determined to have a good weekend.

(25 Posts)
Neverenuff Fri 08-Jan-16 17:08:25

So this is the first full weekend we will have had the kids this weekend. I am determined to make it through without getting stressed out or wound up.

Normally before they come I like to clean and tidy get the house in order before they come then I usually get pissed off because I knocked my pan in trying to get it clean for them. Not this weekend. My house is clean anyway so ive bothered about doing a major clean. That way when it gets messy / dirty it doesn't matter as it will need doing on Sunday anyway.

Also if I get ignored by either of the kids I'll say to dp and let him deal with it. I'm going to try and not let it get to me.

It's dsds birthday too so going to try and make it a good one for her too.

I am a highly strung person naturally so going to really make an extra bit of effort and remember the kids didn't ask for things to be this way and I'm the adult.

Sorry to go on. But hopefully by looking positively it will all be ok. Xx

Neverenuff Fri 08-Jan-16 17:08:53

First full weekend this year I mean.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 08-Jan-16 18:21:04

Good luck!

It's a good idea taking a step back from tidying and plan other stuff if you are ignored. I used to get wound up by the state of the bathrooms by DSCs, but now I clean them AFTER they have stayed, not before and just expect a bit of mess. Easier that way!

Neverenuff Fri 08-Jan-16 22:05:51

Definitely although now I'm being unreasonable because I think kids should be in their bed at 10pm.

Wdigin2this Sat 09-Jan-16 11:57:28

Who is saying you're unreasonable...kids or their DF?

swingofthings Sat 09-Jan-16 12:20:26

Surely it is for their dad to decide what is reasonable bedtime? Along with him dealing with them of course as not your responsibility.

Neverenuff Sat 09-Jan-16 17:41:02

Both think I'm unreasonable.

And yes it's up to my dp when's a suitable bed time but surely as its also my home I have a say. The kids can be really nippy and after 10 I just want them in their room. So I can watch grown up tv and films. I don't think that's too much to ask of my weekends. I don't have my own kids.

Letitgoletitgo Sat 09-Jan-16 18:11:00

You should chat with your dp and have a latest bedtime - I'd say 10pm is late enough for any age kids tbh - don't know how old your sdcs are but even teens could watch TV in their room and entertain themselves from then! I don't remember being up later than that as a child. If you just put on adult TV would they be bored and gravitate away anyway?

thegreenhen Sat 09-Jan-16 21:53:14

You absolutely have a right to decide what happens in your own home and have the right to have your wishes listened to. Of course, you have to compromise as well as others but I get annoyed when people just expect step mums to do all the compromising and all the drudgery too. Step mums need rest and relaxation on their own home too.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 10-Jan-16 01:40:28

Of course bedtimes or when you get a bit of space should be yours and DPs decision. I used to let DP decide solely, bad idea! Kids up after we'd gone to bed, no time ever alone or even to check if lights were off. Constant people up at night! It isn't easy as a kid having to make some compromised for a step parent, but you have to, so should they and DP.

swingofthings Sun 10-Jan-16 10:40:27

The kids can be really nippy and after 10 I just want them in their room. So I can watch grown up tv and films. I don't think that's too much to ask of my weekends. I don't have my own kids.
But is not just YOUR home so as much as it isn't fair that you wishes shouldn't be considered, why do you think that ONLY yours should be when everyone else doesn't agree?

If it means a lot for you to have this me time, how about getting a TV in your room and when you have enough of them all, say good night and go watch your grown up TV. Then they can continue to enjoy their time together.

It's the first full week-end, you were going to make efforts to let it not stress you, it was your dsd's birthday, so understandably not standard week-end anyway, and yet you wanted to impose your law. Of course it wasn't going to go well. Why couldn't you bear it for one day, and then discuss with your OH afterwards what an appropriate bedtime will be in the future?

swingofthings Sun 10-Jan-16 10:47:36

It isn't easy as a kid having to make some compromised for a step parent, but you have to, so should they and DP.
Why is it that when it comes to compromise, it becomes everyone doing what the sp wants? A compromise by definition means finding a middle ground to accommodate everyone, not whoever makes the more fuss getting their way.

If my OH had imposed a bedtime for my kids that I didn't agree with when her moved in, just because he said so, I doubt we would have lasted long. There are many things we didn't agree on, so we discussed things and EVERYONE made compromises, which means that OH also had to accept things that he didn't like in his own home. That's what you have to do when you move in with someone. My biggest compromise is sleeping on a hard mattress with windows closed, which means that I don't sleep half as well as I didn't when I was single. Children have to accept that they don't get to watch TV in the front room whenever they want (which they did when it was only them and I), and OH had to accept that he could expect the standard of cleanliness the house was in before we moved in to remain, however much it stressed him.

It took time for all of us to adjust to these compromises (and hundreds more), but it worked because we ALL made an effort and it wasn't about anyone getting more their ways than the others. Most importantly, we never impose, always discuss first.

Neverenuff Sun 10-Jan-16 12:22:53

Swing I never said only my wishes/ rules have to be adhered to. I also dont see why I have to be the one constantly compromising. No one else seems to!

