Disney Dads(22 Posts)
..... I'm so glad someone invented this name because my ex was the king of Disney dads but I could never explain it to him in a way he would understand. Mind you he was so in denial of his actions it could have been called anything and h would hav still chosen not to understand. Anyone else with me on that one. What examples of a Disney dad does you dp or exp display?
Taking his children speaking to him like dog.
Fear of disciplining his child and them not returning for contact.
I detest the phrase.
It's up there with 'playing happy families' in its awfulness.
I've seen Uncle-Dad parenting used as an alternative to Disney father parenting.
It basically means a father who parents like a fun uncle so lots of treats like eating out but none of the boring bits like practicing time tables.
Of course women can be Disney parents but I mention fathers because my ex is a man.
An inability to see his child's faults, ignoring bad behaviour, running about after her picking up all the stuff she leaves lying about...basically treating her like visiting royalty. While my kids still need to abide by house rules.
What does dp do?
Anything the kids want! 😀
He wants to do the right thing by them, but he just can't.
He's so frightened of losing them. I understand that but he's doing them no favours staying in their life and parenting them so badly, but ultimately it's about his needs, not the kids needs.
The latest issue. Dsd4 keeps breaking her mobile phone and ipod. She constantly loses chargers we buy for her to use at mums (10 in total!!) She never knows how anything breaks, it just "does". No explanation or apology. Just constant demands for it to be fixed or replaced.
Dp appeared to be angry this time and told me he's not replacing it, and she can make do with his old rubber brick until her birthday. He was adamant.
Within 1 minute of having the conversation with dsd4, he's told her she can have DSD1 old iPhone, which is a better phone than she had originally. She's then constantly hassling him to get a new SIM card for it. Not once has he heard "please" or "thank you" and he complains to me about it! However, he gets on the phone immediately to order the SIM card. Grrr
I don't like the phrase either. I think it gets over used these days. To me it's what Enderwoman describes. A Dad who wants all the fun and leaves all the graft, actual parenting and sometimes all the expense too to Mum.
I don't think it's about how they behave in the context of a blended family.
Thegreenhen ohhhh that sounds soooo familiar to me apart from the fact my exs daughter never used to see him unless it was birthday or Christmas but he would still buy her tons of gifts and whatever she wanted. He said he would only get her the latest iPhone if she promised to text him.... What happened he got her the iPhone and he's probably had 10 texts off her in the last year. Grrrr
Merry Christmas everyone
My DS has a disney dad. He even telling my DS i should be taking him on days/trips out every weekend. When i grew up we played out or in the house. Trips out were/are expensive and were concessions not a weekly occurance. I tried to explain this to DS things cost money,we have a routine,younger siblings who are restricted to certain activities. Hes the only one at exs. He won't discipline him dispite him hiting his uncle in the end his GD told him off. He lets him run wild. My DB has commented on his bad behaviour once he comes back from ex. Me and my DH find a couple of hours return can be challengin due to the change of rules.
My Dh has got a bit better and now sees that being a disney dad has done DSS no favours.
He used to feel so guilty abut adopting DSS, then divorcing, that his focus was to make DSS happy. This meant always giving him exactly what he wanted. This went from chocolate for breakfast to buying him playstation, xbox and wii as DSS could not decide what he wanted. Also two trips to disneyland every year.
He did listen when I pointed out that every time he said no, DSS (7) would cry and Dh would give in as he did not want him unhappy. When he stopped giving in to crying, the crying stopped.
DSS is a nightmare now he is a teenager and DH does see it now.
Sunbeam I totally agree when I grew up we very rarely went to the cinema and when we did it was a real treat. The ex takes his son nearly every weekend he has him and I kid you not spends £20 or more on sweets, popcorn, drinks, crisps you name it. It's pure greed and I'm surprised the kids teeth haven't fallen out. The never do anything I did as a kid like go for a walk in the woods, make things etc. I just feel kids are missing out. Oh and don't even get me started on the 18 rated computer games they play with all the violence and foul language
DSD11 threw Jessie J concert tickets in his face because he wouldn't pay extra for a booklet. I'm shamed to say he picked them up from the car park and still gave them to her.
