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Moving overseas with a father of 3

(2 Posts)
bythesea123 Wed 16-Dec-15 03:59:25

I've been seeing my dp for 1.5 years. He has 3 teenagers aged 16-19 and split with their mum 2.5 years ago after she had an affair. He is an adoring father with a strong bond with both girls and an up and down relationship with his son. I get on well with all 3 and whilst we are still getting to know each other, there have been no difficulties.

Dp works at sea - currently full time - and finds it very hard to have so little time with me and his kids. In the near future this will become 2 months on, 2 months off which will make life a lot easier.

I lived overseas for many years and met dp through work before I recently moved back to the UK and relocated near his family. Before I met him, I tried for 6 years to get residency in Canada, where my sister lives. It's a long story but she has been my rock throughout a very turbulent life. Our mum died when I was 10 and our father remarried and we were not made to feel welcome by him or his new wife. We had no sense of a family home and no other family and I was very depressed in 2012-13 when this all caught up with me in my mid thirties and Canada did not work out.

Now I have met this great guy and we are happy. Out of the blue this year, I received my Canadian residency after 8 years of trying! I am absolutely torn as I feel its an opportunity I cannot miss and it is the lifestyle I dream of. My oh is ok with this as long as we spend about 4 months a year back in the UK so he has quality time with his kids.

His eldest is off to work overseas anyway. The middle one is due to start university next year. But it is the youngest I worry about who has GCSE's next year. Their mum has met a new partner and is relocating 4 hours away. She will move half way through the youngest's A-Levels and plans on her staying with a family friend for the final year.

I am full of guilt at taking away their father and stability and family home. Is it fair to do this or should I give up on my dreams? I really want the best for them and I worry that my choices will cause them instability and resentment.

swingofthings Wed 16-Dec-15 18:07:31

There is no right and wrong. First question is whether you could delay the residency offer, as clearly, that would be the easiest option.

If not, then either you go, your OH stays until he feels his youngest would be ok with.

Or OH goes, but you have to take into account then that the guilt he might feel or him missing his youngest could impact on his ability to settle and indirectly your relationship.

Ideally, the best would be for him to talk to them, and somehow, them being fine with it so he could come without any guilt on his shoulder, and then ensure that he goes back/they come regularly.

How do you think they are likely to react at the idea? Are they emotionally dependent on their dad (regardless of their age)?

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