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Greedy ex, unreasonable demands and feeling resentful

(81 Posts)
Poppy3282 Sun 03-Jan-16 12:44:43

Think I just need a rant so thanks for listening, I am so fed up with my husbands ex and how so many people assume that the mother is always hard done by but the fathers family are never considered.

My husband has 2 children with his ex wife, 15 and 14, he pays about £100 more a month then CSA say (private agreement and the CSA figure is worked out on him never having the kids over night but we have them every other weekend, 2 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at xmas, a week at easter and usually one other half term too so it will be much higher then £100 more) but he also pays for all clothes, all shoes, school uniforms, all school trips, gives the kids £10 a week pocket money and his ex will still contact him normally once a week demanding more money, which often he gives.

When they split up she moved away, then moved again and then again, so now lives 3 hours drive away, my husband does that drive every other week, you can imagine the cost of fuel to do 12 hours driving twice a month, it also means that he is gone pretty much the whole of Friday and Sunday and takes a half day Fridays so he can drive up (I sound petty I know!)

We have a 3 year old girl and 6 month old twins (the twins were not planned after being told I wouldn't have children naturally after IVF for our 3 year old) I had to have an emergency c section with the twins, I lost a lot of blood and was in a really bad way, I could barely move and kept coming over really really dizzy, 2 days after I got out of hospital, his ex kicked off about him not having the kids (and when I say kicked off, screaming phone calls, his kids calling up crying because she had started on them) so he left me on my own with a 3 year old and baby twins who I could not pick up to go and get his two, in the end I had to hobble down to the front door and send my 3 year old to the older lady next door and ask her for help, this is not a lady I know very well but the twins wouldn't stop crying, I physically could not lift them and the world kept spinning and my vision going everytime I stood up, in the end the old lady next doors daughter came round as well because she came to visit her mum but her mum wouldn't leave me, I have never felt so humiliated to see the pity in their eyes as they looked at me and discussed in hushed tones where my husband had gone and left me in such a state.

Now don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, he is fantastic with our kids, he works hard and I get that is it a real juggling act, with him trying to keep everyone happy but I just feel he gives in to her too much and due to this we have to come second.

Its so childish but I am so so so angry that she has never worked a day in her life but because of the sheer amount of money my husband gives her or the children, we cant survive without my wage so I am going back to work in 3 months, she acts like the world owes her something yet shes always got the latest iPhone, kids said she just bought a 60inch 3d tv, has a new car every 3 years, she is obviously committing benefit fraud as I don't believe she has told them that her boyfriend lives with her, he is a mechanic so doesn't earn crazy amounts but they live the life of riley.

They also go on 3 holidays a year, they take their youngest 2 but have never ever taken my step children, we took our daughter to butlins for a long weekend before the twins came along and got a barrage of abuse from her because we didn't take my step children, we were gone for 3 nights and the older kids would of been bored stupid, we would love to take them abroad but we cant afford it, so none of us go unlike them on 2 abroad holidays and 1 week away here every year, this year I have just found out, my husband is paying for her to take his two away with them..... we can't afford a weekend in Skegness but he is paying for their mother to take them on holiday because he feels bad for them getting left behind all the time...

I am so fed up of my children missing out while my step children get money thrown at them, I am really struggling, having to buy second hand bundles of clothes for the twins off of facebook while my step children are spending £60 on one t-shirt from super dry, it's not fair!

It's just one thing after another, the ex gives us abuse all the time, she encourages my step children to be nasty to my 3 year old, the other month one of the kids must of had a picture of my little girl, she had been doing painting and was sat in her knickers and vest, covered in paint, hair a mess and my husbands ex got hold of it somehow and posted it on facebook saying that I couldn't care for my child and that she was obese and ugly! They have also done the same with me when I haven't been aware, ie when I had just had the twins, belly hadn't really started to deflate at that point and one of them took a picture of me and sent it to their mother which she put on facebook and one of the kids friends mum alerted me two both the pictures so I could report them and get them taken down. I had an eating disorder for many years, for me being a size 12 is difficult, my mind screams starve yourself every time I look in the mirror but I go look at my kids and force myself to eat because I don't want them growing up thinking a persons worth is based on how much they weigh.

Its just really getting me down, I'm starting to really resent the money he gives and the children being here.

