a little advice please(17 Posts)
Have been with my dh for 8 years dsd is 12, we've had various ups and downs with attitudes etc. Dsd told me she wanted to only see her dad.
We have 50/50 care so on the days/nights we have her I arrange other things so I am not around. Yesterday dh ex came round, it was ok a bit awkward as I rarely see her but they have a decent relationship.
Dsd came in shortly after and completely ignored me. We have her today and tonight and I am dreading it I hate feeling so unwelcome in my own home. Dh has spoken to her but nothing is ever resolved. How should I handle this? We also have her 23-26th I could cry I feel so pushed out. Thank you
Sorry but it's just not good enough. That's your home and your husband needs to pull her up. I wouldn't be giving her gifts etc if she treated me like that....
I know it's a mumsnet thing to say but it sounds like you have a husband problem. He shouldn't be allowing this. It sounds like its dragged on long enough.
You have to get your DH on board with changing this. The longer it is allowed to go on, the harder it is to change.
I can understand going out and getting out of the way for EOW contact but not 50/50. This is your home and you have the right to feel safe, happy and welcome, the same as your DSD is.
I have a similar problem with DSS. He refuses to talk to me and ignores me and my DC in the house. DH hates this behaviour and will frequently talk to him about his rudeness. For us it has resulted in DSS not coming out of his room and eating his meals there as he can not be civil to the others in the house. I am sure if we had stopped it when it started 5 years ago it would be easier. Though a lot of it has to do with his mother coming back on the scene after a few years away, her first priority was to make sure he turned against me. I had been his de facto mother figure for those few years.
I would suggest that your DH talks to her and plan some activity that you all do together. Make sure she still has 121 time with him but realises that you are part of their lives now.
This is your DH's problem and he should be sorting it out! No way should you feel you have to 'be out of the way' in your own home, this child is only 12...how long will you be expected to accept rudeness and hostility?
You really need to get your DH to see how badly this is affecting you, so that he will try damned harder to resolve the situation!
If she only wants to see her dad, fine, but you stepping out of your home? Each time she comes? Totally unacceptable. A line needs to be drawn. You can agree to have no get involved with her, not exchange conversation beyond polite words, but in no way should you be made to leave your house and she will have to accept your physical presence.
The issue really is why does she feel so strongly that she wants nothing to do with you after so many years?
Wow, not allowed to be there at all and you've been together 8 years? Your DP has set up an impossible situation for you.
The only thing that made any difference for me was to react immediately to any ignoring or rudeness from DSD in my home. She still kept doing it, but DP could no longer avoid seeing the impact on me, and I hated the confrontation but ultimately was finally pushing back from being elbowed out. Stand up for yourself.
Thank you for the replies, to fill in the gaps..dsd doesn't like me being around as I am quite strict apparently ie not letting her get away with rudeness, tidying her things etc. The discipline has always been left to dh who only in the last few years has become far less of a Disney dad and dsd has obviously noticed the change and blames me.
Dh hasn't pushed me out he's been supportive sort of but feels I can be quite harsh in my views. Dsd says it's different when I'm around and doesn't like it, I really don't enjoy the atmosphere when she's around its feels as though she does everything she can to push my buttons.
She said in an honest conversation she just wanted it to be her and dad when she's with us, dh says that was said in spur of the moment but she meant it. I am away often with work so perhaps because she's with her dad alone so often this is why.
Readin your post really hit home to me with how I used to feel with my ex. The only difference was we didn't live together but he wanted us to get a house together. I had the same feelings as you of not being welcome etc. I personally think that your DH needs to sit her down and explain that you are both important parts of his life and that it is yours and his home and she needs to learn to respect that. Of course if she wants to just spend time with her dad that's fine but she has to learn who are the adults in the house and that life is about give and take. The longer it goes on the harder it'll be to change. Be strong and remember it is your house aswell so don't feel pushed out. Just get on with things there like you normally would and show that your not going to let a 12year old dictate how you feel in your own home xx
I'm betting that your dh may be much more of a Disney dad when you are not around and only enforces lots of the rules when you are there. It would explain her attitude to you.
