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Feeling so down. Think this is the end.

(34 Posts)
coffeeisnectar Mon 28-Dec-15 14:02:38

After nearly four years I think we've reached the point of accepting this won't work, well I have anyway.

Dsd is 12. Over the years there has been battles over night lights, bedrooms, ignoring us all, whining that I treat her different, that I don't tell her off, that I do tell her off, that I pick on her. All complaints coming via email from her mum. All saying dsd upset.

Yesterday she went to meet a friend. An hour later she sent a text asking if she could stay for dinner and dp said yes. Then asked if she could sleep over. Dp said no as he barely sees her anymore and it all kicked off. Endless texts begging, pleading, demanding to stay over, refusing to come home, accusing dp of refusing to see her before Xmas (very last minute request and we had plans in place for a month), then saying she never gets to see her friend and how unfair it was. Dp got really annoyed and said it's not happening and will collect her at 9. He would then have an hour to talk to her before picking my oldest up from work.

They all got home and I asked him how it went. He said she had told him she was scared of me. Totally deflected her behaviour and blamed me. I have shouted at her once in four years, never hit her or anything like that. I just feel utterly deflated that she's basically blaming me for her behaviour and he's not pulled her up on her attitude at all. If it was one of mine his attitude would be different.

So I am Sat here at home while they've all gone out. I won't be around her anymore as I don't want to risk any more accusations and I've told dp to move out. I just can't handle this endless manipulation any more.

So as not to drip feed she's accused me of stealing her keys, stealing her socks, hiding a phone charger and kept hiding a night light in her bag and then accusing my dd of doing it to get her into trouble. The night light eventually disappeared completely and it turned out she had taken it home because she needed it. However we had eight months of tears because she couldn't sleep with it on and my dd needed it on which was horrendous. My dd ended up falling down the stairs because dsd had switched it off so in the end she just took it home and we had to buy another one.

I love dp but I don't like his blind spot when it comes to dsd and his inability to parent her.

Creiddylad Mon 28-Dec-15 17:57:34

How awful for you.

I do understand how you feel, though Dh clicked years ago about the lies and does not bother to even tell me what is being said now. He always backs me up.

How did your Dp react, could this be the wake up that he needs? If he wants your relationship to continue he is going to have to start thinking about you.

ImperialBlether Mon 28-Dec-15 18:56:53

I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her and I'm sorry that means that you can't be with him. I hope life becomes easier for you and your daughter now. flowers

Sunbeam1112 Mon 28-Dec-15 19:10:07

She sounds like a typical kid who desperately in need of her df attention..unfortunately shes not expressing herself in the approiate way. Would you give up on your own DD so why would you give up on her? I would hate to think if my DS wanted to stay at his Dads he could. I think you need to sit her down and explain she is very much part of the family but there a rules and boundaries which need to be respected.

SaintEyning Mon 28-Dec-15 19:31:39

You could be me. I gave up for the exact same reasons a month ago and when I tell friends about the exhausting battle against the lies and manipulation and lack of support / consequences from my ex (even when he admitted he knew they were lying about me and trying to manipulate the situation), they all say that I must be so relieved to be away from it. I will be when the house is sold as of course the lies and manipulation have continued - just not about me any more - but ex pretends he is not affected/concerned by it.

An example: dsd2 did not want to go to a local heritage site of great interest to her father so she made him so late by carrying on that they missed the train and the slot to see the attraction. He, despite knowing what was going on, then took her shopping, claiming it was what he had wanted all along (on his online dating profile, one of his first sentences was that he does not consider shopping to be a leisure activity - and certainly it's not something he would ever do ordinarily).

So if you're not getting any back up and he's in denial about it happening, perhaps couples counselling that specialises in de-disneyfying dads might work but IME it is a losing battle. As not many people will put their partner before their kids, particularly if they are NRP and have the fear of the kids not coming if they are disciplined.

Sounds like the ex is another battle (which I have also experienced - all lies, but the kids know that's what their mums want to hear).

I sympathise and empathise. Would your partner react to a calm and planned discussion or perhaps an email/ letter that you craft slowly and consideredly? There is a poster on here whose husband was able to understand that his lack of support and boundaries was actually not helping his kids in the long term - but I think they saw someone with specific expertise (might have been Karen Woodall or similar).