And everytime my husband takes them back, she will arrange for him to drop them off at say 6pm, then text at 5:30 saying shes gone out and wont be back until 9pm, so he has to go and take the kids for food and then bowling or cinema or something to kill 3 hours! Then drive 3 hours home again.

At times I just want to leave him, I'm done being made to feel guilty for wanting my children to have a nice life, if he just paid what csa said then we could probably cope without me working until the twins are a bit older.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 03-Jan-16 12:49:48

you really need to talk to your husband about this,

he needs to be onside to pay only csa amounts, it is unerstandable if he wants to treat his older chidlren but you both need to sit down and you need to tell him he risks losing his current family as the stress is too much and it is not now workable.

guajiraguantanamera Sun 03-Jan-16 12:53:03

I would punch her in the face for just posting a picture of my kid in a malicious way!
What an absolute cunt. If my Dh had left me after a traumatic birth, like it sounds like you had, with nobody there to help me look after my baby, I would have been furious.
Don't really have any advice but don't let this woman call the shots!

Poppy3282 Sun 03-Jan-16 13:20:18

I have tried to speak to him so many times, last Christmas they stole my daughters Christmas money, along with mine and a charity collection from my mother in laws, at that point I lost it, said they were turning in their mother thinking the world owes them something and that money is theirs for the taking, he did give them a serious talking too and literally searched them before they left the house, put locks on all the doors etc.

She also tells her own 14 year old daughter she is fat and ugly and shes now trying to miss meals, so she is just a generally vile human being but yes, I did want to rip her throat out for doing that to my daughter.

We have had to buy a 5 bedroom place, well its a 4 bedroom with the garage converted so both my step children can still have their own room but that does still mean that my twins will have to share a room, at the moment my step son has the garage, I had wanted it to be like a second living room so we could have somewhere for my 3 year old to play when the twins were sleeping in the front room with a decent sofa bed for him but he kicked off so much that he didn't want people in his room that now its just a bedroom, he even went mental when he found a bib and one of the twins baby toys in his room because he knew I had be putting the twins crib in there to sleep during the days he wasn't here, then we have the 4 bedrooms upstairs, one is a box room, its big enough for a single bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers and bedside table etc, I suggested my step daughter had that room, she went mental so my husband said she could have the second biggest, which is the room I wanted the twins to have so now my daughter is in the box room and the twins have to share a room very slightly bigger then that, they will have to go straight into bunk beds when they come out of their cots as there isn't enough room for two single beds, its dangerous! I even offered to get her a high sleeper so she could have a sofa bed and table under the bed and let her pick how she wanted it decorated etc but she said she wanted a double bed and kicked off until my husband agreed.

Am I being unreasonable?

glentherednosedbattleostrich Sun 03-Jan-16 13:35:17

You need to put your foot down. No way is this acceptable.

Your twins will be getting the larger room. You will be using the converted room. There is no way they shouldn't be used by the majority of the time. Your S'S can have a lockable cupboard so his stuff doesn't get touched.

Reassess how much he is paying. All his children should be getting the same.

I'd also be reporting the benefit fraud because frankly the woman deserves no loyalty or respect from you. and I'm a vengeful bitch

notapizzaeater Sun 03-Jan-16 13:36:55

Your husband needs to grow a pair and lay done some rules. The bedroom arrangement sounds mental - they have big rooms for 2 days a fortnight whilst you are juggling for space.

3littlefrogs Sun 03-Jan-16 13:38:49

Your husband is the problem TBH.

Poppy3282 Sun 03-Jan-16 13:54:53

I think my husband is just scared... no make that terrified that his kids will turn out like their mother, or refuse to come here if they don't get their own way. The mother is not a good person and their lives will be doomed if they grow up like her but where she is so nasty to them, I think he tries to make up for the love they don't get from her, so although yes he is in the wrong, I can't 100% say I wouldn't do the same if I were him.

When we had our daughter, his ex would tell his children that my hubby didn't love them anymore, that we would leave them out, that I was trying to take him away from them etc etc so I think he tried to over compensate so they didn't believe what she said.

