Please can I have some advice on this situation? It might be quite long but I'll try to be brief.
The background is that I've been with my DP for 18 months. He has one child aged 7 and I have three, a teenager and a 7 and 5 yo. When we met, I was living in my current home, a fairly small 3 bed. DP was living with his parents following his relationship breakdown with his DC's mum. DP and I clicked almost immediately and we each met each other's dc after around 5 months which in hindsight, I'm not sure we didn't rush things.
Initially the dc got on extremely well and so we began to spend all our time with the DCs all of us together. Eventually the novelty wore off and they began fighting a lot. My middle dc began having some emotional difficulties which got worse around this time and she was often violent towards DPs DC. This has improved for the last few months however.
Due to DPs living arrangements he started spending more and more time at my house to the point that he more or less lives with me. He offers to help with bills but I won't let him because I don't want to move into officially living together territory. He would like us to save a deposit to buy in the next couple of years a house that will accommodate all 6 of us and he would also like us to have a child in the next few years. However, I'm confused because at times I would also like this but at others I feel resentful about the situation. He usually brings his DC to my house when he has weekend contact which coincides with when I have my dc so we are all cramped into a house which isn't big enough. I think my DC in particular really struggle having to constantly share their space and stuff and also me I guess. It leads to a lot of arguing between the DC. He will also bring his DC on his ad hoc contact, ie. when I don't have my own DC so this eats into my child free time.
Added to this, mine and DP's parenting styles differ quite a lot. Generally he is much stricter than me and I am laid back for the most part but I would say he's quite slack in some areas, spoiling his DC with junk food, sweets and toys is the main one. The other area of contention for me is that DP is a bit of a show off generally (I prefer modesty quite honestly) but is a massive show off when it comes to his DC. You would think the child is a genius going by DPs account. Sometimes I feel he lives vicariously through his 7 yo, viewing his achievements as an extension of his own greatness as a person and a parent. In contrast, I'm very proud of my DC but I generally keep that pride to myself and do not like gushing about them to other people.
The other area where we differ is discipline. DP will happily tell my DC off if they're not behaving whereas I really struggle to discipline other people's DC (not just DSC but my friends' DC too) so if I am left with all the DC on my own, I find it incredibly stressful and feel torn between treating DSC as a guest and not wanting to treat my DC as if they are the problem all the time (and they're not - it's often 6 of one, half a dozen of the other but I will tell mine off because I feel uncomfortable disciplining someone else's DC, even a simple no).
The whole situation has led to me quietly detaching from his DC. Initially we got on very well but I just don't like how things are when he's here. He's a nice kid for sure, impeccably well behaved for DP but has obviously picked up on my reluctance to discipline and takes full advantage (not blaming him, kids do this and I know it's normal). DP is a little blinded to his DC's less than best behaviour, partly because he just doesn't see it.
One example of a frequent source of contention is the TV. DP has a gaming console at my house. His DC is computer mad and it's literally the only thing he ever wants to do at my house. My DC are used to being able to play with their toys and watch TV in the living room. More often than not, DP will put the computer on for his DC and mine will play with their toys. But the living room is tiny and my DC will get in the way of the TV. His DC will then constantly tell mine off in a very whiney voice and it gets on my nerves. Even when the computer isn't on, his DC brings his DM's iPad (which is a source of arguments for the DC as I don't have one) but still complains when my DC are in the way of the TV - he essentially wants to play on the iPad AND watch TV. DSC very frequently takes on the role of discipliner over my DC which they naturally don't like. This is only when DP isn't there. This is just one example but it's this kind of thing that makes me not want to spend time with or be alone with all the DC. I feel a bit awkward 'grassing' on DSC to DP so I rarely say anything to DP about this. On the rare occasions I've voiced my annoyance with this to DP, he has kind of sided with DSC saying, well they shouldn't be in front of the TV. As he was a step child himself (and he didn't get on with his step brother) I think he's more sympathetic to his DC's position. I've tried to explain that it's probably very difficult for my DC to have to share their space constantly and pointed out that his DC would probably similarly struggle if the situation was reversed. DP doesn't agree though because apparently he has friends over all the time and happily shares his stuff . I don't think that's comparable at all and as his DC is an only child, he gets more opportunities to enjoy his own space at his main home.
I know that if you just look at the bad stuff I've talked about, the obvious answer is to get out of this relationship but that doesn't account for the fact that DP and I are extremely well suited. Overall DP is an incredible partner and treats me very well (something I've never had before having only been in abusive relationships). I know he loves me totally. He's also pretty good with my DC aside from some niggles I have that relate to differences in approach to parenting.
So what, if anything can I do about this? Do I just need to give it more time for everyone to gel? Or is this unlikely to improve in others experience? I know one solution would be for us to get a bigger house so we all had more room and space to ourselves (the DC mainly) but this won't be possible for over a year and I'm worried that if I commit to a house purchase, I'll be stuck if things don't work out. I also know I need to be more honest with DP about how I feel re the DC but I just can't bring myself to do it, despite us having a very honest relationship overall. The other thing is how do I bond with DP's DC in the current situation? I'm withdrawing more and more and I'm starting to feel resentful every time DP starts gushing about his amazing DC! Sorry this was so long but I don't know which elements are the driving force behind my feelings so have included a lot of info. Any advice would be very welcome and most appreciated. TIA .
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Not cut out for step-parenting or have I not given it long enough?
64 replies
PaperDollChain · 15/12/2015 10:33
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