Judge's view of parents fighting over children at Christmas

[MeridianB]

Sorry it's the Daily Fail but is a curious piece.

I thought it might be interesting to us on this board but I have not heard much talk of private jets on here lately!

I think he makes some good points but then it loses its way. Despite this, it's will strike a chord with many than one or both parents can use their child to hurt the other (all year round), regardless of the impact on the child.

[Fourormore]

Interesting article but it's a shame it focuses on extreme examples that most would be able to say "I'd never do that" rather than on more realistic problems. Not sure why it descended into a rant about step families. I also disagree that family breakdown is the cause of anything - I'd say it's the symptom of a deeper problem and its that problem that causes the rest of the issues.

Still, it's the Daily Mail so it's probably been twisted since Sir Coleridge actually wrote it.

[Zampa]

I think that the complaint about children having to meet at a service station and walk across tarmac is erroneous. Better that than arguments between parents on the doorstep. Neutral locations can be very valuable.

[Andsoitbegins88]

Some elements in there reflect what we're going through over the festive period - sadly, not the private jet scenario

We had Christmas day on saturday as DP's stbxw won't entertain him seeing them on christmas day. It's fairly early days for us living together so I bought them a couple of bits separately to their father rather than them having everything from 'us' and they said they'd have to leave the bits bought by me at our house as it would upset their mum. There was also a big discussion around what could and couldn't go back to DM's house in fear of us never seeing it again. Admittedly I'm pretty new to this situation (2 years) but it never fails to render me speechless.

Also, in the run up to christmas DP tried to get the boys for christmas (he hasn't been 'allowed' them for the last 5 years) and his solicitor said most judges are starting to turn away from shared Christmas (unless it's working, obvs) and leaning more towards alternate christmases, for precisely the reason the article highlights - albeit in extreme examples. So this year they will be with their DM, next year with us hopefully.

Just such a shame for the children involved.

[riverboat1]

Surely as a judge he sees the worst side of stepfamilies / separated parents. Plenty others never need to go to court and sort themselves out amicably. I don't know how he can make such sweeping statements about stepfamilies when he only sees them in one specific context.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

A lot of bias there! I do believe that children are better off with two loving parents, break ups are messy. But he says that kids are better off with parents together even if they are at war, which just isn't true. All the research shows that it is high conflict and stress that muck up children, either together or apart.

I agree with the pulling kids in the middle, generally I'm wary of 50/50 shared care, including shared Xmas. In exceptional cases it may work but in my experience it's all about the parents needs and not the child, who do better with one main, low conflict, stable residence.

[swingofthings]

I agree, all quite extreme cases. I'm also a bit surprise by this statement 'And on top of that, they are constantly told how ‘lucky’ they are to be having ‘two Christmases’. I doubt there is a child alive who really believes that'

I won't doubt that this might be the case for most children, but it is exactly what my kids have always wanted. They are now 13 and 16, at an age when they could definitely decide for themselves and both my ex and I would support their decision but for them, what makes them happy is to be able to share the day with both their families and would be upset if they had to pick on over the other.

It is hard to know what is best when the kids are little especially as children will be manipulated, even when the parents convince themselves that they are not influencing their kids and that only the other parent is. I do believe though that if kids feel free to tell their parents what it is they really want, they will say so from the time they really understand the situation and that is what should be respected.