Another thing which really concerns me, is their lack of social skills and the way they speak to my husband, they speak to him like he is something they stood on, in front of other people too, we went to a friends Christmas party and I caught a lot of people sharing looks when they back chatted my husband, if he says "do you want a drink?" he will get abuse from them, if people spoke to them, they blanked them, that isn't normal, even for teenagers is it? If kids their own age try to speak to them, they react the same way.

I also catch them stood in doorways listening to our conversations, like I'll hear their bedroom door open and foot steps, then they will stand there for ages before either coming into the room or going back to their room. Its so hard to cope with it all.

I keep trying to think what I would expect if I were receiving money from an ex for children, like would I expect help with clothes etc or would I just take the maintenance money, I honestly think I would just take the maintenance money and buy what I needed with that but she seems to think that's just her money and then the kids needs should be paid for on top.

Am I being unreasonable wanting the extra money to stop? What would others think is acceptable? I don't want to be a monster.

RememberToSmile1980 Sun 03-Jan-16 13:58:07

I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to put up with some much crap from the Ex and now this kids are also playing up. Realistically nothing is going to change if you do not speak to your husband. You need to be honest with him as you will end up being extremely resentful and want to leave him yourself! Don't let this woman destroy what you have. Take control and get it sorted as best you can. He is trying to keep everyone happy - but is neglecting you and your own family. He cannot totally compensate for his split with the EX - and listen to everything his children want. Sit down and talk about it - get him to think about you an your children as well x good luck xxx

coffeeisnectar Sun 03-Jan-16 14:07:35

I thought I had issues until I read this. Your dh needs to listen to you. Everything is wrong. The money, the bedrooms, the attitude. I don't know what to suggest other than an ultimatum that he listens and starts fixing things or you will walk and he can deal with this on his own.

Wdigin2this Sun 03-Jan-16 14:11:02

Dear God, is your DH mad, there is only one thing you can do...however nice he is, grow the ballls he clearly doesn't have!!!
You should take a deep breath, make sure you're feeling rested, find a trusted family member/friend to take your DC for a night, then sit him down and damn well TELL HIM HOW LIFE IS GOING TO BE IN THE FUTURE!!!!! Don't make suggestions, TELL HIM!
I realise you're DH feels guilty about his DC, and that he doesn't want them to suffer/go without etc, but he's obviously incapable of sorting this sorry mess out, so you need to take over...big time!
Make notes about what you want changed and however difficult it may be, tell him YOU will be implementing the changes personally! Take whatever legal/practical/physical, advice and help you need from wherever you can find it, grit your teeth and make those changes!
Most importantly find a way of informing his EW, that a) her maintenance will be reduced to the correct amount, b) any clothes/equipment you buy her DC will be staying at your house, c) you'll be changing the sleeping arrangements to fairer more practical levels, d) you will be reviewing the visitation arrangements to suit you, DH and your family more fairly and sensibly....and when she kicks off, tell her accept it, or you will go personally to Social Services and give them chapter and verse about everything you know about her...but you're going ahead with your plan anyway!!!!
Of course before you implement any of this you need to explain everything in detail, to all the DC, with however much tact, fairness and diplomacy you can manage....TOGETHER! If your DH is not willing to be on board with this, inform him clearly and calmly that the future of his second family life is seriously at risk....and stick to it!
Obviously, you will have to be very careful to be as fair, and inclusive as possible with this plan, but if you dig your heels in, refuse to be swayed, sidetracked or persuaded out of it...lit could be a huge turning point in your life! I wish you the strength and determination to resolve this dilemma once and for all!

cannotlogin Sun 03-Jan-16 14:13:25

Reassess how much he is paying. All his children should be getting the same

The OP's children have their father 7 days a week and the majority of his income coming into their household. They are also free of the politics of separated parents and all the difficulties that go with that.

No matter how in the right you might be (and I do think you are right), please try not to be angry and bitter about what you perceive is going on in the other household. Your children are not equal - because they have two different sets of parents with two different sets of circumstances - so holidays, designer clothing, technology etc. will always be different and you can't control that. And she isn't 'obviously committing benefit fraud' because you can't really have a clue how much her partner earns or indeed, what money he may receive from other sources.

Your problem is your DH who is struggling to put up (let alone maintain) consistent boundaries with his ex wife which is having a negative impact on your family. Talk to him - calmly. Or show him what you've written here because it's pretty clear what the problem is. He needs to understand the impact this is having on you and your relationship.

