to feel that nothing should change for them at all. So think about whether you want to accept this in your future, or whether you want to expose your own child to somewhere that she may be made to feel an outsider?

GenuineDad123 Wed 20-Jan-16 12:16:24

Thanks. Yes its confusing. She is really warm/genuine tbh. Her ex cheated on her so do understand.
Its like there is two separate relationships going on at times.
Partner is very warm towards my daughter.
I'm cautious about moving ahead with this relationship & introducing my daughter to her son as I want to have another visit when its just me and partner with her son to see how she reacts again.
Yes confusing boundaries. What's right for one person isn't right for the other etc. Really does feel like partner is trying very hard to protect her son from upset and the fact her and ex have split.
Yes you could be right, a bit of time needed.
Man Thanks

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 20-Jan-16 13:47:09

Personally I think confusion is damaging to children, who always know more than we think!

Sometimes, fear of the future can make a person clam up and put up barriers. Do you think this is happening?

GenuineDad123 Wed 20-Jan-16 14:52:10

Yes her son picks up on things.
It could be fear of future. Ironic as it was partner who wanted to move ahead with meeting children.
I think partner is still hurting (understandably so) from break up with ex. Its apparent she has tried hard for ex to see son more, has put effort into contact, overlapping in dropping/picking son up, nursery parents evenings, football practise etc. Things have got easier, we've talked about it. It could all get easier with time.

Do you have a similar situation?

swingofthings Wed 20-Jan-16 17:58:33

I think she is holding back wanting to take things much slower than you in the commitment department.

WSM123 Thu 21-Jan-16 19:18:30

she isn't ready...... I would back off, let her get her stuff sorted, move out or set prober boundries with her ex and then go from there. Make sure you explain its not the end of the relationship just some space or she will feel rejected

Vaginaaa Thu 21-Jan-16 20:58:03

It sounds like maybe she has regretted introducing you so soon. I had a similar situation where I introduced my dc to someone and ended up not really liking the situation. Nothing extreme or dramatic happened, I just needed to take it back a step because it felt like the partner got too comfortable too fast. That's all this might be so I wouldn't worry too much about the ex.

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