Before we went to ever other weekend the kids were in bed by 930. Now all of a sudden with no regards to me DP is getting his undies in a bunch because I said I would prefer the kids to be in their room for 10 so that we can have some adult time since it is the weekend. If he wanted to spend longer he could have joined them in their room and played a game or something.

I really wanted a good weekend. I just wish DP would see things from my point of view every now and again. I try to understand he misses his kids etc but I just don't have the same feelings for them than he does and I can only take so much of the kids being cheeky or disrespectful. Whereas he seems to have a higher tolerance for it.

I do however think a lot of this is stuff me and my dP need to discuss. But he just thinks I'm having a go.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 10-Jan-16 13:06:02

I did let DP and step kids take priority in 95% of stuff, including bedtimes and manners, meals etc. That's just too much of a compromise. OP please do feel like you can have a say over bedtimes, and as the adult then yes it is you who should be able to say, need time after 10 in living room - the idea that you should have to vacate to DP and his kids is terrible and makes you a second class citizen.

I know, I've done it, even deferred to kids and let them sit up with DP while I 'compromised' reading a book in the bedroom night after night. All I got was complaints for being anti social! Er... Playing XBox isn't for me past 10pm! You could always mix it up and have shared TV / film nights where all of chose something we all could enjoy. We did this, it was really nice. But only when I knew I could watch TV or be with DP some evenings on our own too. And yes sometimes I'd leave kids and DP to it, as long as it wasn't always me being ignored it was fine. Balance!

louisaglasson Sun 10-Jan-16 14:11:03

How old are they?

You say "before we went to every other weekend it was 9.30". Has contact been reduced? What was the arrangement before?

Maybe83 Sun 10-Jan-16 14:13:22

From your dp s perspective you now have two child free weekends a month were you don't have to consider them. Do you have over nights during the week? If not you also have evenings like child free couples. To be honest if this was my dh I would see it as him just seeking out a reason to have a go again about the children being there and putting you out.

10 isn't to late in my house but we have a 13 yr old and 19 year old. I would have let it go and spoke to dh after they had gone to bed rather than get stressed and annoyed over it. If you keep doing the same thing you get the same results, sit down agree rules between you. As a compromise extend bed time one night and keep it at half 9 maybe on the Friday night when everyone s bit tired after working all week and later on Saturday?

Hope the weekend improved and you dsd enjoyed her birthday.

lunar1 Sun 10-Jan-16 14:15:43

What does every other weekend work out at? 4 nights a month? He probably wants as much time as he can get with them. I don't think he should have to compromise bed time when he has them so little.

swingofthings Sun 10-Jan-16 14:32:43

But you said that your dsd celebrated her birthday that week-end, so surely that warranted staying up later on this occasion?

I think it is also how it came across. I expected you started to get annoyed so by the time you mentioned the time, maybe it wasn't in the most pleasant tone of voice?

If you knew it was going to be a matter of contention and you agree that discussing such matter is better, why didn't you went with it this time, but put in on the agenda to discuss it with OH before the next visit?

Inevitably, mentioning it there and then is only going to be interpreted as you having an issue with them having some fun, so you were always going to be the bad guy.

WhoGivesAFlying Sun 10-Jan-16 19:46:00

I have a say when my dsc are here, why wouldn't l when I live here? I don't think leaving it all up to dp
Is the way forward, he might make rules that you just don't agree with and will end up causing resentment. My dsd is in bed by 9:30 on a Friday, a bit later on sat

Wdigin2this Mon 11-Jan-16 10:50:13

Reading this post, I am sooooo glad all our kids were grown when we met! I just know I would never have been tolerant of all the problems I read here! wine & flowers to you all....you deserve it!

Neverenuff Mon 11-Jan-16 12:52:28

I just want him to be more considerate towards me. I like the idea of early on a Friday and maybe a bit later on the Saturday depending on how the days going and what's planned.

I tried so hard this weekend to not let silly things get to me and overall I done not too bad. This going to bed carry on was probably the worst part. All in all that's not bad for our weekends.

louisaglasson Mon 11-Jan-16 13:04:25

That's really good if you feel you didn't let things get to you.

Hard to comment on bedtimes without knowing ages. And if your dp has reduced contact to every other weekend I get why he'd let them stay up a bit later on a weekend. I know I would, just to be around them a bit more. He must miss them.

What time are they going to bed?

WhoGivesAFlying Mon 11-Jan-16 13:33:30

We do the "earlier" night on Friday as after a week at school they are knackered. That way it makes for a good Saturday.

swingofthings Mon 11-Jan-16 18:50:38

Well that's good that it did go well all in all. Just make sure you discuss all the things you found most difficult and agree how you will face them before the next week-end coming up.

Neverenuff Mon 11-Jan-16 19:56:48

That's just it swing. So I will definitely speak to him but will wait a while as he is still happy it was a decent weekend.but part of me is thinking the kids were only so good because he was spending money on them. I'm not gonna burst his bubble. We can discuss other stuff later. Xx

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