Fourarmsv2 Sun 03-Jan-16 14:17:42

At 14 & 15 surely they could get the train one way of the journey?

And have a key so he drops them off at the arranged time and leaves them.

Sounds awful sad

BedTimeNow Sun 03-Jan-16 14:21:28

This situation sounds too difficult and there are many factors here that are wrong.

does your DH discipline his children when they are rude? sounds like they are used to not being told off at your home.

and sorry OP I know you're angry and upset but that saying "rip your throat out" is just horrible, that's the 2nd time I've seen that on MN in 2 days.

sparkly72 Sun 03-Jan-16 14:24:02

Crikey - it sounds terrible and I don't envy you one bit. I do think you need to take some control and do it in a fair and calm way. It is utterly ridiculous that these children are able to dictate who has what room - sort out the arrangements and stick to your guns.
Financially you need to work out exactly how much your husband is paying - include petrol, time off work, clothes, maintenance etc etc. Are there any mechanisms for discipline when they are at yours?
It sounds damaging all round - and it's not a healthy way for anyone to live. I imagine those kids are crying out for some boundaries from their dad- and it has to be him that does it.

Viviennemary Sun 03-Jan-16 14:31:35

This time I think you are right to feel resentful. Their mother should get a job and contribute towards the expenses of her children. The stealing thing is beyond belief. Rightly or wrongly I'd be angry and bitter too in your situation. If you suspect her of benefit fraud report to the appropriate authority. Nobody should get away with theft of public money. There is only so much a person can put up with. In your situation I'd be considering getting my own home and a separation. it can't carry on in this way. Tell him this and see what he has to say.

Wdigin2this Sun 03-Jan-16 14:36:18

I don't think Poppy literally meant, 'rip her throat out'! She was just expressing her fury and helplessness, in the safety of this forum! But to be frank, if someone maliciously posted unkind photos of my DC on social media, I would also feel murderous!

PrettyBrightFireflies Sun 03-Jan-16 14:41:55

I think my husband is just scared... no make that terrified that his kids will turn out like their mother, or refuse to come here if they don't get their own way.

They probably will. But that's not your responsibility. Currently, he is choosing to disrespect you and your DCs.

You can demand that respect from him.

If the consequence of him respecting you is that his DCs reject him, then that is not your fault.

Poppy3282 Sun 03-Jan-16 15:17:56

Thank you everyone for your replies and allowing me to have my rant.

Oh she is committing benefit fraud, the children said "mums told us to not tell anyone he lives with us because they will stop her money" and the social services report had him living at another address but he lives with them 100%, I also know the job he does and for what company and as I used to work in their head office payrole department, I know roughly what he will be getting paid, by roughly I mean exactly apart from if they have had a pay increase in the last 3 years, which if they have wont be a lot.

Myself and my husband both have very good jobs so realistically we should have a very decent lifestyle but due to the amount of money he gives to her or spends on the children we can not have. Last month he gave just over 50% of his wage to his ex wife and children, when he buys new trainers, its not £30 pair its like £130! All the designer stuff his kids have are paid for by my husband, the holiday is being paid for by my husband, that is the problem, if they both worked hard and earned good money then good on them, spend it however they want, but that isn't the case, the good lifestyle they lead is funded by my husband and the tax payer.

I think I am at breaking point in terms of holding my tongue, I have done it for 6 years, I have been attacked by her, I have had my car attacked by her, she hit my stomach with a broom handle when I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, she sent me facebook messages saying she hoped my daughter died during birth and when she heard I had a tough labour with the twins she sent me more messages on facebook saying shame the twins didn't die, shes said she hopes my children die from cancer, I block her and she makes new accounts to contact me with, everytime I have turned my back and not retaliated so I do apologise if anyone finds my angry words offending but you have not lived with her trying to destroy your life.

I am maybe to blame for allowing this to get this way too though, I have been scared of forcing my husband to do things which cause issues for him and the children, I don't want to be the reason contact stops and he then resents me for it, it is such a hard situation

PrettyBrightFireflies Sun 03-Jan-16 15:28:34

poppy you can't force your DH to do anything - but you can demand that he respect you; if he doesn't give you that, then your marriage is worthless.

