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To think that DP's and his EDP's Xmas plans are fucking stupid?

(67 Posts)
Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 08:24:50

DP's ex moved 75 miles away a couple of years ago. Since then they have been scrapping and fighting over who has DSD (5) for Xmas eve and Xmas morning.

We managed to get her for Xmas eve and morning last year and then DP made the 150 + miles trip to take her back and come home again.

The year before this, his ex had her for Xmas eve and Xmas morning and we had her during the afternoon/nighttime by which time she was beside herself, cried all afternoon and went to bed early.

They still haven't made a decision on what's happening this year, and it's probably going to be very last minute and 'couldn't organise a piss up on a brewery' esque as per.

It just all strikes me as very unfair on DSD. On a day when she should be chilling out, having a nice day opening her presents with family and tucking into Xmas dinner she's being passed from pillar to post, has to sit in a car for the best part of two hours (bad country roads from her DM's to ours) and having to rush everything to be ready for DP dropping her back or picking her up.

Inwardly, I think that at 5 years old it's a hell of a lot for her to contend with and that the suggestion of alternate Christmas' isn't too far fetched. I will also point out that it's not particularly fair on DP either who has to do all of the travelling as his ex refuses.

WWYD?

OutToGetYou Sat 12-Dec-15 09:35:48

I suggested when I was first with dp that we agree the ex would always 'have' Christmas day. I felt it was easier on dss not to have to wonder/worry each year whose 'turn' it was. He agreed then ex agreed.
So we just had him from BD and it's a lot more relaxed and less stressy on all of us. Plus no annual wrangling over The Big Day.

He doesn't like big dinners, so we had our Xmas day dinner having nice things he wouldn't eat, then on BD had a mini Christmas. Who doesn't want a second day of presents!? We also kept a few of ours so not just him opening on his own.
We have him this year for the first time, but he's 14 now so his choice really.

missmargot Sat 12-Dec-15 09:39:00

This is why we have never tried to enforce the court order for Christmas Day contact with DS, we felt it wasn't fair on him and would rather have a relaxed second Christmas a few days later and let him enjoy both days.

swingofthings Sat 12-Dec-15 11:06:34

Even since my kids were 5 and 2, Ex and I had the same arrangements and it has never been a problem, it's all about making plans that works for them. That means that they are normally picked up shortly after a light lunch so they have the chance to relax in the car journey. When they were little, they used to either go to sleep or I would put a gentle music dvd on and that would relax them.

We normally opened presents as soon as they got in and then did dinner early so that from 5pm, they could take it easy.

As for me, I would prepare everything in the morning and when I got with my OH, we would have his parents coming first thing to celebrate, open presents then, then I would clear up and go and get ready whilst OH would start preparing dinner and his parents went home and then come back from dinner. I actually find the drive a nice break from it all (I too did all the travelling).

Alternatively, maybe your OH could agree to picking her up on Boxing day morning instead and you could have your own celebration then. As they get older, it does get easier.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sat 12-Dec-15 11:06:54

It does seem unfair, but unless you can do alternate years with the whole Xmas day and Xmas eve with one parent, then maybe your DP should do an alternative Xmas, with some traditions of your own.

swingofthings Sat 12-Dec-15 11:07:24

Just to add, kids are now teenagers and still they want to spend Christmas day at both homes.

Ikeatears Sat 12-Dec-15 11:16:50

We were so lucky with dsd. We had her every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because we had her younger siblings and she was an only child at home so her mum knew she would rather be with the other children. Since ds1 was born 14 years ago, she has been every year. Last year she went home for Christmas Eve because she now lives with her partner and we really missed her in the morning. I have the upmost respect for her mum, not sure I could have been so selfless.

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 11:22:01

Thank you for your replies. If she seemed happy with this arrangement then I would leave well alone.

Her DM told us that last year she was unconsolable when we dropped her off and none of them had a 'particularly nice time of it.'
It was a similar scenario with us the year before.

Her DM always seems very unwilling to let us have her Xmas eve and Xmas morning (last year was the first time we got to have her over this period).
DP had to really put his foot down last year and tell her that he had never had DSD during Xmas eve and morning and that for the 4 Xmas' previous, he had always had to make do with the afternoons when she was tired and worn out.
Of course, this alone creates more animosity and I feel as though it would be so much easier if we just did alternate Xmas'.

That way, everyone knows where they stand, DSD doesn't feel as though she's having to endure a long car journey or as though he's being pulled away from either parent.

pictish Sat 12-Dec-15 11:25:10

Totally agree with you - they are being a pair of self serving fuds more concerned with getting the prize, than what is good for their little daughter. I'd have no patience with this carry on.

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 11:27:19

ikea it sounds as though you have an awesome relationship with her mum, that must be lovely for her!!

