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Step-parenting

Fed up of just being dad's girlfriend

5 replies

Alwaysthefriend · 02/01/2016 16:38

I know I'm being totally unreasonable and need to get a grip but I need somewhere safe to vent.

I've always wanted a family and I'm really struggling just being dad's girlfriend. I was previously in a relationship with someone who had a DS and he expected me to do everything. That was ridiculously hard having all of the responsibility when DS was here but none of the actual say in how he was brought up. I can honestly say I'm so much happier now we're not together. Fast forward to now and I find myself back in the position of being dad's girlfriend. My boyfriend has a daughter and they have a really great relationship. Things are so much different now and for the most part I'm happy but I'm really struggling still. As with most kids, his DD enjoys playing with those around her. She was really shy when we first met and I'm so happy she's opened up to me and really taken to me. I enjoy spending time with her but it's so difficult. She has many issues (particularly around food). It winds DP up and he tries his best but it's difficult to change learnt behaviours when you're not there 24/7. I see it's hard for DP sometimes but I feel like just a bystander. He tries to include me but it's not the same being dad's girlfriend. I would never ever want to try and take the place of her mum, they have a great relationship and I admire that. But whilst I enjoy spending time with her it's exhausting and I just feel like I've always wanted my own family and it just makes it even harder. Having a bit of a difficult day and need to get a grip tbh.

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Fourormore · 02/01/2016 16:41

It is really tough. It sounds like you've got a sensible head on your shoulders and that you know these feelings are mostly yours to deal with. I say mostly as in a healthy adult relationship, I would expect the other partner to help with emotional support when one is struggling.

How long have you been together? Is it perhaps just early days? Would you like to have children with your partner further down the line?

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Alwaysthefriend · 02/01/2016 16:47

Thanks for your reply four tbh I've not told DP as I know it's unreasonable. We've been really good friends for years and it's difficult to say when that changed from friendship into actually going out. We've always sort of been more than friends but took ages to admit it to each other . I guess I'd say we've only been together about 4 months so very early days. I would like children but much further down the line.

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Fourormore · 02/01/2016 16:55

I think it's important to talk it through. Communication is so important and even more so in a step family dynamic.

Are you struggling with how he disciplines his daughter? What sort of issues does she have?

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Claraoswald36 · 02/01/2016 17:00

Also curious about the issues. Op I really sympathise. I find it hard to bite my lip re parenting of my dp's child and I have 2 kids of my own.

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Alwaysthefriend · 02/01/2016 17:12

I'm not sure I can say her issues without sounding mean about her or her mum. But basically her mum uses food as a way of getting her to do things. She doesn't eat proper meals, just grazes all day on chocolate, biscuits and cake. DP's ex has a really unhealthy relationship with food and it's being passed onto their DD. If she's playing up in the shop or won't put her pyjamas on or generally won't do what her mum wants then she's told if you do x you can have a biscuit / bar of chocolate. Then when she's with DP she frequently refuses to eat proper meals and then says she's hungry and wants a biscuit. Tbf to DP he's normally pretty good with it and says if you eat your food then you can have a piece of fruit but otherwise you're not having anything else. Sometimes though the amount of fruit she eats is unreal. She'll say she's hungry in between meals but then refuse to eat proper food later on as she's eaten 4 bananas. Whilst I recognise fruit is far better than chocolate it gets exhausting sometimes with the constant asking for junk and really bothers me. I think today she's just been worse than usual and it's really grinding me down.
There are other things but I'm probably taking it worse today as I'm shattered and just fed up in general.