If him respecting his wife leads his DCs to make a choice not to see him then that is not your fault.

Icantstopeatinglol Sun 03-Jan-16 15:35:09

This is absolutely horrendous! Sorry OP but you need to change things and by that I mean tell your dh how things are going to change and do it. No way would I have my dsd or her dm dictate to me what went on in my house and if they didn't like it then they can do one!
As for physically attacking you, did you report her to the police? That would be my first thing to sort out!
Omg op, sorry this sounds horrendous! Your dh needs to grow a pair and stand up for you and his dc!

wannabestressfree Sun 03-Jan-16 15:46:31

Take the steps you can....
Block her from Facebook or even better come off it.
Report her for benefit fraud.
Your ss must have a door key. They will be home at six and your partner leaves. They are old enough to take that up with their mother.
Any requests for extras on top of maintenance are by email not phone or text.
You will NOT be forking out for holidays.
You pay the cms level and an allowance to cover clothes. They can save it or spend it.
Disengage.... And get your Partner to read This ..... You can't buy love and fact his actions are preventing the very thing he wants.
Sort the rooms NOW.... The twins need the bigger room. I would refuse to do this point blank.
Come on op..... He needs to dig deep and Say enough is enough. You will support him..New year time for change

LeaLeander Sun 03-Jan-16 15:52:14

Sounds like you had the misfortune to marry into a horribly dysfunctional situation.

It's not just the ex-wife at fault here. Your husband willingly decided to split his resources -time, money, focus, mental energy etc. - between two different families. I always feel that's a massive mistake except in very amicable scenarios. Clearly he didn't do much advance thinking about how the scenarios would play out or what would happen if he chose to father multiple additional children who also need time, money, attention, etc.

hopefully as the teen girls age it will get easier but there is no quick or easy fix I'm afraid.

Poppy3282 Sun 03-Jan-16 17:07:06

If I give him an ultimatum he will do whatever I say it will take to stay with me and our children, which is why I do feel that if I were to do that I would be forcing him, know what I mean?

Oh yes he made a big mistake when they first split up, but at that time the job he had provided him with meals and accommodation so his living costs were very minimal, he just wanted to be a good dad and make sure his children were fully provided for so he agreed to pay for pretty much everything but he didn't think what would happen if/when he met someone else and he started another family, plus then she got used to it and got more and more bitter and started to demand more.

She acts like a jealous ex still, almost like I am the reason for the breakup but they had broken up 5 years before I met my husband and she left him for someone else, but she puts so much focus in her hatred for me and now my children, it is not healthy.

She tries to control every aspect of our lives, my dog was ill and the kids over heard me worrying about the vet bill as we had already exceeded the insurance max, she was on the phone saying if you can afford that vet bill for a dog, you can pay me more, when I was pregnant with the twins we realised I needed a MUCH bigger car, no way were 3 car seats fitting into my Peugeot 207! She went mental for about a month over the fact I got a new car, but the main reason we got the car we did was so HER children could come out with us still so we got something which turned into a 7 seater, she still goes on about that car actually, 9 months later, same story, if you can afford that car, you could give me more money, its the same with everything!

Yes I did report her to the police when she attacked me and she was given a warning, I stupidly didn't push it any further as I was worried it would make the children hate me, hindsight is a wonderful thing huh.. sad

She takes my step childrens keys off of them when they come here, I believe it is so she can have full control of everything and I have no doubt that she would leave them sitting outside for hours if he did just drop them off, just to prove a point.

I am going to speak to him about it again tonight but I just don't know what is reasonable of me to expect.....

PrettyBrightFireflies Sun 03-Jan-16 17:23:24

poppy Who currently benefits from the current situation? Does your DH actually enjoy the time he spends with his DCs, despite their behaviour towards your DC? Or does he feel obligated to do so?

Do the DCs want to come and see their dad, or do they do only so because their mum insists? I'm struggling to understand the benefits of the current arrangement for the DSCs - being encouraged to taunt and be mean to their toddler half-sibling? Not being able to get back into their home when they are dropped off?

What I'm trying to highlight is that everyone would be better off if his DzCs chose not to come and see their Dad right now. Of course, it would be better if their mum was less hostile - but it doesn't sound as if she's going to change, so the option is hostile contact or no contact. I think no contact is the better option.

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