When my Dd6 goes to her dads, the difference is amazing. It's like he just can't say NO. Even school club have noticed.She is rude, over excited and slightly aggressive.
I kind of really feel for his GF.
It's where a DF has never got over the guilt of leaving the DC's mother, and consequently, the family home! He can never, (even when DC are grown with DC of their own) risk saying no to absolutely anything, in case it alienates them. It's where he gives and gives and gets little back, it's where he makes excuses for bad behaviour, and ultimately it's where his DC can take him for a ride however and whenever they damn well like!!!
Sadly, DH is paying the price for being a Disney dad. I used to post regularly about some of the bizarre lengths he'd go to, to avoid ever saying 'no' to DSS - DSS is now in his final year at Uni, and he seldom contacts DH when he's home during the holidays, despite the fact that we pay for his uni accommodation. He stays with his mum during the holidays, approx 25 mins drive from us, he has a car (which DH bought) but it's like DH doesn't exist to him, unless he needs money.
Two issues here: firstly, DSS was brought up in the knowledge that his dad would do ANYTHING to keep him on side, but nothing was ever expected in return. Secondly: we had a ridiculously strict access rota, maintained right up to uni, so their relationship/contact was never based on free will, so now there's no rota in place to structure contact, it simply doesn't take place. It's like they don't know how to have any sort of normal relationship.
I should add there's no bad blood between them, but it's clear DSS now regards his mum as a parent, and his dad as a cash machine, but that's how he was brought up!
Petal - And all along you knew this would happen. You have been berated on here for wanting to change the "rota" but maybe, just maybe if that had have happened, your DP would have a better relationship with his son. I bet his Mum hasn't been scared to say "no" to her son but who is it that he chooses to spend time with? The one who can't say "no" or the one who can?
You're right Greenhen, I always suspected this would go sour. The relationship between DH and DSS was always incredibly intense, the dynamics were skewed and artificial. I know I always got flamed for suggesting it, but had the rota been relaxed slightly, around the age of 15-16 (I wasn't suggesting less access, just a less regimented arrangement) they may have stood a chance of developing a more natural relationship.
But sadly for DH, he doesn't seem to figure in DSS's life any more. I feel dreadfully sorry for him - he only acted in a Disney manner because he was terrified of losing his son, but in the process he failed to gain any respect from him.
Two issues here: firstly, DSS was brought up in the knowledge that his dad would do ANYTHING to keep him on side, but nothing was ever expected in return. I totally agree with this Petal, despite my DP doing everything he can, including dropping off and picking up DSD who is 19 and at Uni (and lives with her Mum) - they don't bother coming to see him at all anymore. Sometimes they indicate that it is to do with me, as I dare to ask them to say Hello and occasionally ask them to have the living room for my TV and not the computer, which 'makes it awkward'. They are not bad girls, lots of good qualities, but I've seen them become indifferent and selfish to DP. Their Mum kicks off quite a bit, which isn't exactly secure for them, but they noticeably respect her more, and she also demands them around when she is lonely, and so they do.
Secondly: we had a ridiculously strict access rota, maintained right up to uni, so their relationship/contact was never based on free will, so now there's no rota in place to structure contact, it simply doesn't take place. I feel differently about this, I asked for a (moderate and not rigid) rota to be put in place which did really help for a while. Before the kids were being sent over to our house whenever their mum wanted them out, with no communication at all. It wasn't their freewill, or when it was, it was to use our XBox game - and if DP tried anything but Disney parenting, they'd troop on back to their mums.
No expectation that it was about keeping up a relationship. Now there is no 'rota' - the kids have decided not to come around at all - partly as they are older, and their mum lets them have the house while she is away at weekends.
It's all so ridiculous isn't it! I've posted many times on this forum, that all our DC were grown when we got together, but one of DH's DC, although now with DC of their own, has continued to consider their DF as responsible for their every need, both practical and financial. I believe (and he knows in his heart) that this is because he could never, ever say no to this particular DC, he continues to hand over considerable sums of money for anything and everything needed...and he knows it's his own fault, but nothing changes!
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