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Step parent adoption advice/biological father not on the scene

(12 Posts)
HumberLass Sun 03-Jan-16 20:59:08

Hello, i'd love to hear from anyone who has been through a similar experience to me, who has a child without a second biological parent on the scene. My sons biological father left me during my pregnancy and has never been on the scene, he had no wish to have contact with my son although he has children from a previous marriage he sees, albeit not regularly, and has no contact with us. I get married soon to my partner of several years (he was around early in my sons life and is the only father he has known) and my partner will be legally adopting my son. This is all great, my only issue being - I have no idea how to discuss this with my son, I don't know how to tell him his biological father did not want to know him, yet knows his biological siblings. Its going to be hard for him to know he 'wasn't wanted' and I want to make it as easy as possible for him to deal with. My son is 5 now. If anyone has been through this or similar i'd be grateful for any advice.

lunar1 Mon 04-Jan-16 00:27:06

I think it's something you ask a child who is old enough to understand, not tell one who is a bit to young to get it.

HumberLass Mon 04-Jan-16 00:59:24

I'm not sure if I made this clear - its not like I want to discuss this with him now, as he is very young and won't understand, but I don't want it to come as a surprise when he's older, which is why i'm asking for advice if anyone else has been in this situation, I just want the best for my little boy, i'm sad for him that his Bio Father didn't 'want' him, its his loss totally but I don't want the fact his Bio Father is an asshole to affect my son's self-worth when he is older.

swingofthings Mon 04-Jan-16 08:17:22

This is all great, my only issue being - I have no idea how to discuss this with my son, I don't know how to tell him his biological father did not want to know him, yet knows his biological siblings. Its going to be hard for him to know he 'wasn't wanted' and I want to make it as easy as possible for him to deal with
Why being so negative about it? You don't need to tell him that his father didn't want to know him, let alone that he does do so with his other children.
Stick to the facts not the emotions. Use this to explain how babies are made, that his biological father for reasons you are not sure about decided not to become his dad, but that is ok because he has a wonderful dad who doesn't care he is not his biological father and that you are now going to make officials so that everyone will know him as his dad. Then just say that if he ever has questions about his biological father, you will always be there to try to answer them.

HumberLass Mon 04-Jan-16 15:34:25

I don't think its a case of being negative, its a case of damage limitation, which is why I asked if anyone had been in a similar situation - I was looking for advice. Obviously i'm not going to tell him his father didn't want him - what kind of person would?? I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions or advice on how to handle a delicate situation - our son is very loved and we have a strong family unit - I just want to do my best to ensure he isn't in anyway emotionally disadvantaged by the situation, hence asking for advice from people who had been in a similar situation.

swingofthings Mon 04-Jan-16 19:04:51

* Obviously i'm not going to tell him his father didn't want him - what kind of person would??*

But that's what you said in your OP!

* I have no idea how to discuss this with my son, I don't know how to tell him his biological father did not want to know him, yet knows his biological siblings*

HumberLass Mon 04-Jan-16 19:18:34

Didn't want to know him is different from didn't want him and clearly I wouldn't say either which I would have thought was fairly obvious from what I was saying. Thanks though, for the super helpful input, as we're being literal here i'll just point out the first line of my post i'd love to hear from anyone who has been through a similar experience to me, who has a child without a second biological parent on the scene

I really can't see the point in answering messages when you don't have anything positive to say.

wannabestressfree Mon 04-Jan-16 19:23:36

In all fairness it IS what you said....
We just treat the facts as facts. I have three sons and my DS2's dad is in the army and has little to do with him. He is/ was brought up by my ex husband as is just as much his son as the little one. If he asks questions I answer.... He is 14 and my take on it is that his biological dad liked and trusted his 'dad' enough to hand over the reigns as he knew he couldn't be around a lot. This has always seemed to be enough.....

lunar1 Mon 04-Jan-16 20:35:28

I have been in your sons position, but my mum tried to railroad me into it. Luckily the judge spoke to me and it never happened! I guess that's why I felt strongly about you 'telling you son' his step dad was adopting him.

I would probably have agreed to it if I was slightly older and given more power to make my own choices.

MisguidedAngel Wed 06-Jan-16 11:59:59

A social worker will have to be involved in a step-parent adoption, and it's part of his/her role to talk to your son in an age-appropriate way about what's happening. I suggest you talk to the sw about the best way to prepare your son - and swingofthings has given you some good ideas.

HumberLass Wed 06-Jan-16 12:29:33

I know this thanks, we're already half way through the process but it would have been nice to have heard from someone who'd been in the same situation so thought it was worth asking. It's a very difficult situation as my ex was abusive to me so there is no way he could have been involved but it's not easy not knowing what to say when the time comes that I have to explain. I just want to keep my child happy and safe and have felt the general reaction on here to be quite negative, I was only asking for advice.

WiseUpJanetWeiss Wed 06-Jan-16 12:51:01

I wonder whether you would get better advice on the adoption board? It's kind of the same situation that needs explaining and someone will have found a lovely way of putting it into age appropriate language.

Good luck OP.

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