Sorry not to be more positive - I've just had several years of my life obliterated by a man unable to stand up to his kids and ex and have to cope with the pain of explaining to a little boy who he known this man for the vast majority of his life that we are selling our lovely house and will never see him or his 'sisters' again.

broodynmoody Tue 29-Dec-15 00:17:14

I definitely would leave. It's not going to get any better, her behaviour will not change. She's a spoilt brat and he should be sticking up for you. Leave and it will feel a big weight lifted off your shoulders.

Wdigin2this Tue 29-Dec-15 00:27:44

Coffee, I really feel desperately sad for you! Even though, I got together with DH when all our DC were grown, but one of my DSD has continually lived her life as though her DF is still financially responsible for her...and her child!!! He is an (otherwise) intelligent, kind and generous man, but where this DD is concerned, he is incapable of saying no! He knows he is being manipulated, and that it's getting much worse, but continually makes excuses and tries to play down the huge amount of money he spends on them, and even though it drives hell into me, I know it will never change!
If I were in your place with a 12 year old DSD, who behaves like this in your home every other week, I'd be getting out of it too, for the sake of my sanity and my own DC! It's so sad that a relationship breaks down because the non-resident parent refuses to/isn't capable of properly parenting their own DC. It's not really the child's fault it's the bad parenting, but these kids who are allowed to become demanding and entitled grow into equally entitled adults, and so do their children....which I know to be true at my (considerable) cost!

Saint, I feel for you too!

coffeeisnectar Tue 29-Dec-15 00:28:32

Thanks for the responses. I have been sleeping, have come down with tonsilitis and just utterly drained right now.

Not had a chance to talk to dp and he's got to work tomorrow which means I'm stuck at home with the three girls and no car. Oh joy.

I will try and talk tomorrow but it's unlikely we will get a chance to talk until she's gone home now. I feel Really numb and resigned. I love his oldest dd to bits, she's lovely and dp gets on great with my two. It's just the 12 year old causing all the problems. And dp being a Disney dad. God knows it will all back fire at some point when she can't blame me or my dd and he will need to accept that it's her.

SaintEyning Tue 29-Dec-15 19:57:02

One of the things I am learning is that my ex will never outwardly (and perhaps inwardly) accept that the problem is his kids and how he and their mother have made them what they are. Their tantrums have continued even though they are no longer about me - they continue to threaten him and continue to call their mother to come and get them because he is not doing exactly what they want. He has removed all the house rules that he and I agreed and his kids are now behaving even worse than before (whilst he is having to pick up after them again).

I'm not expecting him to tell me in months/years to come that he was wrong and wishes he had listened to me/read the links I sent him. It would be more upsetting for me to hear the proof that I wasted my years and hurt my son than seeing this foolish, weak, manipulated man who I have lost all respect for continue to behave as he does around his kids. Because I don't want to be with the weak man who treats me with disrespect and allows his children to do the same.

RandomMess Tue 29-Dec-15 20:10:38

flowers because not only do you and your dp lose out but so do all of the dc. His DSD would actually be a happier child with appropriate boundaries sad

You are right though it's not going to get any better is it sad

wowis Tue 29-Dec-15 23:27:04

Poor you op. One of my dsd is 12 and can be an absolute nightmare confused as is her mum they both tell their mum what she wants to hear then she bails in full force . The only thing keeping us together us that dp is absolutely with me on what's going on . If he wasn't I don't think I could stay .... sad really do sympathise . Sorry nothing more useful to say . Look after yourself I so unseat and his exhausting and depressing it all is . Xx

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 30-Dec-15 02:54:54

I do think OP that there comes a time to be brutally clear to your DP how much the manipulation and blaming you is damaging your relationship. I've had two DSDs blame me to DP and their mum because it was just easier I think and deflected from real issues, nothing to do with me.

My relationship with DP is still fragile, but this year I've finally said enough is enough and we separated for 3 months. Mainly because I was being poured resentment from a DSD, which made him feel guilty, indulge, DSD, distance himself from me.

But when all of them couldn't blame me any more the problems were still there.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 30-Dec-15 03:01:24

So sorry for you Coffee. thanks It sounds desperately hard being in your situation.

