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Really interested to hear from Mums, Stepmums, anyone who shares access to DC

(119 Posts)
Lyrasdust Mon 18-Jan-16 12:29:49

Could you look at the following examples of communication and say if you think they are unnecessary communication between parents. In other words the person sending them is just trying to initiate contact with the other adult. Also if they could have been left until another time like pick up/drop off.

A text message at 9.33am to say DD is off school that day with a bladder infection

A text message to say school shoes haven't come home with uniform that weekend. Sent at 8pm the day after contact

A phone call to discuss booking a holiday involving potentially missing contact in November of this year.

A text of a video of child taking part in a grading of a musical instrument.

A phone call to discuss making a parents evening appointment

A photo text of child dressed up in fancy dress for a party.


Purposely not said which side I am coming from.

SoupDragon Mon 18-Jan-16 12:32:47

They all sound perfectly reasonable to me (a resident parent)

Personally wouldn't bother with norifying a single day's illness unless it somehow impacts on the other parent but I don't think information about a child's health is unreasonable.

Fuckduckcluck Mon 18-Jan-16 12:36:42

They sound like the messages me and exp exchange. Wouldn't say it's unnecessary, maybe the days illness. Like soup said.

whatdoIget Mon 18-Jan-16 12:36:45

It sounds reasonable to me too, also resident parent. I used to tell the nrp about absence from school for sickness, but I don't bother now, because the nrp seems quite happy to not have any contact at all apart from eow, no phone calls, nothing, so I cba doing any extra.

notenoughbottle Mon 18-Jan-16 12:37:06

They sound like the parent is making an effort which should be appreciated by the other.

lunar1 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:37:29

Sounds like a healthy relationship between two parents of a child.

LabRat72 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:37:43

I'm a stepmother to a 20 year old & my husband's ex would and has sent many messages like these very frequently.
I'm pretty sure she doesn't want them to get back together & I think most if not all of those messages are pretty valid reasons for contact. Maybe the November holiday doesn't need discussing yet but it'll need discussing at some point.
My husbands ex also contacts him when her car won't start, while she is ill, when she's bored, when she knows we're on holiday (these texts/calls are always lies about my step child), many many times. Those contacts annoy me immensely but stuff about the child doesn't. My husband wants to be involved in his child's life (obviously) and do things like pics of fancy dress and the musical instruments stuff is obviously something he'd want to see.
So, in short, texts & calls about the child or about arrangements for the child are fine. Other stuff maybe not but your examples are all child based.

LabRat72 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:38:41

10 year old!! Message about a 20 year old would be weird!!

RudeElf Mon 18-Jan-16 12:40:12

Im a RP and they all sound fine to me. Like what i would send to EXP

Fiddlerontheroof Mon 18-Jan-16 12:41:19

All completely normal and sound like the things I sent to ex until his wife (ow) insisted he block me as she considered my somewhat infrequent texts about the kids harassment .... Sigh. I'm only allowed to telephone now which is a PITA

Maybe83 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:42:35

All reasonable to me and mgs I exchange with my ex who I have shared care of dd with.

Lyrasdust Mon 18-Jan-16 12:47:27

Fiddler, has hit the nail on the head!

I am RP. All the texts were sent by me. Ex has communicated to me that he feels them unnessesary and he and partner feel I am being intrusive. He said all of them could have been communicated at drop off or pick up. He knew shoes were at his, I didn't need to tell him. He also doesn't feel video/photo messages are needed as he has his own opportunities to see kids doing things.

After the initial shock of thinking wtf I just wanted to feel the waters and see if maybe I am being intrusive. DH says if he doesn't want any communication regarding those things then all the better for me. But perhaps it could be intrusive. Ex said the shoes text at 8pm was particularly intrusive as they were out to dinner and his partner was annoyed that I had text. Can't see what else I could do though, tbh I was hoping he would return the shoes in time for school the next day.

Lyrasdust Mon 18-Jan-16 12:49:33

Sorry meant to say Fiddler is right, ex has asked for no contact unless emergency. All dates for holidays etc can be sorted over email during the working day (his words).