I'd say you expect a level of civility and communication from her but let dad do the parenting and discipline and she if she's agreeable, if not then you need to consider dad taking her out of the house sometimes so there's a bit more give and take.
She is pushing you out, I've had this, it'll work too if you don't stand your ground.
I get this too. Dsd blatantly ignores me, is rude and uncommunicative and I know it stems from her mum. She's said to dp that dsd is only here to see him, not me or my dc. Which considering she has a new partner she lives with is harsh, I'm not sure how she would feel if her dsd was being an utter cow to him.
I have no answers. The problem is that if it starts when they are young it's put down to that, poor child from a broken home, have one to one time, buy them stuff, decorate their room ....heard it all on here. Sometimes the child in question will be like this no matter what, because they have two parents who baby them and think that the child's behaviour is to be tolerated. Because they are upset because mum and dad split up.
My kids don't live with their dad either but they don't behave like this and I'd not tolerate such utter rude behaviour either.
I agree with coffee. I might be a bit cynical, but there's not much except stand your ground. No matter how nice you've tried to be, if someone doesn't want to accept you, they won't. And unless her mum helps her, and your DP insists, it won't change. My DSCs attitude changed a lot when their mum decided I was to be bitched about.
Can I suggest that you take this from a different angle, I am both a step parent and have seen my own girls on the receiving end of some questionable step patenting. In my experience in order to be able to discipline a child without a build up of resentment they must understand you have their interests at heart and not just a desire to have a clean house. We all know teens are tricky and messy and for some reason we can accept this more easily In our own children. But how about you try to spend some time with your step daughter alone. Find something she enjoys and make an effort to do this on a regular basis. Once she knows you are there for her and not just her dad you may make some progress. Good luck
If she doesn't want to be around you....she doesn't! But, you cannot be expected to 'ship out' every time she visits, so her DF will just have to take her out for at least 50% of her visits! When she is in the house with you, just be polite and get on with your own stuff, don't try to parent her at all...leave it to her DF. And if she's messy or doesn't pick up/tidy up after herself, simply tell your DH that, as you're not interfering in any way, it is his job to ensure the house is back in order when she leaves...and stick to it!
I had this with my ex and his horrible teenage daughter. She was a real bitch to me and he enabled it by not pulling her up on bad behaviour at the beginning. It got worse and worse, I felt more and more like an alien in my own house no matter how hard I tried to be positive and engage / positive and detatch. I couldn't win no matter what I did, I was told that 'I wasn't a parent and so I didn't understand'.
At the end of the day, he failed in parenting her properly and she said that she was pleased we broke up: but on reflection, I've got out of a really bad relationship with a man who doesn't take responsibility for parenting his child decently, and I don't have to see his horrible daughter any more!
If your DP can man up and listen to your concerns, and stop tolerating his daughter's bad behaviour, then your relationship may have a chance.
Just a quick update, over Christmas dsd and I had a lovely time all was good, I have decided that this year I will not be leaving when she's there because of her as I feel it's time she got used to me being in our home.
She does like to spend time with me and I find it exhausting there's never a moment to yourself part of the reason I was usually happy to disappear.
I'm away with work for weeks at a time and I know during that time dh slips into easy life mode, getting dsd breakfast tidying up after her not pulling her up on basic manners and this shows when I return. I have spoken to dh on many occasions saying that pampering her the way he does does not enable her to become an independent young woman just someone who expects everything to be done for them.
How will she ever know how capable she is (and she is) if he doesn't stop being at her beck and call? She's needy and that's not her fault, I have been taught by my parents to be independent and I'm grateful for that they gave me some great skills that have given me a good life.
I guess my issue is we don't share the same views, I need to learn we're all different and how she is now may not be paving a way for how she'll be in the future I guess. I just really want her to be a strong woman who believes she is capable of anything. So this year I'm sure will bring its challenges but I'm choosing to detach from my views and let dh be the parent he wants to be.
Ok so not a quick update
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