Am I being dramatically unreasonable?(46 Posts)
If I am, do tell me - I'm so far out of my comfort zone I've no idea what's normal and what isn't!
DP has unexpectedly been away with work the last couple of nights which means he missed his night with his DC yesterday. He tells me today that, because of that, he'll (we'll...!) be having them tonight as well as tomorrow (we have them every Friday night) which means him going straight from work to take them to their various sporting clubs and be back home around 830-9pm.
I'm a little peeved on a number of fronts.
Firstly, I'd like to think he would discuss it with me rather than just tell me. We have only been living together a short while, though.
Secondly, he's been away from me all week and we'll have the children tomorrow, would it be so unreasonable to have tonight just us? I completely understand that he wants to see his children asap (in reality I don't understand as I don't have any myself, but I'm trying to understand) and he'd be a pretty rubbish person if he wasn't bothered that he missed seeing them yesterday but...well...I'm just feeling a little put out that I'm sat on my own again.
Thirdly, I've got to be on the road by 6am tomorrow so I need a relaxed evening and an early night. I'm likely to be going to bed around the same time as the DC (I know, I'm VERY cool) which is never a relaxing situation and often involves raised voices for a lot longer than necessary. Hardly ideal 5am alarm preparation.
DP doesn't see my issues and thinks I'm being difficult. Am I?
he's been away from me all week and we'll have the children tomorrow, would it be so unreasonable to have tonight just us
You are an adult yes? Are you dependant on him for some caring needs?
They are his children, surely you realised that him missing contact would mean he had to make it up another time? And because they are his children he will have missed them and they him and so of course they'll all want that to be sooner rather tha later.
He needs to work on a relaxed bedtime though. Shouting isnt good.
In the nicest possible way I think you are bu, They are his dc and they come as a package.
If you have only been living together for a short period of time and already you are feeling put out by having his dc there I would be asking myself if I really wanted to carry on the relationship. Having Children can be very unpredictable and you can not set family life in stone, things happen and plans change.
He sounds like a good dad who is making up to his children the fact that he could not have them over night last night.
They will always be part of his life and will/should always come first.
Why are there raised voices if you go to bed at the same time as the children? Who will be shouting and why?
Sorry but YABU , this is part and parcel of a relationship with a man with children .
DH has to consult me about who will be under our roof. I have never said no to his kids and never would (obviously) but it's important that he recognises this this is my home.
I think the kids have greater need of him and sadly taking a back seat is part of being a step-parent.
As for bedtime, that needs sorting out. It's not unseasonable to point that out.
Yabu. It's one extra night. He has missed his kids.
Yeah, YABU, I'm afraid.
Perhaps mentioning to you that his DC would be staying an extra day before he agreed it with his ex but it would just be a courtesy, I can't see a situation where it would be right for you to refuse.
This is life with children, and it's harder with stepchildren, perhaps it's not the right one for you?
Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I always think dsd is more important than the rest of us. Dh is not with her full time, he misses her and she is welcome 7 days a week. It was hard at first but I was an adult and her a child, she comes first in my eyes and I love her company.
Thanks everyone, this is all pretty new so other opinions help.
RudeElf I'm not dependant on him for caring needs, no - that came across way needier than I intended! I've just missed him and am feeling it.
MTPurse They're 12 and 9. I don't object to them being here at all, I enjoy it when they're here and they're sweet boys. But they won't actually be here. He's watching their football training which doesn't finish until 8pm then driving the 30 mins back at which point it will nearly be bedtime. If they didn't have sport tonight then I would totally understand seeing them tonight as they would get to spend time together, as it is they will get an hour or so at most. But I'm not thinking like a parent....
ImperialBlether Bedtime gets a bit shouty because they like to prevaricate, DP doesn't handle it very well and the shouting starts (him and them). It's not because I'll be going to bed at the same time, it's just that I'll be trying to get to sleep while the raised voices are happening.
But noted, I'm BU. This is harder than I imagined....
Yep sorry - his children will be looking forward to Daddy - that said he should have asked you first to check any plans as he's changed the arrangement - maybe agree to Friday or Sat night instead. It's thought less but his heart is in the right place
FWIW, I already had two of my own and I also found step parenting way harder than I imagined.
It would be reasonable to point out that you're going to bed and would appreciate noise being kept to a minimum.
as it is they will get an hour or so at most. But I'm not thinking like a parent.
Yup, thats parenting. Sometimes it isnt "quality" time but its family life. Some evenings i collect my Dc from childminder at 6, bath them, give supper and story and they are bed at 7. It can be stressful and i might shout a bit It sucks but early starts mean early bedtimes and there are other evenings we spend lots of "quality" time. He is being a good parent. Rather than opting out of the boring parts he is just getting on with them.
I'm afraid the kids come first OP. What he is doing with the sporting clubs is called parenting.
We have to do it too, much as we'd like to not ferry them around and relax at home instead. That's what parenting is like. They are the priority, while smooching on the sofa comes after. Sorry!
I bet the dc are really looking forward to their Dad watching them play football and I'm sure he is too especially if he doesn't normally get to watch as it is is their normal night with their mum.
Thanks everyone, really
He's got a lovely relationship with them and that's part of what makes him a lovely man; I'll stop giving him a hard time
I'm used to the 'selfish-ness' of not having children so I obviously need to be aware of that.
You're an adult. Just get on with your life and let him get on with his. No need to get involved with the bedtime, take yourself off to bed and make it clear you're going to sleep and expect everyone to respect that when bedtime comes.
Step parenting is hard
If he was called away unexpectedly does that mean he is usually home with you during the week? It's understandable that he'd want to have today as well as his usual tomorrow because he'd missed out on his usual Wednesday. It's not just you who's missed out on some quality time with him - his children have also missed their day.
That being said, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask everyone to keep the noise level down to a minimum when you go to bed because of your early start. To be honest, after 9pm I don't think there's anything wrong with asking anyone to keep the noise down even if you are going to bed when and you don't have anything planned the next day.
Whilst it's ok to arrange to have them on different days when he's off work as he will presumably be looking after them/spending time with them, I don't think it would be ok (in the future looking ahead as this is a relatively new relationship) to arrange days for his children to be there whilst he's at work and you have to look after them.
So imo there may come a time where he should as you if its ok.
I'm a step mum. Before I had my DD I used to feel the same way you did. Unexpected nights with the DSC threw out my routine and impacted on my 'couple' time with DP. I do understand how you feel and why you feel this way. It's normal for someone in your position.
Without wishing to come across as patronising, I only really got it when I had my DD and realised how shit it must feel for DP to be apart from the DSC. He'd rather see them over spending alone time with me and that's totally fair enough IMO.
You do need to adjust your expectations I think. And realise it's not all about you (meant nicely!)
winterchill yep he's usually here with me during the week, and the four of us together on a Wednesday and a Friday
baby thank you, not patronising at all! My sister says the same, not having DC of my own does make the whole thing harder for me to understand.
Andsoitbegins88 I have lots of same situations at home too. When his kids come here for some extra days for whatever reason, he never discusses anything with me uprfont. The kids come first for the partners and there is nothing even to discuss with us, we are here to accept it. Thats how most men think I guess:/
The kids come first for the partners and there is nothing even to discuss with us, we are here to accept it. Thats how most men think I guess
Any responsible parent will put their dc first
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