Similarly, she has a little half sister here (2) and I've just found out I'm expecting again next year whereas she is an only child at her DM.

I think that alternate Christmas' are the solution and which ever parent misses out on having her that year can have a seperate Xmas a couple of days later.

Obviously I am anticipating that as she gets older it will get easier and the half day thing may come into force with every body in agreement. It's more the fact that her DM is so unrelenting when it comes to even alternating who has her Xmas morning and who has her Xmas afternoon which is pretty rich considering she is completely unreasonable with regards to doing her fair share of travelling.

The point is, she is only little once, I don't want her to remember Xmas as long, boring journeys to either parent's home after being pulled away from my new toys, family in a rush I get back to the other parent.

pictish Sat 12-Dec-15 11:29:20

Again I agree, It's a shit arrangement for her and entirely designed to suit the adults.

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 11:31:46

pictish exactly my thoughts! But if I ever mention anything I am the big bad wicked step mother

pictish Sat 12-Dec-15 11:56:52

I don't know what to suggest. Alternative Christmases is the simple solution and they are both being stubborn and petty by refusing to facilitate it for her.

I'd not be able to hold my tongue. Tell your dp this is a shit fest for his daughter in no uncertain terms. They will both have to open their eyes as to how selfish and childish they are being.

pictish Sat 12-Dec-15 11:58:41

Alternate even - doh!

Leigh1980 Sat 12-Dec-15 11:59:10

Two Christmases one with you on Xmas day and then drive Boxing Day and she spends the day there. Then alternate the following year.

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 12:00:52

Ive said as much pic. They are pulling her in two by being so god damn selfish!!! It's one day a year!!

DSDs DM likes to go to the pub Xmas night and get arse holed which is perhaps part of the reason she doesn't want her Xmas afternoon. Don't want to accuse but I can't help but think this is partly the reason.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 12-Dec-15 12:05:21

What does the little girl want??

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 12:07:37

original he has told me that she just wants to stay in one place. Can hardly blame her

TheWitchwithNoName Sat 12-Dec-15 12:15:37

Can you pick her up at bedtime on Christmas day? DM can then still get arseholed, DSD can (hopefully) just sleep and wake up on Boxing Day to see all the presents Father Christmas left her?

FretYeNot Sat 12-Dec-15 12:26:09

I think The Witch has a good idea. I've always had mine on christmas day and then they go off to their dad's for boxing day. Although xh does drop in on christmas day anyway, and he's having them for the week of christmas, because I'll be working a lot of it.

My younger two are 14 and 12 now, I'm getting to the point where I think next year I will ask them what they want to do.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 12-Dec-15 12:27:08

Then that is what has to happen, one of you (your DP?) is going to have to be the bigger person and put your DSD wishes first.

So Christmas day is the 25th December, but many many families have to celebrate it earlier/later for several reasons. Illness, work, separated families.

So you leave her with her DM until Boxing day morning when you go and get her, you have "Christmas Day" on the day after boxing day. So she gets two christmas eve's and two Christmas days.

Saying that, i would be concerned about the DM getting "arseholed" on Christmas day - because if that is so important to her, then fine, she can get as arseholed as she likes but you get your DSD on Christmas eve and take her back on boxing day or the day after if the bloody woman is too hungover to give her DD a Christmas morning sad

Dungandbother Sat 12-Dec-15 13:43:17

I am a single mum of two little ones.

When their father had an affair and left I actually told him then and there he is never ever having them on Christmas. I told him he made his bed and had an affair after 18 years.
I told him I refuse to ever spend Christmas without my children.

I appreciate that may sound incredibly selfish. But the children are quite happy. Very happy actually.

Is there an inkling of this in your situation? Did you and DP have an affair leaving mum bereft? It could explain her side of the wrangling.

Apologies if not at all relevant.

Dungandbother Sat 12-Dec-15 13:46:48

And may I add, is your DP actually moaning about the travelling?

You don't mention it. I'm sure he willingly sucks it up so he can spend time with his DD.

Liquidlucnhlover Sat 12-Dec-15 14:07:59

dung no, not relevant in this situation, in fact she was the one who left him.

He does suck the travelling up to an extent with the occasional whinge about fuel and time etc which is understandable IMO.

I've just had a word with him regarding DSD and Christmas and he has agreed that it would be in her best interests to stay with her DM this year and then he pick her up the next day or (liking witch's suggestion) Xmas night. Obviously alternately next year. Sounds as though the penny is dropping!

Dungandbother Sat 12-Dec-15 14:15:28

Good luck sorting it going forward
I sincerely hope you all enjoy Christmas. It won't be long till DSD doesn't want to be with either parent, well not until past Santa o clock, just for a bed for the night. smile

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