Re parents evening, I was seeing what day, time slot was easy for him. He said I should just make the appt and he will tell me if he can come or not.

whatdoIget Mon 18-Jan-16 12:57:23

He sounds like a dick and so does his wife. It'll be his loss in the end. My ex is always really chuffed to get picture or videos of our ds. I'm lucky though in that his new partner is perfectly reasonable, nice, and normal.

RudeElf Mon 18-Jan-16 13:13:32

Well he's said he wants no contact so take him at his word. This means he will have to wait at your door at drop off whilst you check he has returned all belongings. It will mean he will have to arrange his own parents' evening slot. Nor will he know about holiday arrangements until they are imminent.

fidel1ne Mon 18-Jan-16 13:18:12

What a shame. Doesn't he want easy communication and pictures/videos of his DD in fancy dress etc? I bet he does. It's so much nicer for everyone if everyone just bites their lip and stays sensible.

LBOCS2 Mon 18-Jan-16 13:34:41

I think they look fine. DH would LOVE to receive this sort of update from his ex about DSS. As it is we have to stalk her via various forms of contact to get answers to fairly basic questions.

nailsathome Mon 18-Jan-16 13:40:05

I'm RP too and both exH and I send messages like that all of the time. I would be totally shocked if he said he didn't want videos/photos etc.

What will you do now?

SlinkyB Mon 18-Jan-16 13:41:31

I'm a step mum and think those texts are perfectly fine, and actually think it's lovely of you to text photos/videos. My dh's ex tells us nothing (we find out about sickness via a school portal/log-in) although dss is 16 now so not so much of an issue.

I wish more RP's were like you; and your husband's partner sounds like a selfish controlling dick, who gives stepmums a bad name.

bluebell8782 Mon 18-Jan-16 13:45:40

What weirdos! We could only pray for communication like that!

StepCatsmother Mon 18-Jan-16 13:45:51

I'm going to offer a slightly different point of view just as a thought.

I agree that if the texts are worded as you say above and really do represent what you are contacting your ex about then yes, that's all normal child-related stuff that separated people need to communicate about.

However, I think the frequency of these sort of texts is relevant. If things like this are coming up multiple times daily, you can see why it could be felt as intrusive. If there are things coming up on a daily basis, then you can see where the argument that future things should be dealt with at handover comes from.

Whilst NRP's should be involved in their children's upbringing and keep as on top of this as possible, you can't forget that there are now two different households involved and the communication about it needs to be managed in a way that works for both of them in so far as is possible.

[I admit I'm probably a little jaded on this subject as DP's ex texts on average about 4-5 times a day, plus emails, plus phone calls, and initially I found that quite hard to accept].

StepCatsmother Mon 18-Jan-16 13:47:44

Oh and (apologies for multiple posts) I only mentioned about being sure that's what the texts were like because I'm sure that's exactly how DP's ex would describe the messages that she sends. In reality, those messages are there, but there are plenty of others which stretch the definition of 'child related'!

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 18-Jan-16 13:52:35

He sounds like a dick and so does his wife. It'll be his loss in the end.

This. smile

I hate hate hate my exP and his stupid, stupid new wife, so I've gone the other way and now just don't tell him anything. But that's immature (of me) and your way is better. It's a shame your ex sees it differently.

I think I'd be tempted to take him at his word and communicate noting from now on, even if it inconveniences him. But like we've already covered, I'm immature.

MeridianB Mon 18-Jan-16 13:53:17

OP, it all sounds totally reasonable to me.

Does your Ex really feel this way or is this just about his very insecure and jealous new GF? Either way I guess it doesn't matter either way as the outcome is the same. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

As others have said, it's his loss. They both sound shallow.

His GF is lucky - she could be dealing with my DH's ex, who makes Saddam Hussein look reasonable.

Claraoswald36 Mon 18-Jan-16 13:54:19

The texts look fine to me but co parenting is delicate. I see both sides. I have greatly reduced how much I contact/share with exh but I will tell him about illness. Dp exp IMO over shares about mundane things then goes very quiet when he/we want to discuss/arrange increasing contact. But she is a bit self serving.
I would love emergency only contact with exh - I can't stand him grin

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