Sneeziemcweezie Wed 30-Dec-15 08:51:34

Oh coffee, I know that situation well and I can only offer empathy, not any useful suggestions. I too apparently scare the oldest DSC despite having never laid a finger on him, while his own mother has clouted him round the head (interestingly he came to me about that, not any other adult - though I had to tell DH as it upset me so much to hear about a child being hit in that way), and DH shouts at him, I very rarely have.
In my situation I think I am scarey because I see much more than DH does and don't tolerate things and am not hoodwinked the way DH is - I certainly don't tolerate the B/S and lies that DH does and don't blame the other DSCs for those behaviours - ie I expect him to own his behaviour rather than blame it on his siblings which he hates as he hates being 'in the wrong'.
That said, I am sure it IS more scarey to be shouted at by a step-p rather than your parent, but I think its the way the parent then handles how it is reported to them that is important. When discussing this recently my councillor wondered if DSC is in fact scared that I will withdraw unconditional love rather than being scared of me per se. In many ways that makes sense in our particular situation as the relationship with his mother is very unstable as she has left the DSCs multiple times so is not a stable reliable maternal influence, whereas because DH is resident parent 100% of the time I am by default the stable 'maternal' figure. I'm still thinking about this - not sure if I agree or not but its a different way to view a situation.

MrsJuice Wed 30-Dec-15 13:36:26

Gosh, what a horrible situation Coffee.
I admit, I was very wary when I first got together with DH. I had 2 DDs, and he had a DS and DD from our original marriages.
Thankfully, despite some turbulent situations from the exes, the DCs have been great. We now have a DD together, which caused tensions with my younger DD, but they all adore one another now, and are quite a force to be reckoned with, when they aren't bickering. hmm
I think the strength with our family is that all of the DCs know that DH and I work as a team. We discuss any 'situations' and present a united front. Without that, I can imagine the problems that you describe.
With a blended family, you simply cannot have one child calling the shots. It's grossly unfair to you, and the other DCs.
They need the security of knowing that your family is just as solid, and valid as the previous families were. It's very hard to obliterate the manipulation entirely, but you can't keep being the whipping boy. angry

MrsUniverse Thu 31-Dec-15 02:47:50

Oh coffee I remember your other posts. So sorry it's come to this. flowers

coffeeisnectar Fri 01-Jan-16 16:25:51

Just coming to update. I'm really feeling poorly at the moment with a stinking cold, sore throat and cough so have been sleeping a lot. It's been hard to find time to talk to dp as kids are still off school, teen and dp working odd shifts and my youngest has been here all the time.

However dp spoke to his oldest on the phone and she asked to talk to my dd and dsd. When she went back onto dp she asked about dsds attitude as she had been abrupt with her on the phone. Oldest dsd said that it's "a load of crap" about her being stressed over me shouting, that dp and his ex had rowed a lot towards the end of the marriage and that ex and new partner argue a lot. She also said that ex is pushing oldest dsd out of dsds life and as we know ex wants dsd to have nothing to do with my kids, I do think there are way too many issues of conflict in dsds life as well as the fact that dp and his ex have always deferred to dsd and let her make decisions from a very young age. Dsd is very entitled and thinks she can do what she wants with no repercussions as her parents will always make excuses or pander to her.

I'm having major surgery in a few weeks, I'm ill and stressing that the op will be postponed if I'm not well enough and I'm just hoping dsd stays away for the foreseeable. Because fool that I am, dp and I are still here together and I don't think I'll cope with her being here again any time soon and definitely not after my surgery.

I know I should be stronger than this. But I can't find the energy right now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 01-Jan-16 22:56:58

Sooooo - your oldest DSD, is she sort of "on your side", as it were? I mean in terms of telling her Dad that her younger sister isn't all she seems? Or does your DP ignore her opinion as well? sad

I think you need to focus entirely on your health at the moment, and if your DSD is stressing you out to a point where your health is affected, then your DP really needs to understand that, and find a way to see his DSD that doesn't stress you out. He does still need to see her though, or the ex may find a way to make things worse, if she's already that way inclined.

That may mean you staying elsewhere for a bit - what about your family, could they put you up for a few nights, just until you're a bit better?

coffeeisnectar Sat 02-Jan-16 20:01:33

I'm having major spine surgery so my recovery is in terms of months rather than days. I'm going to be stuck in bed apart from very short periods of walking for a few weeks and I'm not allowed to sit for longer than 10-15 minutes 3 times a day. My parents are moving in February and I've nowhere else to go. Besides I'm not leaving my dc so his dd can come here. I think that would be utterly unfair.

Oldest dsd is not exes dd, she's her dsd. Ex fell out with oldest dsd and threw her out last year after moving both of them away from this area. Dsd had a job locally so sofa surfed for a while then moved into her bfs. We offered her a home here but she would have had to give up her job. We have a good relationship and although she feels torn between dp and ex still (despite ex cutting her out completely, won't talk to her) and her being close to dsd, she is starting to get vocal over the whole issue and dp looked a bit put out after hearing it from his oldest.

Dps sister Doesn't like dsd much either, has said she's manipulative and sneaky but dp thinks dsd is some sort of holy icon who must be obeyed and adored. It's not healthy at all.

I'm going to insist that he sees dsd away from the house while I'm in early stages of recovery. I don't want her here. As it is, we, as a family, are having a huge plan of action to ensure everything that I do normally gets covered by someone else while making sure work and school are attended and I get to hospital appointments. We don't need a child coming in and causing drama.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 03-Jan-16 00:31:48

No, you definitely don't under those circs, that's quite severe, what you're having done. And I quite see that you couldn't stay elsewhere (although I did mean you should take your DC with you, in all honesty, but yes, it would be somewhat unfair - sometimes though, accepting the unfairness is the only way to cope short term when the other person is being utterly unreasonable)

I hope your DP sorts his attitude out - he's going to contribute to your 12yo DSD being a complete PITA entitled little madam if he carries on the way he's going sad

LucyBabs Sun 03-Jan-16 00:44:55

Oh god I feel for you op however yours is just one of many blended families that doesn't work.

Up until recently I was in a relationship with my dp, we have two young dc. This would be my worst nightmare.

Prepared to be flamed but doesn't anyone think how broken relationships and "New families" affect children? sorry!

coffeeisnectar Sun 03-Jan-16 01:57:39

That so helpful Lucy. I'm sure dps ex, when she emptied the bank accounts and walked out with their dd was thinking of the child. And then dumping said dd on my dp every other week from Thursday to Monday, to go and stay with her new man was thinking of her dd. And when I moved in, instead of telling dd to be happy that she would have other kids to play with, she told her that she wasn't coming to see "that woman and her kids" but to only see her dad, causing conflict from day one. I'm sure moving her dd miles away and stopping contact for months was in her best interests too, living with her new stepdad who the ex is fighting with already. Yep, best interests for her dd.

Dp has no say in his dds life. Any attempt to ask about anything is met with a "she's in my care and its none of your business" response. He's a good dad albeit a Disney dad but he's such a kind, patient man who is fantastic with my dds and his own dd has been alienated by her mum to such an extent and causing dsd to act up so badly that I'm forced to write threads about it on here.

This is one child causing misery to a lot of people. My own dd s have moved 450 miles, left their friends but made a new life and are happy and settled. Dsd is still being treated like a special snowflake because her parents split up 6 years ago. It was nothing to do with me and quite honestly I don't see why dp has to remain single for years because a 12 year old wants him to herself 2 days every few months. She is not the only child to have gone through a break up but her parents attitude to it certainly haven't helped her to behave properly.

If you have any other pearls of wisdom please do share them. They are riveting.

thumb thank you. There really is nowhere I could go with my kids as they go to school here and teen works locally too. My parents live just a bit too far away and it wouldn't be feasible. Besides, this is my home and I want to be able to snooze with cats and recover in my own bed. Dp is going to have to do my personal care and help with things like dressing, washing etc.

I shall discuss with him next time the ex decides he can have dsd and suggest she stay with her aunt and he sees her there.

VimFuego101 Sun 03-Jan-16 02:06:16

Couldn't have put it better myself OP. LucyBabs - at some point you or your ex will no doubt have other partners, and your children's response to them will be very much shaped by your child's other parent. I hope your ex chooses to support you in your new relationship rather than do their best to sabotage it, because if he chooses to make your life difficult you will have a much greater insight into what the OP is going through.

antimatter Sun 03-Jan-16 02:24:42

What a horrible situation for you!

Please make sure your Dp understands that your recovery 100% depends on you not being stressed. He has to step up and protect you!

BoboChic Sun 03-Jan-16 02:56:13

Crikey. You say your DP is "patient". But it sounds to me as if he is a doormat with no boundaries.

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